THE SHIT LIST

Ghost shit: The kind where you feel shit come out but there is no shit in the toilet.

Clean shit: The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet shit: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't stain your pants.

Second wave shit: It happens when you're done shiting and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to shit some more.

Pop-a-vein-in-your-forehead shit: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Richard Simmons shit: You shit so much you lose 30 pounds.

Lincoln log shit: The kind of shit that is so huge you're afraid to flush it without breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Gassy shit: It's noisy, and everyone within earshot is giggling.

Drinker shit: The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Corn shit: Self explanatory.

Gee-I-wish-I-could shit: The kind where you want to shit, but all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped, and fart a few times.

Spinal tap shit: The kind that hurts so bad coming out you'd swear it was leaving you f**king sideways.

Wet cheeks shit (the Power dump): The kind that comes out so fast your butt gets splashed with water.

Liquid shit: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican food shit: It smells so bad the room must be condemned.

Upperclass shit: The kind done by people who think their shit doesn't smell.

Fisherman's bobber shit: The kind where you are in a public restroom, there are two people waiting for your stall, you shit and flush two times, but several golfball-sized pieces are still floating in the water.

Ambush shit: The kind that never happens at home, but usually while shopping or at a party. It is the result of trying to fart just a little, but you end up with trouser chili and you walk bow-legged the rest of the day.

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