This is a great prank to play on someone who is computer-phobic. Print it out and give it to them. Be warned, though, that after reading this, they probably never will use a computer.
This is a step-by -step guide to using your compter and felling comfortable. Now sit in front of it. Don't touch that "on" switch! Just look at it for a while. Pick your head up from this paper and look at it! Good. Did you notice how it looked all blocky and ugly? They do that on purpose, you know. Sit in front of it for a while. Do you realise that it can't do anything harmful while it's turned off? If you want to stop right here, it's ok. We won't hold it against you. You can use it as an interesting paper weight. But we assume that if you paid thousands of dollars for something, you might want to use it for a purpose other than a paper weight. (unless, of course, you are thilthy rich and can afford thousands of dollars worth of paper weights. If this is the case, the editors remind you that we do accept donations...) If you would like to use your computer for non-paper weight purposes, however, first you should get aquainted with it. Put your hand on the mouse. Do you feel its contoured sides fit right into your hand? We don't. But if you do, please let us know. Move the mouse around. Notice how again nothing happens. Do you want to go further? OK. This is the moment of truth. Push the "on" button. Not the monitor yet, just the computer. Is it beeping and lighting up? It's supposed to do that. Now, the moment we've all been waiting for. Turn on your moniter. We mean it. The screen should light up. It should be really bright.... like it's alive.... or possesed... geeze, this is creepy. Um, ok, stay calm. It's just a computer. It can't..... do anything? Oh no....
AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
HOW TO GET PAID WITHOUT EVER REALLY TRYING
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
Morgan
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.