Just Friends, Right?
By: Lori (SixteenOzs)
DISCLAIMER: "ER," the characters, and situations depicted within are the property of Warner Brothers Television, Amblin Entertainment, Constant c Productions, NBC, etc. They are borrowed without permission, but without the intent of infringement. The story presented here is written solely for entertainment purposes and the author is not making a profit.
Please do not post or redistribute without the disclaimer above, or without the consent of the author.
Feedback is always welcome. I'd really like to know what you think. Please send questions, comments, or criticisms to SixteenOzs02@yahoo.com
SUMMARY: In need of a friend, Susan calls Mark after Chloe leaves for Phoenix with Susie.
BACKGROUND: This story begins immediately after the second season episode, "Fevers of Unknown Origin." It's the night after Chloe left for Phoenix with Susie. Mark and Jennifer met at Doc Magoo's to finalize the custody agreement, and ended up going back to Mark's apartment.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story does NOT follow my other story "Long Way Back." This is more of a gap-filler or continuation of "Fevers of Unknown Origin." Even from the Pilot, it was clear that Mark and Susan had a very special friendship. During the later half of the second season, there were hints of something more developing between them. Here's an idea of one event that may have led to what we eventually saw in the third season. Hope you enjoy!
Mark heard the door latch as Jennifer closed it behind her. He continued to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. "A mistake," he kept repeating to himself. "It was a mistake. A HUGE mistake."
What other explanation could there be? They were finalizing their divorce, but somehow managed to end up in bed together. It just didn't make sense. Maybe Jenn was right. Maybe he was out for revenge. Or maybe it was just a parting shot. He wasn't sure.
He tried to stop his thoughts from racing, so he could get some sleep, but it wasn't working. Finally abandoning the idea of sleep altogether, he got up and headed into the bathroom for a shower. Hopefully, it would help him relax.
Susan stood at the window, staring at the street below. She could still feel Susie in her arms, she could still hear her cries, still smell the baby power after her baths. She looked around the apartment. It hadn't been this neat in months. Usually there were baby item and medical journals covering every available surface.
Last night, after Joe and Chloe took Susie away, she decided sleep was useless and spent the night cleaning the apartment. The few baby items Joe and Chloe didn't take with them were packed in a box in the corner, waiting to be taken down to the storage room. The medical journals were neatly filed in the bookcase. As she surveyed the room, it felt lonely. Maybe that was it. Maybe now she was forced to realize that she was all alone in the world. Again.
She picked up the cordless phone and turned it over in her hands for fifteen minutes before she finally committed herself to dialing the number.
Coming out of the bathroom, he noticed that the light on his answering machine was flashing. Glancing at the clock, he saw that it was almost ten-thirty. He wasn't sure who it was, but he hoped it wasn't the hospital. Pressing play, a familiar voice filled the room.
"Hi, Mark. Uh, it's me. Susan. I'm not really sure why I'm calling. I know it's late and you said you had plans. I guess I just wanted to talk to someone. The apartment feels so empty without Susie. Oh, well. I guess you're not home. If you feel like it, give me a call when you get in. I'll be up. Bye."
He sat on the corner of the bed and sighed. He could almost hear the tears in her voice. She'd put up a good front at work today, but he could still tell that losing custody of her niece was taking its toll. He picked up the phone and started dialing her number, but stopped before the call went through. He had a better idea. He dialed the number of a pizza place halfway between their apartments instead. Throwing on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, he grabbed his jacket and keys before he locked the door and headed for his car.
Twenty minutes later, he was knocking on her door. "Susan?" he said quietly, just in case she was asleep. "It's me, Mark."
A few moments later, he heard her unlocking the door. "Hi," she said, more than a little surprised to see him. She'd just called him because she wanted to hear a friendly voice. She had no idea that he'd come over. "You didn't have to come over."
"I know I didn't," he said with a smile, "I wanted to. Have you had dinner yet?"
Actually, she hadn't even thought about food. She thought she had a bagel for breakfast, but she wasn't even certain about that. "No," she said, shaking her head.
"Then you're in luck. I came prepared," he said nodding towards the pizza box he was carrying.
"What kind?" she asked suspiciously.
"Meat, or more specifically, pepperoni," he replied confidently.
"My favorite," she commented. "Okay, you can come in."
"Thanks," he laughed as he entered the apartment. He watched her as she went into the kitchen for plates and napkins. She'd changed into her favorite Chicago Bear's jersey and a pair of black leggings. She looked exhausted. She also looked defeated, almost frail. This worried him. She was one of the strongest women he knew. She was a great doctor, and an even better friend. He respected her for how she handled herself when Chloe left last year. Most women wouldn't have been willing to turn their lives and careers upside down to care for someone else's child. But Susan wasn't most women. As he watched her now, he could tell things weren't the same, something was missing.
"Want a beer?" she called from the kitchen, breaking his train of thought.
"Uh, sure" he called back. "Need any help?"
"Yeah, if you could just grab those plates."
"Got it," he said as they headed into the living room and spread everything out on the coffee table.
"So, did you have a hot date tonight?" she teased while opening the pizza box. Actually, she really wanted to shift the conversation away from herself.
He felt his face flush, but hoped she didn't notice. "Jenn and I met at Doc's to work out the custody agreement and finalize the divorce."
"How'd it go?" she asked with a sympathetic smile, as she pulled a piece of pepperoni off her pizza and ate it.
"Not too bad. Rachel gets to stay with me every other weekend, and we're alternating vacations and holidays. We both agreed to stay in the Chicago-Milwaukee area until Rachel graduates from high school," he said between bites.
"That's good," Susan commented as she studied the label on her beer bottle.
"Do you wish Chloe was staying in Chicago?" he asked cautiously.
"I don't know. In a way, I think I'd feel better because I'd be able to keep an eye on her and make sure she kept it together. But on the other hand, I think it would be too hard to see them together," she said with a sigh.
"Joe seemed pretty nice. Maybe he can keep her grounded," Mark offered. He met Joe the week before when he stopped by the hospital with Chloe.
"I hope so," Susan said with a hint of bitterness. "I guess my biggest problem is that I don't think she deserves someone as precious and perfect as Susie."
"What do you mean?" he asked, encouraging her to keep talking.
She took a deep breath, stood up, and walked over to the window. "Life's not fair. I know that, but something about this just seems wrong." She turned back to him and said, "She walked out on her three month old daughter, Mark. I got a Christmas card filled with cash, but other than that I didn't hear from her at all for over eight months. I didn't know where she was, who she was with, what she was doing. For all I knew, she could have been in a ditch somewhere coked out of her mind," she practically spat the words out.
"Maybe she's changed. Maybe it'll last this time," he suggested.
"I've lost count of the number of second chances I've given her. I'd trust her, I'd help clean her up, I'd try to straighten her out, but she burned me each time. The difference is I was an adult. Even if I didn't understand why she did the things she did, I knew I couldn't make her change unless she wanted it. I knew she wasn't acting that way because of anything I'd done. If she starts this same routine again, what's it going to do to Susie? She's just a baby. What's to stop her from believing Mommy's drunk or high because of something she did wrong?" as she spoke, her anger and frustration continued to build. She started pacing around the room.
"I don't know," was the only response Mark could offer. Kids were hard to understand. He was still trying to reassure Rachel that the divorce wasn't her fault.
"I hate the fact that she missed most of the first year of her daughter's life, but wants to waltz back in and start playing Mommy again. Yeah, Chloe gave birth to Susie, but she hasn't EARNED that title. She wasn't here for the 2 A.M. feedings and diaper changes. She never stayed up all night quieting her cries and making sure her fever didn't spike. She never stood by her crib just before dawn in complete and total awe of this tiny, perfect being." She turned back to the window as she felt the tears start to form. She'd promised herself that she wouldn't let this happen. She wasn't going to break down.
He stood up and walked over to stand beside her. He could tell that there was a lot more she needed to get out, so he just waited until she was ready to continue.
"I keep thinking about the what ifs," she said glancing at him. "What if Chloe hadn't come back when she first left in May? What if she'd left a few weeks earlier? What if she'd waited a few more weeks to come back?" she asked as her stare returned to the window. "They approved the adoption, Mark. A few more weeks and she would have been mine. I would have had a legal claim to her."
"You can't do this, Susan," he said softly. "You can't beat yourself up like this. Things happened and you can't change that now."
"I know," she nodded. "I just miss her so much. It's like I can still feel her in my arms. I can still see her smile. I finally fell asleep around three this morning, and I woke up twice because I thought I heard her crying. I was getting ready for work today, and I was talking to her like I always do. It took a while before I remembered she wasn't here. I couldn't even go in the lounge at work today when Conni was there with her baby." She stopped and bit her lip to keep from crying.
"I feel like I'm losing my mind," she said after a few minutes, as the tears started to fall down her face.
"I know," he whispered as he wrapped his arms around her. It was a little awkward at first. Theirs had always been a strictly platonic relationship. It felt different, but at the same time it just seemed right.
She rested her head on his shoulder and gave into the tears she'd been holding back. They flowed freely, with a sob escaping her throat every once in a while. She knew she should probably feel embarrassed, but she was too tired to focus on anything except the grief she felt inside. Strangely, she felt safe in Mark's arms. She knew he couldn't change things, he couldn't make this pain go away, but somehow he helped her believe that life would go on.
As he held her, he felt a few tears fall down his own face. Silently, he wished that there was something, anything, he could do to make this easier for her. But he knew there wasn't. He could only hold her and make sure she knew he would always be there.
When the tears stopped, she just stayed in his arms for a few minutes trying to regain her composure. With her cheek resting on his shoulder, her face away from him, she said, "I'm sorry about that."
"What?" he asked, pulling back slightly so he could look her in the face.
"I'm sorry about losing it like that," she repeated, not completely able to look him in the eye.
"Susan, you don't need to apologize for that. You've been holding so much in, it was only a matter of time before it all came out. I'm just glad I was here," he said softly.
"I'm glad you were here, too," she said, managing a weak smile.
They stood there like that for a few moments, neither knowing what to do next. Almost reflexively, they began to move closer. Their lips where almost touching, when Mark pulled back. Looking somewhat guilty, he said, "This probably isn't a good idea, huh?"
"Probably not," she agreed, with a nervous smile.
He relaxed his embrace and she stepped back, almost reluctantly. "Are you working tomorrow?" he asked.
"Yeah," she nodded, "six to six. How about you?"
"No, I'm off." He thought for a moment before he said, "Would you want to swap shifts? I'd like to go up to Milwaukee this Saturday, but I'm working from eight to eight."
The truth was that Rachel had a Brownie trip scheduled for this weekend and he was going to stay in Chicago. He could tell Susan could use a day off, and he figured she'd be more likely to agree to it if she thought she was doing him a favor.
She studied him for a moment as she considered his offer, "I'm okay with it, but I'm only third-year. I can't cover the ER."
"Actually, Kerry's working so she can take care of it."
"Then that sounds fine to me. You can work my shift tomorrow, and I'll work for you on Saturday."
"Great," he smiled. He glanced at his watch and saw that it was after Midnight, and now he had to be at work in less than six hours. "I should probably get going. Are you going to be okay?" he asked, his brown eyes filled with concern.
"I think so," she nodded as they started walking to the door.
Mark put on his jacket and opened the door. Before he left, he turned back to her and suggested, "Why don't you go take a nice warm bath, sleep until Noon, and I'll call you tomorrow to see how you're doing?"
She had to laugh. "Whatever happened to 'Take two aspirin and call me in the morning?'"
He shrugged, "I don't know, but I like this prescription better."
With what was probably the first genuine smile he'd seen from her all night, she laughed, shook her head, and said, "Go home, Mark."
He was halfway down the hall before she called out, "Mark?"
"Yeah?"
She was leaning against the door frame, a slight smile still on her face, "Thanks for tonight."
"You're welcome," he smiled.
After closing the door, she leaned against it and thought about what he'd said. To no one in particular, she said, "I like your 'prescription' better, too."
Locking the door and turning out the lights in the living room, she went back into the apartment to draw the water for a bath.
He glanced at the clock for what seemed to be the hundredth time in the last five minutes. It was one-thirty, the alarm was set to go off in three and a half hours, but he could not get to sleep. He kept replaying their "near-kiss" in his mind. He'd never felt anything like he did when he held her. There were no words to describe that feeling. It just felt right. But Susan was his best friend. Their relationship had always been platonic. Sure, there'd been the fleeting thoughts of a more intimate relationship, but he was usually able to push them out of his mind.
His attempts to do that this time weren't working. He knew it was a bad idea. She was his best friend, he didn't want to lose that. IF he started a relationship with her, he wanted it to last. And neither of them was in a position to start anything long-term right now. The ink wasn't even dry on his divorce papers, and she'd just lost someone very close to her. It was a bad idea. It was that simple.
He tried to rationalize it in his mind. "She just lost Susie, she was lonely, and you were there. It's that simple. Nothing's changed. You're still best friends. Nothing more, nothing less."
Turning over to lay on his stomach, he put the pillow over his head and tried to salvage at least a few hours of sleep.
She rested her head on the back of the tub and sank into the warm, bubbly water. Closing her eyes, she tried to make sense of what had happened earlier. "What was I thinking? Why did I try to kiss him?" she asked herself.
Sinking deeper into the water, she let out a sigh. Of course he'd probably take this the wrong way. Especially after that "torrid affair" comment she'd made a few months ago. He'd think she was interested in him. And she wasn't. Was she?
Something just clicked when they met, and they quickly became friends. He was married, so she never considered anything more. But things had changed.
The more she thought about it, the more it made her head hurt. They were friends. Always had been, always would be. That's it, right?
So why did she feel so comfortable in his arms tonight?
"I was just trying to deal with losing Susie. He was here. So maybe I used him a little. That's what friends do, right? You lean on each other when things get rough," she tried to reassure herself. "By tomorrow, you'll both have forgotten all about it."
Getting out of the tub, she toweled off and changed into her favorite nightshirt. Climbing into bed, she glanced at the clock and decided not to set the alarm. "Maybe I'll just sleep until Noon," she thought with a smile.
Closing her eyes, she tried not to think about Susie. She didn't want to think about all of the time they'd spent together. She didn't want to wonder where she was now, or if she was okay. It wasn't as if she was trying to forget her, she was just trying to move on.
Trying to find more pleasant thoughts, she started to think about the time she and Mark put Carter's leg in a cast while he was asleep at the hospital. As sleep finally started to take over, she was remembering the time she'd convinced Mark to go out with her on Valentine's Day, so she could avoid a date with Dr. Kayson.
Mark looked at his watch as he went into the lounge for another cup of coffee. Two o'clock. "I'm getting old," he muttered to himself. During his residency, he considered three hours of sleep generous. Now, he was just hoping to make it through the last four hours of his shift.
With his cup of coffee, he sat down at the desk and stared at the phone for a minute. Finally, he picked up the receiver and dialed the number.
"Hello?" Susan answered.
"Hi, Susan. It's Mark."
"Hi. How's work?" she asked.
"It probably wouldn't be too bad if I could stay awake. There was an accident on the Kennedy this morning, so we were busy with that for a while, but things have slowed down now. How are you doing?"
She laughed. "I've been better, but I'm hanging in there."
"That's good," he said, as he waved to Doug Ross who'd just come into the lounge.
The line was quite for a moment, before she asked, "Do you have any plans for tonight?"
Sleep was pretty high on his agenda, but he just said, "No, not really. Why?"
"Well, when I get stressed, I have a tendency to cook," she started to explain.
"You cook?" he teased, interrupting her.
"Yes," she replied sarcastically. "Anyway, I was just wondering if you'd like to come over for dinner tonight?" She hesitated a second before adding, "I wanted to thank you for being there last night."
"You don't have to do that," he said with a smile.
"I know don't. I want to," she replied, repeating his words from the previous night.
"Fair enough," he laughed. "Sure, I can make it for dinner. What time?"
"I'm pretty flexible. You get off at six, right? How does seven sound for dinner?"
"Sounds great," he said. "Anything I can bring?"
She thought for a moment, before suggesting, "Maybe a bottle of wine?"
"Consider it done. I'll see you at seven."
"Great. Bye, Mark."
"Bye."
Doug was intrigued, only hearing Mark's side of the conversation. After Mark hung up the phone, Doug asked, "Hot date tonight?"
Mark laughed at the thought, "Not hardly."
"So, who was that?"
Instead of answering the question, Mark got up to freshen his coffee, thus raising Doug's curiosity. "Kathy Snyder?" Doug suggested, referring to the hospital's attorney.
"No."
"That infomercial woman?"
"Nope."
"Jennifer?"
Mark turned to glare at Doug before shaking his head and saying, "No."
From Mark's end of the conversation, Doug was pretty sure he'd been talking to a woman, but now he was stumped. He'd suggested the ex-wife and the women he knew Mark had dates with recently. Who else was there? Maybe a friend?
"Of course! Why didn't I think of her sooner?" Doug thought to himself. Grinning, he asked Mark, "Susan?"
Mark just gave him a curious glance but didn't say anything.
Certain that he was right, Doug asked, "So, buddy, is there something you want to tell me?"
"No, Doug, there is nothing I want to tell you," Mark said as became increasingly interested in stirring his coffee.
"Hey, I've always thought you two would make a great couple. I'm happy for you, but I understand if you want to keep it quiet since you work together."
Realizing how ridiculous this was getting, Mark turned to Doug, "Doug, honestly, there's nothing going on between me and Susan. Losing Susie has been really hard on her. She was upset and called me last night, so I went over to her place for a while. She wanted to thank me, so she invited me to dinner tonight. That's it."
Seeing that Mark was serious, Doug said, "Sorry."
"Don't mention it."
"Think she's gonna be okay?" he asked somewhat cautiously.
Mark sighed and shook his head, "I don't know. She's changed, something's missing." He paused before adding, "I'm worried about her. I just wish there was something I could do to make this easier."
"You're being a friend. Maybe that's enough," Doug offered.
"Maybe," he echoed.
The End
That's it, I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you think: SixteenOzs02@yahoo.com LLP
July 19, 1999