"The Longer You Stay" Gap-Filler
By: Lori (SixteenOzs)

DISCLAIMER: "ER," the characters and situations depicted within are the property of Warner Brothers Television, Amblin Entertainment, Constant c Productions, NBC, etc. They are borrowed without permission, but without the intent of infringement. The story presented here is written solely for entertainment purposes, and the author is not making a profit.

SUMMARY: This scene begins when Mark finds Elizabeth outside on the deck after "The Longer You Stay."

Feedback is welcome. Please send all questions, comments or criticisms to SixteenOzs02@yahoo.com

RATING: PG

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: I would like to thank Ros, Cari, Megan and EpneBelle for all of their help in looking over the drafts of this story and giving me such great feedback. Thank you all so much!

"I hope you're not thinking about jumping," Mark commented as he looked across the deck, and found Elizabeth leaning against the railing, staring at their back yard.

Elizabeth turned and glanced briefly in his direction before returning her gaze to some indeterminate spot on the grass below.

Moving so that he was standing next to her, he quietly said, "I'm sorry."

Several moments past before she whispered, "I'm sorry, too."

"I don't know what happened," he admitted. "I never even heard her."

She managed a feeble smile. "You were exhausted, Mark. We both are. It finally caught up with you."

"She's had a bath and is back to sleep. I threw the blanket in the washer. Maybe we should take this opportunity to get a little more sleep ourselves," he suggested.

Elizabeth didn't reply.

Mark watched her curiously as she remained silent for the next several minutes. Finally, he softly called, "Elizabeth?"

"It's hard, Mark," she finally said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I knew it wouldn't be easy, but-but... I never thought it would be this hard."

"I know," he assured her softly while gently rubbing her back with his open palm. "And I know it's hard to believe right now, but it will get better."

She looked at him and gave a rueful laugh. "When?"

"She should be sleeping through the night in a couple weeks, then you'll stop breast-feeding in a few more months."

A heavy sigh passed through her lips. "But doesn't something about that just seem wrong? She'll only be a baby once. Everyone always say they grow up too quickly, and here we are wishing this time away."

"You know why people can say that?"

She gave him a questioning look. "Why?"

"Because they're so far removed from caring for an infant that they don't remember the bad stuff. They've forgotten the sleepless nights, the leaky diapers, the total exhaustion," he explained with a grin.

Her lips into curled into a slight smile, which quickly faded a moment later.

"What is it?" he prompted.

She didn't answer. It was something she didn't even want to admit to herself, much less to him.

"Elizabeth?" he said, worry finding its way into his voice.

Several long minutes passed before she finally confessed, "I'm scared, Mark."

"Scared of what?" he questioned with a confused expression.

She hesitated, but finally whispered, "Everything."

Gently taking her hands in his, he led her to one of the nearby deck chairs. Pulling a second chair closer, he sat down across from her. "What do you mean?"

"It's everything," she repeated, shaking her head slightly. All that had been building over the past few weeks began to spill out. "I'm so afraid I'm going to make a mistake. For years, I've blamed my mother for all of the things I thought she did wrong. In some way, I suppose I still do. But this is so overwhelming. There's so much to do, so many decisions to make, and Ella can't tell me if I'm doing it right or not. Earlier today, I spent twenty-five minutes trying to decide whether or not to put her sweater on before we left for the hospital. It took me that long to realize that if it got too hot, we could just take the sweater off. I swear, I'm losing my mind."

"Elizabeth, you're not losing your mind," he assured her while lightly caressing her cheek. "There's probably nothing that will ever change your life as much as this, because from now on, everything we do will have to take her into consideration. Not to mention how she completely depends on us. I won't lie to you and tell you that it's going to be easy or that we're going to get through it without any problems. But what I can promise you is that we will get through it, because we'll do it together."

Her jaw trembled as she drew in a shaky breath. "I want to believe that, Mark. I do. It's-it's just..."

"I know. It's overwhelming. I was a third-year med. student when Rachel was born. It was hard enough trying to figure out what was wrong with patients, and they could talk to you. I still remember the first time I was alone with her. She was about two weeks old. Jenn just needed to get out of the house, so I told her to go and I'd stay with Rachel. Rachel was asleep when Jenn left, and everything was going along fine. I had the whole 'Dad Thing' down. I knew just what I was doing," he said, laughing as he recalled the memory.

"Then she woke up?" Elizabeth supplied with a small smile.

"Then she woke up," he confirmed. "And she cried, and she cried, and she cried. I tried everything I could think of. I tried to feed her, I changed her diaper, I read to her, I talked to her, I sang to her, I carried her around the house, I tried putting her carrier on the dryer, everything. I even changed the sleeper she was wearing, thinking she just wasn't comfortable."

"What finally stopped her crying?" Elizabeth asked curiously.

With a shrug, he admitted, "I don't know. Maybe she just got tired of it. I finally ran out of ideas, so I collapsed on the sofa. I was still holding her against my chest, and a few minutes later, I noticed she'd gotten quiet."

A confused expression crossed her face. "So why are you telling me this?"

"Because I learned a few very important things that day," he explained. "For one, they're in control, we're just along for the ride. We can't reason with her, and she can't tell us what she wants. So, for now, the only thing we can really do is go along with her."

"Meaning, when she wants to sleep, we let her sleep. When she wants to eat, we feed her. When she just wants to cry..." she concluded.

"Basically," he agreed with a smile.

Warily, Elizabeth wondered, "She will grow out of this, won't she?"

"Eventually."

"So, what else did you learn?"

"If you're scared or tense, you can't let her know it. It's amazing what they can pick up from you, just while you're holding them," Mark commented. "When I was trying to quiet Rachel that day, I was getting frustrated and she could tell. It wasn't until I sat down on the sofa, and started to relax, that she calmed down."

A guilty smile slowly made its way across her face. "Is this your way of telling me that ranting and raving in a trauma room while holding Ella probably isn't a good idea?"

"Something like that," he laughed softly.

Smiling warily, she inquired, "Any other words of wisdom?"

"Actually, yes," he retorted with a grin. Then turning serious, he said, "If we're going to make mistakes, this is the time to do it. Ella will never remember what's going on now. It's sort of a learning curve. We have this time to figure out what we're doing, then by the time she is able to remember, she'll just think of us as the two most wonderful parents in the world."

She regarded him skeptically. "I hope you're right."

"You'll see," he replied confidently.

She turned and stared out across the yard while drawing in a deep breath, then exhaling slowly. Several moments passed before she softy said, "Just tell me this will get better."

"It will," he promised. "Not tomorrow, and probably not next week; but next month, or next year, yeah. It'll be better."

"Think we'll survive that long?"

"I think so," he grinned. After a moment, he added, "I know this is probably restating the obvious, but you look tired."

She chuckled softly, then confirmed, "That is restating the obvious."

Standing up, he reached for her hand and pulled her up next to him. "How about this? We go upstairs, you crawl into bed, I'll get ready for my shift, then I'll feed Ella and get her back to sleep before I leave."

"You're not going back to sleep?"

He shook his head as he slipped his arm around her back and they started down the stairs. "My shift starts in less than two hours. It's not worth it."

She hesitated a moment, then wondered, "Will you lay down with me until I fall asleep?"

"Of course," he whispered before kissing her tenderly.

Mark pulled his van to a stop in the hospital's parking garage, then got out and opened the back door. As he released his daughter's car seat from its base, he softly said, "Come on, Sweetheart. It's time for Daddy to go to work."

After gathering all of his things and Ella's, Mark closed the van door and started towards the elevator. Five minutes later he approached the ER Admit desk. "Randi, I need to bribe someone into babysitting for me. Whose shift is ending?"

Randi glanced at the schedule in front of her, then reported, "Looks like Chen, Malucci, Yosh, Haleh and Lily are off. I think most of them are in the lounge. Carter's here, but sleeping until his shift starts at Noon."

"Thanks," Mark replied before moving towards the lounge with Ella. Upon opening the door and finding several of his colleagues, he announced, "I have a favor to ask."

"Whatever it is, I'm not buying," Malik replied immediately.

"Me, either," Lily added. "I'm going home to sleep."

"You don't even know what I want yet," Mark protested.

"Well, since you have Ella with you, I think we've all got a pretty good idea," Haleh pointed out.

"Elizabeth desperately needs to get some sleep, so I just need someone to watch Ella for a few hours, until Elizabeth can get here and pick her up. I'm willing to pay twenty dollars an hour."

"I'll do it," Jing-Mei volunteered quietly from where she stood next to her locker.

Noticing that the younger doctored appeared quite drained, Mark questioned, "Are you sure?"

Drawing in a deep breath, Jing-Mei nodded resolutely. "I don't really feel like going home. I probably couldn't sleep anyway."

Concern found its way into Mark's voice as he asked, "Is everything okay?"

"Fine," she replied, a bit too quickly, not wanting to rehash the night's events yet again. "I can watch her for you. It's not a problem."

"I really appreciate it," Mark said sincerely. "I was thinking you could set up in an exam room, if there was one free. Otherwise, in here could work."

"Sure," Jing-Mei nodded. "Last time I checked, Exam Five was open."

"Thanks."

Two and a half hours later, Mark carefully eased open the door to Exam Five. "Hey," he said quietly. "I told Randi I was taking a break, so I thought I'd see how things were going in here."

"We're doing great," Jing-Mei smiled. "She was fussy about an hour ago, but I changed her diaper and she soon settled down."

Noticing that his daughter was awake, Mark sat down on the gurney where her carrier rested. As he gently picked her up, he wondered, "Are you being a good girl for Jing-Mei?"

"I told her she could call me Deb," Jing-Mei explained with a soft laugh.

With a smile, Mark commented, "I thought you only let Carter get away with that."

"Usually," she grinned.

"I really appreciate you staying and doing this for me."

"I don't mind," Jing-Mei replied honestly. "I wasn't really looking forward to going home today anyway."

Mark hesitated, but then said, "I heard about your Marfan's case. Do you want to talk about it?"

She remained quiet for several moments, before she shrugged and ruefully said, "What's there to talk about? I didn't look at the X-ray. I didn't rule out an aortic dissection before signing the order for thrombolytics."

Smiling sympathetically, Mark offered, "Chief Resident isn't all it's cracked up to be, huh?"

Jing-Mei managed a weak smile. "Not quite."

"It's hard," he admitted. "We basically throw you in and hope that we've taught you how to swim. It's not always easy to find the balance between taking on the responsibility of handling cases yourself and knowing when to call in backup. Usually, you just have a little more time to figure that part out."

When Jing-Mei didn't reply, Mark carefully prompted, "Where was Weaver during all of this?"

"Doc Magoo's," she answered quietly as she stared at a spot on the floor. "We paged her three times, she never came. Carter finally knew where she was, so he went to get her."

Mark couldn't help but think that was odd. It was highly unusual for Kerry Weaver to ignore a page. After a moment, he wondered, "It was Malucci's case, wasn't it?"

"Yeah."

"That must have been hard," he commented as he absently used his thumb to caress the back of his daughter's hand.

Looking up quickly, she defensively inquired, "What do you mean?"

"Guys like Carter and Malucci can be pretty strong-willed when they're determined they're right. You've worked along side them for the past few years, but until now, it was never your job to rein them in. There are times when that can be a challenge, even for me," he admitted.

Her voice was barely above a whisper as she said, "I should have checked the X-ray myself. I didn't even think twice when he said it was clear."

Mark drew in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "I know this probably won't make you feel any better at the moment, but the only thing you can do now is learn from this and move on. We're human. We make mistakes. The only thing we can do is try not to make the same ones twice."

"You're right. That isn't much of a consolation," she remarked glumly.

A silence feel over the room, and Mark knew that there was nothing he could say to make the younger doctor feel better. He'd been where she was before, and he still remembered how it felt. The guilt, the second-guessing, the fear over how he'd ever be able to go back and do the job again.

After a few minutes, Mark noticed Jing-Mei was intently watching Ella as she reached out for the stethoscope hanging around his neck. He thought for a moment, then carefully wondered, "Are you thinking about your son?"

It was a question he normally never would have asked her. Their relationship had always been limited to the hospital, and to be honest, he had to admit that he knew very little about her. But something, the look in her eyes or the expression on her face, told him not only that she was thinking about her child, but that she also needed to talk about it.

A startled expression crossed her face and she remained quiet for some time and the conflict she was feeling played out across her face. She never talked to anyone about her son, most of the time, she tried not to even think about it. The questions, the doubts and the pain were too difficult to endure. He'd been in the back of her mind all night, and she knew when she agreed to watch Ella all of those feelings would resurface, but on some level, she wanted that.

After several moments, she nodded and quietly said, "He turned six months old two weeks ago. One of the main reasons I went through with the adoption was because I knew how difficult it would be to raise him while trying to complete my residency. Now, I guess I'm just wondering if I made the right decision."

As he looked down at his daughter and smiled reflexively, Mark conceded, "It's not easy, trying to work here and take care of her. Elizabeth and I have each other, but... there are times when it still seems like it's too much. That's why I brought her here today. Elizabeth just needed a chance to get some sleep."

"But would you give it up?" she countered.

Shaking his head, he admitted, "Not now, no."

Jing-Mei studied him curiously, with a slightly confused expression on her face. Something in his voice compelled her to ask, "Did you consider it?"

He sighed softly as he watched Ella. "Elizabeth found out she was pregnant the same day my tumor was diagnosed. I didn't tell her about it for two weeks, until I'd gotten the biopsy results. While we were in New York, waiting for the tumor board to make its decision, I asked her if she'd have the baby either way."

"From the look on her face when she first saw the ultrasound, I'm guessing it didn't take her long to answer that question," Jing-Mei offered.

"No, it didn't."

A moment later, there was a knock on the door.

"Yeah?" Mark called.

The door opened and Lydia stuck her head inside. "Mark, we've got four victims from an MVA coming in. We're going to need you."

"ETA?"

"About five minutes."

"Okay, I'll be right there," he nodded.

After Lydia left, Mark kissed Ella on the forehead, then gently placed her back in carrier. "Be good for Jing-Mei, and I'll be back to check on you in a little while."

He turned to look at Jing-Mei, then carefully wondered, "Are you going to be okay?"

She drew in a deep breath, and managed a smile. "I think so. Talking helped. Thanks."

"That's what I'm here for. Let me know if you need anything else."

"Sure."

Mark came out of Exam One and was crossing to the admit desk when he saw Jing-Mei walking down the hall towards him. "Is everything okay with Ella?"

"She's fine," Jing-Mei assured him. "Elizabeth just got here. She's with Ella now, so I was going to head home."

"Okay," he nodded. "Thanks for watching her. Let me just go the lounge and I'll get my wallet."

Laughing softly, she said, "You don't have to pay me."

"I said I would."

"You don't have to. I enjoyed it, and I think it was just what I needed this morning."

"Are you sure?" he questioned as they continued towards the admit desk. "It's not a problem."

"I'm positive," she smiled.

"Well, thank you. I really appreciate you watching her for me."

"Like I said, I enjoyed it. I'll see you tomorrow," Jing-Mei said before heading into the lounge.

Turning to Randi, Mark said, "I'll be in Exam Five if you need me."

Mark stepped into the exam room a few moments later, and found Elizabeth breast feeding Ella with her back to him. Noticing her flinch at the sound of the door, he said, "It's just me."

She glanced over her shoulder and smiled. "Hi."

"How are you feeling this -" he checked his watch, "- afternoon?"

"Much better than I was last night," she admitted with a laugh. "How about you? How's your shift?"

"Not too bad," he shrugged as he sat down on the gurney across from her.

Still smiling, Elizabeth commented, "You didn't have to bring her to work with you."

"I know I didn't have to," he nodded, "but I thought you deserved a little extra sleep."

"It was nice," she confessed as she caressed the back of her daughter's hand. "Of course, when I woke up and saw that it was almost Noon, my first thought was, 'Oh, God. What's wrong with Ella? She didn't cry. She didn't wake me up.' Then I looked across the bed and saw the note on your pillow saying the two of you left for work."

Chuckling, he said, "I figured it wouldn't be too hard to bribe someone who was getting off. I just needed someone who could stay a few hours until you got here."

"And Jing-Mei was the lucky victim?" she questioned with a laugh.

"She actually volunteered. She wasn't really looking forward to going home."

"Is something wrong?"

"They lost a patient last night. Marfan's Syndrome with an aortic dissection. They gave thrombolytics," he explained heavily.

"The patient bleed out?" she surmised.

"Yeah."

Ella finished nursing, and Elizabeth carefully moved the little girl to her shoulder before refastening her bra and buttoning her shirt. As she began to rub Ella's back, she looked to Mark and curiously wondered, "How serious is this case?"

"It could be bad," he admitted. "From what I've heard, it was Malucci's case, he thought it was a drug induced MI and wanted to give thrombolytics. Jing-Mei signed off without checking the X-ray. They paged Weaver three times, but she never showed up. Carter finally went over to Doc's and got her."

She exhaled slowly. "Wow."

"Yeah. Things will probably be pretty crazy down here for a while."

She thought for a moment, then added, "That must have happened while I was in surgery. I didn't even here about it before I left."

"Thank God Weaver's not on today," he remarked. "I can only imagine how she's going to be on the warpath after this one."

Elizabeth just laughed at that mental image. "Have you had lunch yet?"

"No, not yet. Why?"

"On my way over, I stopped by Rico's and picked up a couple sandwiches. It's such a nice day out, I thought we could take Ella, head up to the roof and have lunch before anyone realized you were gone," she suggested with a smile.

"That is, without a doubt, the best offer I've had all day," he laughed.

"And just what other offers have you had?" she questioned with a grin.

"Trust me, you don't want to know," he grinned back as he stood up. "Come on, if you want to have lunch before the ER gets slammed, we'd better go now. Let me just tell Randi where I'm going, and make sure Luka can cover."

"Sure. I'll get Ella's things together. Hurry back."

"You know me," he chuckled before leaning over and giving her a brief, yet tender kiss.

I'd love to know what you think. Please seed all comments and feedback to: SixteenOzs02@yahoo.com LLP

October 27, 2001

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