just old news

24th may ok so i got fired. or more accurately, my services to agilent was no longer required. basically i fucht up.   be reet.   i'll just sit here doing nothing for a few weeks getting paid for it to boot.   i have nobody to blame except myself so that clearly entitles me to feel as sorry for myself as i fscking well like ;-) "czber cafe#s with their fscked up kezboards are not l33t at all" said one student 15th may been hit by a cbf lorry.   no amusing amusement this week. instead check out this website and do some good for once. fs. download the installer and sox0r it if you must. "cbflorries can strike at any time. even on tuesdays! achtung" 11th may uk sysadmins, possibly the most feared species of geek known to man, have found themselves lumped together with bouncers and wheelclampers today after the uk government passed a law that requires them to have a license. although the law was never intended to incluse non-physical security experts, and there is no plan to enforce it against them, an amendment to the law stating as much was turned down. "looks like someone's been taking bofh too seriously" said one student 10th may the hong kong astronomical society are suing the klingon-dictionary-working-group for slander after it was found that the society's acronym, hkas, is the klingon word for devil worship. as klingon is an entirely made up language the society feels it has every right to ask for the word to be removed. "its like they're saying hkas is totally evil or something" said one student editors note:   hkas also stands for heather kathryn addison steele. thankyou 9th may the disturbing discovery of the correct pronounciation of the word 'hauppauge' - a well known tv card manufacturer has caused the stock market to crash. from the company website:   "hauppauge is a town in new york on long island. [it] is pronounced hop-hog." "at first i was sceptical... but now i'm a believer." said one student 8th may a survey out today reveals that over fourty percent of webmasters have a scanned image of their arse on their employers website. the gartner group who made the study reportedly only put the question in for a pisser... but have since fired one of their web developers for 'lewd behaviour' "what else do people use scanners for?" said one student 7th may genetic researchers and bio-chemists have finally uncovered the protein that makes grated cheese taste so much nicer than sliced cheese. they are hoping to incorporate the protein, which is formed after violent exposure of a block of cheese to a hard metallic surface, into normal cheese. "it would save quite a bit of time i suppose..." said one student 4th may a disgruntled employee who complained about his workstation being infected by a virus was laughed to death today after if was discovered he opened an attachment sent to the virus alert pdl he was subscribed to. the pdl regularly receives messages containing viruses for them to inspect. "he's so dumb he takes the piss out of himself to save people the effort" said one student 3rd may the traditional may day riots in london, england were broken up by police playing the new u2 album. skirmishes broke out when 'old' manics invaded the 'new' manics' territory.   the manic depressives shouted 'i told you so' lots. "oh, i was probably in bed. missed it." said one student 1st may a bomb scare at the atrium building in south boeblingen caused chaos earlier today. on arriving at the scene police were faced with a half full cup of tepid anaemic looking tea. this is the fifth such false alarm in as many weeks. "when i saw the tea bags fizzing i assumed it was a heat activated bomb" said one student 30th april the spanish grand prix race on sunday ended in a spectacular way when a sniper shot out hakkinen's engine from a goodyear blimp. it was clear from the start that schumacher would win the race so really - it was just fate. "hakkinens a boring tnuc anyway... i doubt anyone cared that much" said one student 27th april civil war broke out in china early this morning when the dictator general jiang zemin got his third repeat kinder surprise toy in a row. the blue and green toy car was thought to be a conspiracy by the rebel taiwanese to rid china of all fun. "its such a poor toy i'm surprised the order to launch wasn't given earlier" said one student 26th april paprika has become germanys national dish.   the country, which imports around 200 million tons of red yellow and green peppers every year, finally recognised the growing popularity with a formal announcement by the culture secretary. opposing views about whether paprika is actually a 'dish' or a 'garnish' were laughed off. "paprika ice cream with funky paprika sauce is my favourite" said one student 25th april google, the award winning search engine came up trumps today as it found the lost city of atlantis. the creators of the worlds most popular non-hacking search engine were said to be delighted at the accuracy of their software. "thats all well and good, but it cant find 1300 ftps with 0 day warez, can it hmm?" said one student 24th april the world health organisation has started shipping emergency supplies of oestrogen to germany.   fears that the female population were becoming too masculine had to be addressed. an american company has also pledged to sell low cost razors to the german government. "hopefully its not too late" said one student 23rd april the guinness book of records accidentally destroyed the known universe last firday after it created an unacceptable paradox when it entered itself as a world record holding holder of world records. executives expressed their deep regret at having annihilated everything. their shares were down slightly on the news. "it really was a clever marketing ploy. got my attention" said one student 20th april newsflash! we are getting reports that it is in fact snowing in the south germanic town of boeblingen. we are waiting for absolute confirmation, as this comes after last weeks false reports which turned out to be blossom falling off of spring trees. the schneiderei, a once popular and then not so popular and now popular again pub in southern germany, has stated its intention to start serving guinness on tap.   there is already a two year waiting list for voulenteer workers on the nights that the blonde bird works at the bar and this will only serve to compound the problem. "table fußball, mad porn game, guinness and white russians. i won't want to leave." said one student 19th april mobile phone novelty ringtones have been outlawed in northern australia after they caused a rail crash last night. when questioned over the kneejerk reaction, ministers said that they were running low on scapegoats; especially after their legislation that outlawed the internet. "nobody really likes them anyway... it's for our own good." said one student 18th april listening to german hip hop has finally been linked to cancer.   the link was established after an experiment where 100 students were forced to listen to the music for ten hours straight, whilst a control group was played a placebo.   all but seven of the hip hop group died before the experiment finished and those remaining were seriously ill. "i always had my suspicions." said one student 17th april religion and not money has been unequivocally agreed as being the root of all evil. like the word 'wendy' was made up by james matthew barrie for the book peter pan, so the word 'evil' was made up for the bible. "no wonder society's degrading when our children are forced to learn this stuff" said one student 12th april good news today as we receive reports of a perfect kiddie drop.   a silent stall followed by a clean pinch with minimal need for wiping. with the holiday season approaching this is clearly good news for everyone. "this is the stuff dreams are made of" said one student 11th april the world saw the end of an era yesterday as a remarkable mobile phone battery ran out of power. the battery had been running for over nine days without needing to be recharged.   theories about the reason for the longevity range from 'the owner was a sad git and nobody called' him to the more plausible 'sleep walking and recharging' "the duracell bunnies would have been proud" said one student 10th april bemused workers at one high tech firm today were stunned when a woman with an even ranker arse than the previous de-facto was seen taking a coffee break.   reports are that this may have been the first sighting of a bocfob since the beginning of spring. "once again we've seen the bar raised" said one student 9th april public outrage today after dictionary.com word of the day sent out two words that readers already knew the meaning of. the blatant spam mail was greeted with disgust and prompted speculation that civil action may be taken. "why would i want them to send me words i already know?" said one student 6th april newsflash! effective may 1, a temporary 10-percent pay reduction will be implemented agilent-wide for all employees, subject to local laws and regulations. looks like we've been cunted over again! there will be a rememberance service for conchy dans 'brick' later today.   the discman finally succumbed to the pressures of the modern world on tuesday after almost thirty years in operation. "its always a sad day when a prototype product wears out" said one student 5th april the canteen ran out of chocolate croissants at approximately 8.49am precisely today after the guy in front of this reporter bought them all.   most disappointed punters walked away empty handed whilst a few bought regular croissants. "we were faced with some tough decisions today" said one student. 4th april dirty steve nicklin told reporters today that he had given up drinking until the spring beer festival.   he has been 'dry' for almost three days. the self imposed ban is an effort to give his liver time to recover before he kills it off at the fest. "its like an earthquake has hit the drinking community" said one student. 3rd april it has just been discovered by this reporter that the inside of a kinder surprise egg, which has been a small yellow plastic container for longer than anyone can remember, has been replaced by a small white plastic container. "i've been building up my collection for three months . . . all for nothing" said one student. 2nd april cbfa - the well used acronym which stands for can't be fucking arsed - has now officially been shortened to cbf. "an unprecidented level of laziness has prompted the change" said one student.