• PRISON vs. WORK
• PC Viruses
• TOP 12 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM TECH SUPPORT
• Shallow Thoughts

     IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
     AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

     IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
     AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

     IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
     AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all
     the doors yourself.

     IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
     AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

     IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
     AT WORK you have to share.

     IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
     AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

     IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
     AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
     they  deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

     IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
     inside wanting to get out.
     AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and  inside
     bars.

     IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
     AT WORK they are called managers.

Woody Allen Virus
bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

Tonya Harding Virus
turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons

Paul Revere Virus
warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\

Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg

Ollie North Virus
plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files

Joey Buttafuaco Virus
only attacks minor files

Michael Jackson Virus
preys on child processes

Ronald Reagan Virus
saves your data, but forgets where it's stored

Jane Fonda Virus
attacks your hard drive's FAT

Oprah Winfrey virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB

AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus

Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itelf a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

 Ross Perot Virus
 Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Government Economist Virus
 Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Fedeal Bueaurocrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer

Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer

Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem

Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything

Airline Virus
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore

Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money

Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again

LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

O.J. Virus
it claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

12. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
11. "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
10. "So -- what are you wearing?"
 9. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
 8. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
 7. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with '60 Minutes.' Press 3  if you're with the FTC."
 6. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
 5. "I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that."
 4. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenberg Effect."
 3. "Hold on a second ... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
 2. "OK, turn to Page 523 in your copy of 'Dianetics.'"

And the No. 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support ...
 1. "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."


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Shallow Thoughts -

    Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

     Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

     Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

     I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

     I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

     I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

     I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

     I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

     If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

     Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.

     Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

     Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

     Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

     The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

     When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

     If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
     something.

     Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

     Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

     When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

     Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

     if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

     Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

     What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

     Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

     I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

     I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

     Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

     How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

     Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

     Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

     Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

     For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

     Black holes are where God divided by zero.
 

     All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand