Life is full of ironies, isn't it? Just when I had finished doing my anniversary special, reminiscing about how hard it was when I first started the Racetrack, then comes this issue that blows over my face like an oven gone haywire. Boy, was I naíve. Little did I know that all my hard work would result in people putting a label on me and calling me a snob behind my back while they cyber-smiled at me when I mail them. God knows how hard I tried to help out people, but I've been hearing feedback that I talk like a rocket scientist or that my help was useless. What can I do? I'm but human. I can't please everybody, can I? I am not a GOD. But it seems all these pains are part of this new feud that seems to exist between newbies and seniors.
Let me enumerate the various factors that make up this ridiculous battle:
Was this the reason why I never posted a "Please vote for me on the Blah Blah" on my page? Someone asked me this one time. I told this person that I did post one announcement like that but that was for a contest that was created by a newbie and I wanted to help this newbie gain something from my site at least. That was the least I could do. I didn't post a "Please vote for me on the People's Choice II" because the Amazoness Quartet had enough popularity already. The fact is, I don't want to impose myself on my visitors because I didn't want to look like I was begging to win something or was begging for recognition. Again, for me that would make me lose a little of my pride and my dignity.
The same can be said about how I feel about interviews, especially that of Apatt's interviews. Frankly, I'm quite disappointed that some people hint--or worse, they demand--that they should be interviewed by Apatt. I've asked Apatt's permission to publish the next sentences... Do you know how Shrine Keepers began? I was then in a state of mixed emotions, nothing seemed to be going right for me. Everything was a mess in my life, to say the least. Apatt, bless him, wanted to cheer me up by making a comical interview type questionnaire that he made me answer. Do you see? Do you see that it wasn't a move to promote elite sites? How can an act of love and friendship be given such an ugly meaning by a lot of people? How can an act with so beautiful an intention be used by other people to gain even more popularity, more hits, more recognition? It disgusted me. I was so disgusted with how people didn't even try to hide that they wanted to be interviewed. You may call me self-righteous. Call me a snob. Call me someone who's trying for false humility. But this is how I feel, and I could not lie to myself...not to me, not to anybody. If this is wrong, then so be it. It's an opinion, and I guess it would be up to the reader to judge whether an opinion like mine can be wrong.
Why was I disgusted? Why? The answers are simple, actually. (1) To even hint to Apatt that you want to be interviewed is like begging for attention. (2) To demand that Apatt interview you is to be rude, selfish, and egotistic. You not only try to take away Apatt's right to his own page, you also make him feel like it's his moral obligation to make you feel special. While I find the first case extremely pathetic, undignified and utterly lacking in self-respect, I find the second case horrifying. Worst case scenario is when you accuse Apatt of being elitist and a snob because he wanted to interview only those who are popular. Never mind the fact that not all Shrine Keepers are actually popular, but I'd just like for people to chew on this: Anyone who falls on the third case doesn't deserve respect because no one has the right to accuse anyone of anything, especially not in public. Sue me if you want to but this is how I feel.
By Adam! Do people even realize that in the Kraiders there are two people we can call newbies, Aunt Ané and Bowaggi, being that they both started their pages in 1998? So what is it now? Where do they fall into? Are they newbies or elites? But of course, people would put them in the elite category because they had the name Kraider stuck to them. But how did my cousins become so popular? Do you think that they'd have well-liked pages just because they had the word "kraider" stuck to them? Of course not! My cousins are creative, which was why they are popular. It's not because they are Kraiders, but because they glittered on their own.
Where does this Kraider grouping even originate from anyway? It was because people had noticed a trend in the shrines my cousins made, not because the name was already there. To point out something: The Kraiders had existed online since May 18, 1997. We were ignored until one by one each Kraider published their individual pages. They shone individually and it was only later that people began to discover that the creators of Fire Senshi's Realm, Dark Echo Grounds of Thunder Senshi, and the Beam of Love Senshi were related by blood.
So what are the reasons why people suddenly become friendly to us? Was it because they want to be "part of our clique." To these people: Please don't use us as your yardstick. It's hurtful and saddening. We don't appreciate being used as a ladder for this thing they call social status. We don't appreciate people sucking up just because they think we're popular, not because they wanted to be friends for the sake of friendship. We are not a clique. We didn't divide ourselves from the rest. We didn't put a margin or dividing line while saying, "We're the Kraiders. We're a group of really good shrine makers with big heads and you can't reach us because you're not related to us by blood." We are not GODS. We are not elitists. We don't broadcast to the world that our pages are darned good because we know that there are thousands of others out there tons better than ours. The Kraiders are a family. Is that a sin?
I have seen forum entries that stressed the word *humility*. It's a simple word that starts with *h* and yet a lot of people seem to have forgotten what this means. What does this mean? To me, this word goes alongside with my pride. Confused? Well, this is my explanation for this. I have this thing I call my Asian Pride, or maybe it's my Filipino Pride. It's what kept me from applying for awards or even hinting that I want them. The only time I applied for an award was when the owner of that award scheme told me to apply for it. I didn't want to hurt that person's feelings so that was where I let go of my pride. I have applied for awards for my cousins' or my sister's sake, especially when I know they deserve a particular award, but I could not bring myself to apply for my own site. I had always thought that if I applied for an award of my own accord that would reflect on the idea that I think so highly of my site as to want to win such awards. I didn't want to look conceited, and so I reminded myself that my site would never be perfect or even good enough to gain worthy attention. That may be what people would call false humility, or even humility, but for me I was trying to maintain my dignity and my pride by not begging for an award from anyone.
As everyone who knows me knows, I'm repulsed by people who leave huge banners on my guest book with only a note saying, "Nice site! Visit mine!" Worse, they just leave huge banners on your guest book without a text-written word! Well, those kinds of people wouldn't be reading this now, would they? They can't even tell me if my fonts suck or if the links look too dark because they don't even read whatever it is inside my site. Obviously, they're only making my guest book an advertising agency. But know what repulses me most? It's when people say, "Sign my guest book and tell me what you liked about my page." If people knew me, they'd know that I do go to guest books and tell exactly what I think of the page. I do that even when I was a newbie, and most especially when I didn't have a page yet. So if people ask me to tell them what I really think of their page, they should be prepared to take whatever it is that I have to say, whether it's positive or negative. If they ask me to tell them what I liked about their page, I'd rather not go to their pages because I may not find anything to like and I don't like lying. Hate me, call me a nerd or a snob just because I gave a few suggestions, which they probably wouldn't understand anyway. This is not enough reason to make me an elitist god.
Are we GODS? Do we even bleed? Whatever term is being used--gods, elites, famous--these are words that have recently produced negative meanings. I've never liked the word elite, and I don't appreciate it being used to describe me and then these same people group themselves into the newbie category.
Some people may have read my Aunt Ané's article about newbies. I also even wrote Mars of the MSquad and commended her on such a beautiful article about giving the newbies a chance to be seen and heard. But it seems a few newbies have blown this whole business out of proportion.
This is all I have to say: I reiterate my Aunt's sentence, "We were all newbies once." Yes, we know how you feel. We know how hard it is to be recognized, but there are ways of being recognized without even bothering people like some newbies (I will not name names) do today. What hurts most is that when I look back to the times when I was a newbie I remember...I never wrote a two-word sentence on guest books...I never asked for an award unless I was invited to...I never announced to all and sundry in mass e-mails, guest books, or forums that I was reviewed by a prestigious review group and make that a reason to say that people can no longer ignore me...I never pestered people to interview me...I never demanded people to go to my site or link my page because my page is good or my page is not bad...but why is all this happening to me? Why is it that all the things I didn't do to the people I want to show my site to is being done to me and my cousins?
Like I've said earlier, people can say what they want to say after reading this article. Call me a snob. Call me self-centered. Call me a plebe. Self-righteous. Elitist. God. I can never run people's thoughts, but I, too, deserve to be heard. This is one of the times I am imploring for people to hear me out, and it's not even on somebody else's bandwidth. I just want to have fun again and go back to the days when I was doing my page for myself and the people who care for me, not for some glory-seeking expedition.
My last words: No amount of award from any prestigious group can equal the warmth that visitors can give when they e-mail you to give you both positive and negative feedback. These are visitors. They come of their own accord. They're not obligated to review your site, but they are on your page for their own personal enjoyment.