I need sleep. The system is down. I'm pretty sure someone is stabbing me in my shoulder. right trap. does anyone want to fill out the permission slip? Can I die right now? No, wait. Can I crawl under my desk, cry, and then die?

I saw someone friday. I'm not convinced she's a person. She may be something more.

Something more than me anyhow.

I've known her for years. And I don't know enough about her. There are some people in this world that you don't know when they're gone, you don't miss them. You just might walk around lacking this little piece that missing. This little piece that they unknowingly and quietly cut from you. So days, months, and years pass.

You take your walks, sip your grande mochas, love your signifigant others.

It rains. It pours.

You live your life. Maybe you've even fooled yourself into thinking that you are giving that 100 and ten percent that motivational speakers and coaches love oh so much. It's a ridiculous thought though, giving more than all of you. And at that, this 100 percent can't even be given. You can't do this because there's this one person, who you knew for years and disappeared, walking around, carrying you around, tucked away and they don't even know it.

And one day, maybe years, months, days later they're there. And that ache and tearing of the missing piece become painfully apparent. The floodgates are open. days, months, years worth of bleeding comes at once, though this tiny little hole.

It's not as though you're given this piece back. You've become aware.

So you're standing there, days, months, years later. You need this. It hurts. If enough or too much time has passed maybe you want it to end. Want to die. You think to yourself "maybe I can crawl into this little hole they left. maybe that'll stop the bleeding. my high dive into oblivion." It won't. You just stand there.

All this time standing there. You start to feel nothing. be nothing. If you just walk up to them, look into them and tell them "I need you back." could they accept that? Will that let you take them and hold them into you?

God willing you've taken a part of them days, months, years, ago and that they are now realizing that they are just as pained by your absence as you've been by theirs.

I had all this on friday. I had all this and I let it go.

Maybe that's the cutting in my shoulder. More of me being taken out by this woman. This woman who I believe to be everything good that I am not.

And I'm aware now.