Adrenaline rushed through me like some kind of drug. I had the momentum, I had the skill, I beat him back. This was it. This was what all these months had been building to. I was finally going to kill Angelus, stab him through and through. Saving the world was an added bonus, but killing him was the main event.

I found that I was almost eager. I was ready. I'd finally let go of my Angel. The ritual was just another lost hope, and I'd had too many of those. There was no hope. Angel was gone and I was about to drive this cold steel through his body. I was going to send him to hell. I could do it. I was finally strong enough.

And as I moved to strike, he gasped. A gasp of pain, surprise. Oh God, I hear it in my ears even now as the scene replays itself in my mind yet again. He looked up at me, and I saw the golden glow in his eyes. I knew what it meant, even though I couldn't have known. My heart leapt into my throat the way it does now, and I swallowed nervously.

It was a trick. It had to be a trick.

Then he looked up at me and his eyes were filled with tears. And it really was him...my Angel. He looked up at me, his eyes filled with tears and with...love. Oh God. It was him. He was back. I dreamed it so many times, I saw those eyes in dreams. I'd been wishing for him to look at me like that for so long.

It was a dream. It had to be a dream.

And he spoke my name. I could try to deny it, but in my heart I knew it was him. He had come back to me. I wanted to believe, but I had to be sure. He sounded so confused, so lost. I listened to his words, his voice, all the while still holding my sword. I had been so ready, but after hearing him the sword drooped awkwardly in my hands. His name escaped my lips, and with that one breath I accepted him.

In those months without him, I had gone over and over it in my mind. If I were to get him back somehow, what would I do? Would I be able to forgive him? Would I be able to separate him from the crimes the demon had committed? They were crimes that weren't really his fault. Rationally I knew that. But my soul had been so abused by the person that wore his face. Would I be able to see past the pain and betrayal? In that one instant, as his name fell from my lips, I knew the answers. Yes, I could forgive him. My love for him was bigger than any pain, bigger than any doubt.

In that moment I accepted him back fully and completely, no restictions, no conditions. Just love. That's all I felt. No anger, no fear. Love.

I thought that he would ask me for forgiveness, that he would be incapacitated by guilt. I know him. I know how he beats himself up. I know how he accepts all the blame for his past crimes. So I expected him to look at me with pain.

But it was confusion, innocence that filled his face. He didn't remember. Any of it.

To him things were just as they had been before. Before we... And for me it became the same way. It was as though the past few months had never happened. There was no wall, no pain between us.

He saw I was hurt, wrapped me in his arms. I could have laughed, if it weren't so strange, so sad. I had to remind myself that he had become a new person. He couldn't remember that it was his hand that had drawn my blood.

But he would. Somehow I knew that too.

God, it was really him and he held me in his arms. It felt so good. It felt so right to be near him, to be held by him. I thought I could stand that way forever. He held me like he used to hold me, before. And I could cry, because I had been so sure I would never be held by him again. I could have cried from pure happiness, because I had been so sure I would never feel his familiar strength enfold me. It almost worked. Being held in his arms always made me feel safe, as if nothing could ever be wrong in the world. Being held by him this time, after waiting so long, was amazing. I just wanted to enjoy it, to allow myself to heal. His arms almost drove reality away, but that stupid demon Akawhatever had to open his mouth.

I saw it opening and beginning to suck the world into hell, and I knew what I had to do. Whistler had told me. One blow, send them both to hell. NOT FAIR! Not fair. I had him back. My Angel. After all this time. And now I had to kill him, because it was my duty, because I had to save the world.

But maybe I didn't feel like saving the world. Maybe I wanted one goddamn moment of fucking happiness. Was that too much to ask?

I guess it was.

My mind was whirling like crazy, stumbling over what must be done. He had no idea, like a poor innocent lamb led to the slaughter. At least he would never know...what he had done. He would never know about Miss Calendar...or the things he had said to me..the hatred.

God, give me strength. How do you do something like that? How do you kill your lover, the man that you love more than any one in the world? You do it because you have to.

I kissed him. I had to feel his lips on mine. It was the last time. I knew that, and as he kissed me back, it was almost too much to bear. I wanted nothing more than to just let him kiss me. Who cared about the stupid world? It had taken everything from me. Did it have to have him too?

Lips on lips. His hands on me one last time. My body awakened to him like it always had. His kisses. I'll never feel them again. I reveled in that kiss. One last time. My arms slipped around him because I wanted him close. I wanted to hold on to him for as long as I could. I wanted him. I still want him. I need him.

But I knew what I had to do. I've known since the moment I discovered that the curse was broken. I was prepared to kill Angelus. I wanted to kill him. But Angel..my Angel.

I had to do it.

I know that. But that doesnt make it hurt any less. That doesn't take the knife out of my heart. The knife that slips in deeper each time I remember. He was so trusting. He closed his eyes the moment I asked. No questions. He always trusted me more than he trusted himself. He always believed in me.

The knife in my heart twists when I remember the look on his face as I slipped the sword home. That look still tears me apart. A look of confusion, fear, and betrayal. His eyes asking me why. His voice speaking my name so softly, so questioningly. I didn't have an answer for those eyes. I couldn't explain it to him. Saving the world wasn't a good enough explanation for those eyes.

His arm stretched out to me. Sometimes I catch hold of it in my dreams and draw him back to me. I wish that I had caught it in mine then. Not to bring him back to me, but to go with him. I should have gone with him, but I didn't.

I just stood there looking into those eyes. The eyes that I will never see again. Then he was gone, and I was alone. I will never feel his arms around me, never cry on his shoulder, never see that smile of his that turns the corners of his mouth up again. I will never feel his lips on mine, his tongue in my mouth, his strong hands on my body again. I will never again hear those words that he spoke to me only twice. *I love you.*

He loved me and I killed him.

But I loved him too. And I hope that where ever he is now, he knows that. And I hope he knows why I did it. I hope he understands. I hope he realizes if he is in hell, I am in hell too.

This Earth is hell without him. I am in my own personal hell, knowing that I will never see him again. I would give anything. Anything but the world I suppose. Not that I have anything left to give.

But I wouldn't mind giving up anything else, if I had him.

Angel, my Angel. I am so sorry. I am so lonely without you.

I thought I was used to it. I thought that Angelus had taught me to hate. I thought that I didn't need you anymore. I was wrong.

Because now I know that all the time I thought I was getting over you, I was still holding that shred of hope that you could be returned to me. And that shred made this world worth struggling in. But now that hope is gone.

All it took was one moment with you to erase all the hatred that it took Angelus months to teach me.

Please Angel where ever you are, forgive me. Know that I am in so much pain without you. I don't know what to do. I don't know where I'm going. All I know is the pain. You left me once because I made you happy. But you made me happy too, more happy than anyone else in the world ever could.

Without you there is nothing but sadness.

I wish I could have faith in goodness again. I wish that I could believe that what is just and fair will win out, and this Earth is worth fighting for. But what happened to you..to us wasn't fair or good or just.

They've asked too much of me. I always gave. I complained, but I always gave. I even gave me own life. But to ask me to give yours. It's too much. I don't think I can do it anymore. I can't do it without you.

One moment of heaven, seeing you again, being in your arms. And an eternity of hell..for both of us. But I wouldn't trade it.

I'll remember...always. And I wouldn't trade a moment of my time with you for anything. I hope you know that.

I will always love you. Always.

the end

*Your love is better than chocolate, better than anything else that I've tried.* Sarah McLachlan...Ice Cream.

feedback would be greatly appreciated..but this was mainly therapy for me so if you opted not to take part in my purging I understand...and I apologize again for dumping my pain on you guys.


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