Rated : PG-13

Spoilers : None really, this could happen anytime in the future.

Summary : After Angel's death, Buffy makes a wish that could cost her anything. Totally happy-end free !

Disclaimer: Joss owns Buffy, what a shame... :)

   Buffy was coming back from a patrol. She felt weary, empty, tired of everything. "I need a holiday", she thought. But Slayers don't get holidays.
   The moment she entered the Library, she knew something was wrong. She could tell by looking at Giles. He was absorbed in reading a letter, and on his face was the "very annoyed" look - that is, desperate. She tried to cheer him up a bit: "One day, your books will eat you up ! Oh, this time it's a letter…who's it from, a demon, or just some kind of undead person?" Giles had jumped when she had spoken, and now he was looking at her with very sad and tired eyes. He took a moment, as if seeking his words, and she thought that he was going once again into one of his "it's-too-simple-let's-make-it-complicated" kind of explanation. But he just took a deep breath and said: "It's from Cordelia".

   Buffy felt her blood freeze. There was only one reason why Cordelia would write to Sunnydale. And that was… "Is Angel dead?" There was a silence. "Look Buffy, I'm so sorry…" She didn't hear the end of the sentence. She didn't cry, or faint. She just sank to the ground very slowly, first on her knees, then on her side. She saw Giles rush towards her, but all she could think of was how nice it would be to lie on this cold floor forever, and rest there, just rest.

   Giles was trying to help her up, but she didn't seem to hear or see him. Although he could see that she was conscious, it was as if she had fallen in a kind of catatonic state. So he gave up, and called 911. Then, he sat next to her and hold her hand. That was really the worst thing that could have happened right now, and he wished he could have hidden it from her. Buffy was tired, exhausted to be honest. Every night now, he feared not to see her coming back. And this… This was the last straw. And the shock had apparently taken her last strengths.

   He was brought back to reality by the sound of the ambulance. Buffy hadn't moved. Male nurses took her away, and Giles called Joyce and the gang. He explained as shortly as he could what had happened, and they all agreed to meet at the Hospital.

   Once there, they just stayed silent and waited, too overwhelmed to say or do anything. It was only when the doctor arrived saying that he didn't know what was wrong with her that Joyce became frantic. "You don't know?! Of course you don't know ! Even I don't know what's wrong with her, because I'm not a Slayer and I can't understand anything of what she's going through !!!" she screamed to the puzzled doctor, who was wondering if he should be sending her to the psychiatric dept. Fortunately, Giles calmed her down, and gave the doctor the "under the shock, blablabla" usual excuse. "She may have suffered a psychological distress", the doctor continued, "and is reacting against the exterior world, that brought this shock to her. But in this case, there's nothing I can do. She's the only one who can fight against herself and decide to come back. Until then I recommend that she stays into the hospital." No one refused, not even Joyce: she was too overcome by grief to fight anything.

   And so there Buffy stayed. But she could have been in her room, or on the top of a mountain, it wouldn't have made any difference to her. She was aware of everything that went on around her, but it was as if she was watching from very far away. She was alone with her grief, locked on the inside. Inside, she was screaming with pain, crying all her tears, but she just couldn't let it out. She didn't want to speak, because all she could think of now was "Angel is dead". All day, and all night, "Angel is dead". And every morning when she woke up, she had to rediscover it again. "Angel is dead". She had enough trouble dealing with that, she just didn't want to have to communicate with people, she was not able to.

   One week passed, and she still hadn't let a word out, or given any sign of recognition to the people who came visit her. Willow and Xander came everyday, to tell her about school, and about all the things that carried on without her. They were taking care of the patrols, just as they had done when she had left to L.A., after Angel's first death.

   Her mother came everyday, too, but most of the time she only cried, or said how much she hated vampires, who had stolen the life of her only daughter.
   Giles was the one who stayed the longest. The nurses had soon understood that he was not the kind of man to whom you can apply "visit hours". He would come right after school, and stay with Buffy until dark. Sometimes he would read for her, but most of the time he stayed silent, just holding her hand, trying to give her his strengths to fight this battle with herself.

   But she was not fighting. She didn't want to fight anymore. What for? What's the point of fighting when the people you love can get killed anytime by any monster or even by a man. She didn't know how Angel had died, in fact she didn't care. The fact was here, that was enough: Angel was dead, and she hadn't been here to protect him. Now she was alone in her room and it was night. She felt better when everyone had gone, almost peaceful. But suddenly she sensed a presence in the room. She was half asleep, but she raised her head and looked around, only to discover a nurse standing by the bed. She didn't know her. Her blood froze. She had seen her eyes, and in them the cold sparkle of demons. She wanted to move, but she didn't and thought that maybe it would be nice to die now. The demon moved forward and spoke a single question. "What would you give to have him one more day?" "Anything". The word had slipped out of her before she could hold it back, and the sound of her voice surprised her. "You said it, your wish is granted", said the nurse, and she disappeared.

   Then Buffy realized what she had done. She had said "anything". She thought in horror of all that this demon could take away from her: her family, her friends, her life…anything. I was a dream, it had to be a dream, a nightmare. Her instinct was telling her to get out of this hospital, so she got up, dressed and manage to cheat the vigilance of the nurse. Once out, she headed towards the Mansion. Her heart was aching, torn between her hope that it was all a dream, and her desperate need for it to be true. When she arrived, she hesitated a moment in front of the door. Then she entered. No one was there. Of course no one was there, it was a dream. She felt relived, but at the same time she felt that immense pain go through her, and she broke down on the couch. She started sobbing, and her grief was so vivid that it was as if she could never stop aching. Finally she fell asleep, still crying in her dreams.

   She was awaken by the sound of a fire nearby. She felt drowsy, and at first she didn't know where she was. But then everything came back to her, and she looked at the fire with that unbearable hope raising in her chest.
  "Buffy?" She turned towards the voice. He was here. She couldn't believe it, he was here, in flesh and bones. She jumped to her feet and threw herself in his arms. She could never get enough of him, even after 1000 years. They kissed desperately, both crying and shaking with the strength of their love. When they finally pulled away from each other, she looked at him. He seemed lost.

   "Buffy, what am I doing here? I was…well, I was dead!" She explained everything, and as she did she started crying again, thinking about what might be taken from her at the end of the day. But she didn't regret. If it was to be done again, she would. After this, words were not of any use. They just laid in each other's arms, and let their souls melt together. They tried to enjoy every second of the other's presence, not thinking about what would happen next. They spent the day like this, in an unearthly state, just enjoying what they had even if it wasn't for long.

   A little before midnight, Buffy started to worry about the deal she had made. She couldn't help crying. Angel saw it and said "I'm so sorry Buffy. Sorry that you made this sacrifice for me. Sorry I got killed, and let you live with that. And so, so sorry that I won't be here to protect you against whatever arrives tonight." She didn't answer, she just held him stronger, in a way that meant more than any words could have done. They were both crying, and they kissed one more time - one last time they thought. But midnight passed, and Angel was still here. They looked at each other in wonder, then Buffy rushed to the phone and called everyone. They were fine, absolutely puzzled to hear her talk, and glad that she was alive (they had been looking for her all day), but they were all fine. She felt strong, so she hadn't lost her Slayer's powers either. She couldn't figure out what had happened, but she knew one thing: all her friends and family were ok, and Angel was still here ! She had left him in the living room, and when she entered he was standing in the middle of it, looking at her. Love made her heart feel too small. She had an impulse towards him, and she moved forward, but then she saw his eyes. That sparkle… "Anything", she had said, "take anything"….

"Hi Buff, how've you been doing without me?"

Anything.

End

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