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***********************************************
Love Through Time ~ A Serena And Darien Saga
Volume 1, Chapter 7
By Sailor Europa
Well if I had been in a daze going to Dariens that evening, I was in
whole different world returning from his home. Had I not known the route
perfectly, I'm afraid I never would have found my way. I wandered around,
not really watching anything in particular, for it wasn't the scenery I was
paying attention to. God, to think of all that had happened, in just 24
hours.....It boggled the mind. I couldn't believe it, and I had been there.
I sighed, my mind grasping for an answer, any answer, that it could come up
with, but still not satisfied with any. I couldn't believe it, I, Serena
Williams, a woman with a family, a stable one nonetheless. (well, as stable
as it could possibly be, considering the circumstances...) And I was now
debating on whether to leave it behind, for good. Was I insane?
I heaved another large sigh, knowing I wasn't crazy, but as close as I
possibly could be. I was in love. My forehead wrinkled in despair, I found
myself at my front gate, and now debating on whether to actually go in. I
was sure Harlan was either at work or at the club, but I still couldn't bear
going inside, not while I knew what was waiting. Absolutely nothing, that's
what. I had one beautiful daughter, but even that couldn't hold me. A week
ago, even a few days ago, I never would have considered this! But now, after
this afternoon, I realized I didn't know how I could possibly stay, trapped
inside my own house, inside a private hell, a hell I had brought upon
myself. It was incredibly unfair, but I realized a long time ago that life
wasn't fair, not by a long shot. But for the past week, things had seemed
gloriously perfect. I was living out a dream, the very one I myself had
deemed unachievable. I loved him, and I knew enough to realize that this
feeling wasn't going away. Ever.
I had gotten myself into a huge wreck, and was now suffering the
extreme consequences. Was this my punishment? God, how I had wanted, waited,
longed for this feeling. To be loved, to even be respected! Now, it seemed I
was being punished, for going after the one thing that can make me
happy....Why? I've had a taste of heaven, and now I'm expected to live a
mortal life? After only a fraction of what I could have?
Biting my lip, I turned and walked back to the street, not sure exactly
where I was going, but positive I couldn't go home. I walked about
aimlessly, my feet taking random turns, leading me to God knows where. I
didn't care. I had to clear my mind, I had to think. Think of my life, how
it could be, how it was.....How I wanted it. That's what it boiled down to.
Live what I've always dreamt of, lusted after for so long, or stay with my
family, in a settled environment? God, I didn't know.....
I looked up, only to find my feet had taken me to the one place they
knew all too well. Unaware and oblivious, the book shop stood, towering
above me, almost mocking me. He was leaving in three days....I had until
then to decide. I proceeded a bit closer, my eyes peering into the small
corner window curiously. The muffled sounds come just barely audible to my
ears, and I watched carefully, keeping my body just out of sight.
Darien sat, boxes strewn about, a few scattered books lying on the
floor and beside him on his desk. He was on the edge of his seat, his eyes
staring downward, completely oblivious to my spying. He packed a few away,
checked them off and continued the pattern for a while. I smiled. What was
he thinking? Was he as preoccupied as I was? I had no idea. I pressed my
fingers up to the glass, my smile growing involuntarily as I gazed on
helplessly. Oh God, I loved this man.....
I began to imagine the next few months, my normal routine filling out
my schedule as it normally had, with one tiny detail.....Darien in France. I
cringed. Even the thought scared me....I closed my eyes, my mind spilling
over. How could I do this? What had I gotten myself into? I convulsed, my
stomach churning as the thought came more and more. How could I have been so
foolish? This had always been a possibility, and yet, I was only beginning
to consider the idea. What was wrong with me? I licked my dry lips, refusing
to open my eyes, to watch the reality play out in front of my own eyes. I
sound rung out and I immediately opened my eyes, although I couldn't name
the sound, it startled me and my lids flew open. My face contorted, now
fully aware of the scene. He had almost filled all his boxes, and now looked
around, for what I had no idea. But every motion just broke what remained of
my heart into even smaller pieces. How.....How could I let go? Let go of a
dream, the one thing in my life that seemed to be flawless? I turned my head
away, whipping furiously at tears that now stung my eyes. I sniffed
absently, biting my lip anxiously. I sighed and then groaned disgustedly at
myself.
I spun around quickly on my heel, my pace quickening along with my
heart. It was getting to be too much. Something had to give, or else I was
going to drive myself out of my mind....
******
I once again continued my walk, aimlessly journeying through the warm
Stratford atmosphere, my mind whirling as aimlessly as my feet. I tried to
think of something else, in the minuscule hope that I would have an epiphany
in the midst, but my brain was stubborn, and kept right on returning to the
matter at hand. It was then that I looked up. I had heard of being in the
wrong place at the wrong time, but had failed to realize how the exact
opposite could be true.
On the front stoop of a small, brick building, was Harlan, his arms
affectionately around some woman. They laughed and held each other closer
and I felt my stomach lurch. Whatever feelings I had had for the man, no
matter how spiteful or hateful, were nothing compared to the disgusting
boiling that brewed in the pit of my stomach just then. I loathed him more
than I had ever thought possible. The very man who forbid me to even _look_
at another, now lovingly wrapping his arms around another warm body. I
swallowed hard, my lips curling in disgust as my eyes leered at the scene. I
had been looking for an epiphany, and here it was, neatly wrapped and
delivered right to my front door. I didn't need anything more. I spun
around, leaving Harlan mentally right then and there, along with the
pathetic life that he symbolized. I knew where I was wanted, and where I
wanted to be. More importantly, I knew where I _needed_ to be.
******
I knew he wouldn't be back that night. I knew that look, that embrace,
and it wasn't one you walked away from. My head clear finally, I walked to
streets back to the shop and my dreams. Where my mind had been, since that
fateful day in the doctors office. This wasn't a coincidence, I realized it
then and I understood it now. I belonged here. My past whipped clean, I had
a new life. A new understanding.
My feet hitting the road hard and confident, I practically ran up the
steps to the door. I didn't care what the few people on the streets thought
of me, in a few short days, I would be gone, and they would be wondering
what ever happened to me.
I paused, as I gazed into the window ahead of me. With a broad grin and
smiling eyes, there was no hesitation. And it was then I made a decision
that I knew never would have even been an option but a few hours ago. My
grin turned from broad to intrigued, even a little scared, as I took a deep
breath and gazed back onto the street I hoped I wouldn't look on again until
the morning......
******
My back wrenched in shock, and I shot up. Frantically, my eyes searched
the completely unfamiliar room. My God....
In a flash, it all came back. My eyes growing wide, I laid my head back
down, sighing in relief. I closed my eyes slowly again, as I rolled over in
the large, unyielding bed. Swallowing and pursing my lips in a tight line, I
exhaled as lightly as I could, wanting nothing more than to just return to
the deep sleep I had just awaken from. I watched the few boxes that were
stacked in the corner intently, my eyes glaring them down. Few things were
askew about the room, still waiting to be stored until a later time, and I
watched in amazement as even they seemed peaceful in this room, the dawn
breaking through the small window above the four poster bed....
I sighed and smiled, a small private one. The new me, the one who did
what she felt was right, listening to her heart instead of anything else,
was the real me. No matter what anyone else thought, I was completely,
blissfully, ecstatically happy. As of this moment, I had no past....Only a
future.
"Hmm....." A confused mumble came from the behind me and I felt Darien
jolt awake. I heard him sigh as I turned around to greet him good morning
and watched a blissful, groggy smile spread across his flushed, handsome
face. His chest heaved as he sighed deeply at the sight of me and I grinned
as well, everything within me smiling as well.
He pulled his arm up and propped his head up on it, a lop sided,
pleased grin all over his face now. He gently caressed my cheek, leaning
over slightly, his rumpled, dark bangs cascading across his temples. He
dipped in lightly for a small kiss, before leaning back onto his pillow.
We didn't say much, which I felt was just as well. I wasn't sure what
to say. So I just smiled, my ridiculous, foolish smile. It was all I could
manage. I was amazed at myself, for neither being ashamed or embarrassed or
really anything. I felt....new. Not like I had before. I felt marvelous.
Just.....marvelous.
*****
I decided it was best if no one saw me that day, or rather, Darien
decided. After the tiff last night, right out in public, he wanted to
preserve what little was left of my dignity, as if that was possible. I
firmly believe that, the few people in town who I didn't know personally,
now were up to date on the goings on of my marriage. The more intelligent
ones had probably even figured out that Darien had something to do with it!
But after some protesting, Darien had fixed me breakfast and with a shout of
good-bye and a promise of lunch, he disappeared downstairs.
A little miffed at being outvoted, I somewhat sulked, before I managed
to pull myself out of bed and get dressed. Call it kismet, fate or what have
you, my feelings began to settle inside me. But, to my own great surprise,
nothing new began to rise. No remorse, regret....I guess my mind was finally
in sync with the rest of me. Amazed and rather pleased with my new
settlement, I began to rest easy.
Big mistake.
I should have realized it. I should have sensed something, anything.
After the way my life had been going the past few weeks, I should have known
better. My judgment should have been more keen, but like my usual self, I
let my mind believe that things had been calm, that everything would be
fine. And then, the bomb hit.
"Serena!" I was jolted out of my own little universe, when Darien came
bounding up the stairs, face flushed, his eyes frantic. My heart dropped
like a stone.
"Darien!" I yelled, picking myself up off the chair I had been placed
in. His face crossed over in relief for a second, but his eyes never losing
their frightened look. "Darien, what is it?" I repeated, catching his
shoulders in my hands, giving him a serious look. My heart stayed still for
those few seconds that he caught his breath, and I waited fearfully for him
continue.
"Serena, Patrice was just here." He got out, his voice weighing low and
scared. I nodded quietly, not wanting to interrupt him. My elation
forgotten, I concentrated now on making sure I didn't have a heart attack as
I awaited his reply. He sighed in resignation, his eyes getting afraid and
even a little hesitant as they gazed back at me. My heart began to throb
again as my own eyes searched his deep blue ones for an answer.
"Darien, what is it? You're going to make me go crazy." He pulled his
arms up quickly and clutched my face protectively as his eyes now bore
seriously into my head.
"Serena, Selene is sick." My breath caught in my throat and I felt my
heart's incessant beating cease once more. "Very sick.." I pulled away, not
sure what else to do. "Patrice was just here. It happened last night...No
one was home for her, Sarah was frantic." Oh God...
"Darien, I have to go.." I said numbly, my feet somehow moving me
across the floor without the aid of my mind. My eyes stared straight ahead,
both never blinking. This is where my selfishness had taken me..To my own
private hell..
*****
I didn't mutter but a shattered good-bye as I exited the book shop, my
mind wandered back to last night, while I was thinking only of myself, only
wanting revenge on my loathing husband. God, and my only daughter was..Oh
God, I deserve this..And Harlan, God only knows what he'll say when he gets
here..
My feet tripped over the steps in the front of our home, the pain
barely registering in my mind as I fumbled clumsily to get to the door. I
mumbled nothing but a gasp of horror inside my own body as I sucked in a
private sob before opening the door. Oh, what have I done?
"Sarah?..Sarah, where are you?" I called as soon as my hand had touched
the handle. Seconds later feet pounded on the wooden steps and a weary
Sarah, hair unmade, clothes in a shambles, appeared, her expression relieved
to see a familiar face.
"Miss, I'm sorry, Selene has taken extremely ill..." I brushed past
her, not even wanting to hear her. I let out an almost silent sob as my
tears started. I walked briskly up the stairs, my pace quickening. I heard
the muffled sound of Sarah following me up to my daughters room. I paused,
just before opening the door. Taking a shaky breath, my heart leaping into
my throat, I thrust the door open, feeling fully prepared for the sight that
would soon lay before me.
I was wrong.
If I hadn't known Selene was so sick, I could have convinced myself I
was looking upon a ghost. My beautiful, rambunctious daughter, was now
skinny and pale, her cheeks drained of any color. Her hair was matted to her
moist forehead and I was painfully aware of the sobs of pain and discomfort
that came from her thoroughly exhausted body. My heart caved and I had to
cover my mouth to keep the sobs in. Everything broke. I had been completely,
utterly, totally wrong. Nothing was worth this. This sight, of my one little
girl, now broken and crying, hardly alive as I had once been so sure she
was. My body grew numb and I could hardly feel the floor beneath me. This is
what I had gotten in return for my affair. The past few days, my daughter
had been wearing down, her body's endurance breaking, and all I could think
about was...The thing I had thought was worth it. Oh God, how could I have
been so wrong?
I made my way to the bedside, wanting not to wake her. I let my
forehead wrinkle in pain, my heart doing nothing to stop it's own breaking.
My own daughter..I hadn't seen this?
"Oh.." I muttered, my lips dry in shock. I swallowed hard, trying to
hold down the nausea I felt when I watched her labored breathing as her
chest heaved upwards. I couldn't stand this, my poor little girl.." Selene?
Selene can you hear me?" I reached a shaking hand up and tenderly brushed
the wet clumps of hair away from her forehead. She startled awake, her eyes
wide in fright, her breath coming quickly. Again, I scolded myself. I didn't
want to scare her..
"Mommy.." She whispered, a small smile growing on her tired face. It
fell immediately and I sobbed to myself. How could I have done this?
"Where..where were you?" I couldn't let her see my distress. I had to at
least try to be strong, for her. Even if my soul was shattering..
"It's OK, I'm here now honey.." I whispered back and she nodded
slightly, too exhausted to question it more. Why hadn't I been here? Oh GOD,
this is all my fault...
"Ms. Williams?" Sarah's voice came quietly, almost like a breeze from
the door, and I turned. She gave me an apologetic smile. "I called the
doctor miss.." I nodded, waving my hand at her, not wanting her to see me in
this condition. I deserved this, I deserved to be lying in bed, my heart
beat struggling to come, my breath not wanting to continue. It shouldn't be
her...My poor little girl, you shouldn't be put through this..
"God, please help her.." I clasped my hands together, my knuckles
turning white as I prayed, my voice rising over Selene's raspy breaths. I
cringed again, but let one hand trail down to hold her own. "Oh please..."
We held hands for seconds, maybe minutes, and it was all I could do not to
fall apart .
*****
"Ms. Williams, normally, I'd wait until your husband got here to give
you my diagnosis..." I wrung my hands anxiously, sweat almost pouring from
them. I pulled my hands through my mangled hair and gave him a pleading
look. The short, pudgy man stared back, not faltering under my determined
glare. My heart got the better of me though, and I let a tear and small cry
escape my lips and I watched his eyes soften. Oh, God, please..
"Doctor, please." I gave one last plead and he sighed, putting his
tools back in his bag, and rubbed his bald head in frustration.
"Serena, I don't know how to tell you this.." He said, and I felt every
bone in my body begin to shatter. "This is a critical time for her.." I
nodded, my mind barely able to make out the words he had just uttered. "Just
keep her comfortable, like she is now. Make sure she gets plenty of fluids,
no solids.." My palms itched I began to clench my fists in frustration. God,
I just needed to know if she would make it..
"Is she going to be OK?" I asked curtly, my patience and sanity wearing
down fast. His face was flat and he didn't say a thing. I felt my face
scrunch in pain and I could barely see anything as everything distorted...
"I can't say for sure.." He answered, and I let the words waft into my
consciousness, not bothering to grasp them. I knew what he was going to say.
I didn't want him to repeat, my heart wouldn't be able to stand it..
"Thank you.." I said wearily, turning around as I left him in the
hallway. I entered back into Selene's room, the heat hitting me hard right
then. Barely managing to struggle to the bedside, I collapsed right next to
it, my sobs breaking my mentality as the atmosphere broke my spirit. I
couldn't believe this was happening. This was my punishment, for going after
love...I was so sorry, sorry I ever met Darien, sorry I had met Harlan and
brought my one and only child into a loveless, pathetic excuse for a
marriage. But most of all, I wished I had never been born. I wished I never
felt love, from Selene, from Darien, from anyone. God, this is all it seemed
to bring me.I could die now, and never feel the loss. I covered my face with
a dirty hand, swollen from gripping my palms, blistering from the cloth I
had swabbed her forehead with. Nothing had even been enough. Her fever rose
and her comfort sank. I was running out of time and ideas, I couldn't keep
her down forever...
And where was Harlan? God, his daughter, for the second time in her
short life, was lying on her deathbed, and he was no where to be found!
Someone should have contacted him, where ever he was! It didn't matter to
me. But Selene, how must she feel? God, her father can't even come while she
's ill? I almost spit at the taste of his name, as I pulled my haggard body
off the floor and over to the water bowl, and dunked the cloth back in it. I
sighed, my back aching and my heart shouting as I cooled her down. She
murmured inaudibly at this, and I patted her back softly, shushing her back
to a restless sleep. Sighing in relief I sat back down, whipping my arms
across my forehead in agony. I felt my back pop in pain and I winced. I
looked out the tiny little window in her room to find the sun almost sunk
into the horizon. Almost 5 and he still hadn't returned, I thought
disdainfully. I don't care whether you never return Harlan Williams, but
Selene needs you! I shook my head in disgust, secretly hoping he never
returned. If he disappeared off the face of the Earth, this world would be a
much better place...
*****
"Serena? Serena?" I awoke with a start, my mind buzzing as it
registered it's surroundings. My heart sinking at the disarray around me, I
glanced back up at Selene, and watched her breath enter in her nose and
disappear into her body. My wish hadn't come true..
"Serena? Oh God, how is she?" Harlan's voice was frantic and scared,
and sounded more like a little boy than the disrespecting husband I was used
to. It struck me as funny that he respected her more than me..Not that
anything at that moment was funny..
"She's the same as she was four hours ago..Horrible, breathing is hard,
and her fever is dangerously high." I gave him the most pointed look I could
at that point. "Would you care to explain why you didn't come home?" He gave
me a hard stare and his mouth pursed.
"I don't think you have the authority to ask me that.." He spat, his
voice rising. Selene's sobs rose at this, and he immediately abandoned the
argument and grabbed her tiny little hand.
"I guess not.." I whispered, my eyes rolling back in my head. I wanted
to scream at him, I wanted to wish him nothing but the worst, tell him to
rot in hell with all the other rat bastards. All the things I had been
longing to say for so long, and yet, nothing came. I couldn't, I realized.
Selene meant too much to me, and that meant this family meant too much. I
had to take both her and Him, if I wanted a family. I didn't just want one,
I needed one. More than anything.
****
"Ms. Williams! Ms. Williams, wake up! It's Selene!" My heart jumped
into my rib cage and my eyes were open in half a second, staring right into
Sarah's. I searched her eyes, frightened for what I might find. She gazed
back at me, her eyes light with a small smile and I felt everything in me
rock. Selene..
I bolted out of the chair I had fallen asleep in, unaware of how I had
gotten downstairs, or when I had even fallen asleep. I was on my feet in no
time, and I whirled around to face Sarah who now laughed.
"Her fever's broken." Everything inside me, my heart, my soul, my mind,
sighed. All of me went light, and I wanted to just fall to the floor and
cry. The tears came then, and I didn't try to stop them, but brushed them
away as I impulsively hugged Sarah tightly, laughing happily, my voice
overflowing with relief. She let a small laugh escape too and I pulled away
seconds later and laughed, apologizing. She waved me away and I ran as fast
I could upstairs. I flung the door open, not caring whether Harlan was there
or not.
Selene was sitting upright, her body still slumped over a bit, but she
gave me a bright smile as I entered and I felt everything from the past
night leave my body. It seemed so long ago...Instead of just a few hours. I
gave a weary sigh and took a seat next to Harlan, taking her hand.
"I'm so sorry I wasn't here Selene..." She nodded numbly, not sure how
to take the apology. "I can't tell you how much it hurt to see you in such
pain." She continues nodding and I watched her smile absently.
"It's OK mommy...I still love you." My forehead creased, and I could
only muster up a mouthing of the words 'Thank you.'. I couldn't reply, but I
made a vow, my own personal one. One I had to keep. I couldn't leave, ever.
I needed her, and there was no way I would ever leave. I couldn't even
imagine considering it now. This was my family, for now and forever. With
Harlan or without, I couldn't abandon it. Not for life or death. I sobbed
inwardly, not able to even think the words, knowing what it meant....
...Not even for Darien..
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And BOOM! I hope you didn't expect me to have a fluffy, happy ending.
You know me better than that. :)
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slr_europa@yahoo.com
http://www.geocities.com/slr_europa
AIM :: SeeShelliRun (
geocities.com/slr_europa)