Twine in Line BERT-a teenage boy from a city near Bundy, Minnesota. SUE-a woman from New York City MICKEY/MINNIE-guards for the park (these can be GUARD and NORMA) GUARD-a normal looking security guard NORMA-Sue's mother, a circus performer PLANT-an audience member ACT I SCENE i (Two people are standing in a line at an average theme park. One is SUE, a middle-aged woman from New York, without an accent. One is BERT, a teenager from Minnesota with a strong accent and a hat and vest made of twine.) BERT: So, where are you from? SUE: Well, I came here from New York, but I'm originally from Michigan. BERT: I'm from Minnesota. I live near the World's Largest Twine Ball in Bundy. SUE: I thought I recognized that accent. BERT: Ever been to the twine ball? SUE: No…have you ever been to the Ford plant in Detroit? BERT: No, I only like Chevies. But I really like twine. SUE: I guessed…(points at BERT's clothes) I used to live behind the old Ford plant, in an old run down Ford. I loved that car. BERT: Oh yeah? Well…well…(desperately trying to top SUE) I used to live in a hut made of twine! SUE: But now I've moved up in life. I have a 3000 dollar one-room apartment. Why do you keep talking about twine, were you a cat in a past life or something? BERT: No, I wasn't. (defensively) And there's nothing wrong with cats. SUE: Okay… BERT: Did you see the new James Bond movie? SUE: Ooooh…Pierce Brosnan. BERT: The movie was called TWINE. Cool, huh? SUE: The movie was not called TWINE! It was called The World Is Not Enough. BERT: Exactly! T…W…I…N…E. (Exaggerating and stretching the word) Twwwiiiiiiiine. SUE: The one before (emphasizes the "correct" title) The World Is Not Enough was Goldeneye. That's my favorite movie. There's even a video game for that one. I must have played it at least a hundred times… BERT: Goldentwine? That isn't my favorite movie. My favorite movie is MouseHunt. Can you guess why? SUE: Is there twine involved? BERT: YES! It's about these guys who own a twine factory. Except they called it string. I know it was really twine though…The mouse ate a piece of twine at the end. He was really cute. I like mice too. SUE: I should have known. You keep talking about mice and twine, are you mentally deficient or something? BERT: (highly offended) SPECIESIST! You hate mice don't you? Well…(gets an idea) Well they hate you too! SUE: Okay, now you have definitely proven my point…and what's a speciesist anyway? BERT: You've heard of racists, right? Same thing, only different. (Takes deep breath) GUARDS! She hates mice! Seize her! (The MICE-MICKEY and MINNIE-poke their heads out from the curtains at either side of the stage.) MICKEY: Minnie, code red, copy. MINNIE: Roger that. In five, four, three, two, one, GO! (MICKEY and MINNIE run on stage, bludgeon SUE over the head with a piece of cheese, and drag her off stage right.) ACT I SCENE ii (Inside a dark jail cell. The walls are dark and slightly damp-looking. In front of SUE are jail bars, bound with twine. Overly bubbly and peppy cartoon music plays. SUE grimaces-it's obvious she's heard it too many times. She sits in the middle of the cell and speaks.) SUE: I can't take much more of this! Mickey Mouse is driving me insane…I'm cold, I'm wet, cartoon mice EVERYWHERE! (she pulls at her hair, and darts glances around in paranoia) Why do bad things happen to good people? The one who really belongs here is that Bert kid. The one from Minnesota, him and all of that stupid twine…(notices cell bars held together with twine) twine…Twine…TWINE! (She scratches at it futilely and sits back down) No more twine! No more mice! I hate amusement parks. I hate traveling. I'd much rather be in my apartment in New York. At least there I have cable TV. (Lights flicker randomly) Why did the lights do that? I must be going crazy. Why should I go crazy? (Laughs dangerously) I grew up in a car for goodness sake. My father was a Carnie, my mother was a circus act. They're both still touring around somewhere in the Midwest. (Stands)  But I became successful, I followed my dreams, and what do I get? A dank, dark, jail cell in Dizzyworld. (Music starts to repeat) How many times can they play that friggin music anyway?!?! (Cheers from the tiny window set high in the wall, footstep noises and more bouncy music) AAARGH! Not another parade! I can't take much more of this happiness crap! There's way too much frivolity and gaiety in here! I can't take it much longer! (She collapses and buries her head in her hands. After a few seconds, she hears footsteps) People are coming to get me! I'm saved! No more torture, YES! (GUARD appears, pushing BERT in front of him. SUE is devastated and backs into the corner of the cell.) GUARD: Now get in there and shut up! BERT: But what did I do? I was just having some fun with the twine…(GUARD slams door behind BERT. SUE runs up to the bars.) SUE: Am I free? Please say you'll let me go, please?(She looks at BERT and drops to her knees) PLEASE! (GUARD laughs evilly and walks away, leaving SUE and BERT alone.) BERT: Well, hello, speciesist. Still in here I see. Has your time in the joint changed your mind about twine? SUE: (sinking onto the ground) No, I still hate twine. And I can't believe they put you in here with me. (Lays head on knees) The world is working against me. BERT: I can't believe they put me in here period. My uncle owns this place. I should be on the outside, frolicking in the sunlight. (BERT demonstrates frolicking.) SUE: (anger building) My hair…is a mess. My tan is fading. And you…you're in here just to drive me insane (stands up and grabs his lapels) Aren't you? BERT: Now why would you say that? (SUE releases him and retreats to the corner, scratching her palms.) I'm just trying to open up your eyes to the great miracle of twine. You know there are over 150 kinds of knots you can tie? I know all of them. Wanna see? (He removes his hat.) I can unravel my hat and show you. SUE: (defeated) Well…it can't be any worse than this insane cartoon music over and over again. If I doze off, don't wake me up. (under her breath) keeps you out of my hair for a while at least. (GUARD walks by, making sure the prisoners are secured. After he leaves, BERT speaks) BERT: Please, watch me for a little while. I don't like the dark. It scares me. (He sits next to SUE, who starts moving away from him. She keeps moving, and he follows her, scooting on the floor all the way around the cell.) Twine is my only comfort, and the company of mice of course. Right fella? SUE: Fella? BERT: There. That mouse right there. (points to a mouse, only visible to them. SUE is frozen.) Will you watch me? SUE: Yeah…for a little while, I guess. (Her eyes remain fixed on the mouse.) Tell me what kind of knot you're starting out with. I have an idea. BERT: An idea? For what? I don't want to get in trouble. I can't get in more trouble than I'm already in. My uncle would kill me. Even worse (he clutches his hat tightly) he'd…he'd take away my twine! Well, big brother's trying to already… SUE: (still watching the mouse)Your big brother is trying to take away your twine? Why? BERT: Sssshhh…keep your voice down. You know what I'm talking about, big brother. SUE: (she looks at BERT) The government? BERT: Sssshhh! SUE: Why would the government want your twine? BERT: I have the most twine in the world. The government wants it for the big plan. You know, Operation Twine? SUE: (shakes her head) You have got to be kidding me. You need to see someone kid. Really, I've never heard of anyone with your particular complex before.  (SUE hears the mouse skitter away and starts looking for it, frozen again.) BERT: (tying a large and complex knot) Isn't this great? I love knots, I love my twine. You should see my bed at home….(puts down the knot and gazes into the distance) ah, home. My twine sheets, twine blankets. That's the life, nothing more comfortable than twine. SUE: Personally, I find twine…itchy.  BERT: You get used to the itching. Actually, you don't. Hold on a minute. (BERT writhes, apparently itching his body from close contact with the twine.) Do you want to know why I like twine? It's not a long story. SUE: (trying to forget the mouse) Sure, why not? At least I won't be able to hear the music… BERT: Are you sure you want to know? SUE: Yes. BERT: Are you positive? SUE: Yes. Are you going to tell me, or what? BERT: Are you absolutely sure? SUE: YES! BERT: (takes breath to tell her, then looks at her differently and pauses.) Are you sure you're sure? SUE: Bert- (she grabs his lapels) Tell me before I unravel your vest. (Releases BERT and scratches her palms) BERT: Okay. If you're sure. SUE: Positive. BERT: Okay. Absolutely positive? SUE: TELL ME FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING SANE! (BERT leans over and whispers in her ear) SUE: (while BERT whispers) Uh huh…yeah…really? I didn't know…Ick! (BERT finishes and leans back) With twine? How is that even possible? (SUE is disgusted.) I've heard of that being done before, but never with twine…(she shudders. Footsteps sound) GUARD: Susan Bates! Susan Bates! You're free to go. (He sniggers.) Your mommy is here. (Takes Susan and walks her offstage.) SUE: My mom? I haven't talked to her in ages. I wonder how she knew I was in here… BERT: (still in the cell) You'll thank me later. (Blackout) ACT I SCENE iii (NORMA is seated at an interrogation table, waiting impatiently for SUE. Her long nails tap on the table in an irregular beat as she waits. She hears footsteps and stands up, beginning to pace. The door slowly opens and creaks loudly.) GUARD: Here she is miss. Have a nice day…Miz Bates. Norma.(shoves SUE in) See ya. (Slams door) NORMA: Susan, Darling! I've missed you! SUE: (mumbles) Can't say I feel the same way. Why'd you come? NORMA: I got a call at the circus dear. Right in the middle of my act. The cell phone spooked the horses. Luckily, they only got as far as the concessions before some kids grabbed them. SUE: I didn't call you. NORMA: Oh, I know you didn't dear! It was your young man. Such a charmer he was too…offered me a free tour of his hometown…what was it again? SUE: My young man? What are you talking about? NORMA: That nice young man you had call me. SUE: But the only one who knew I was in there was…oh no… NORMA: Congratulations, darling! And here I thought you'd never settle down. SUE: Mother, it's not like that at all. He's not dating me. NORMA: Oh, did you two have a fight? SUE: We never dated, Mother. I just met him. Thankfully. NORMA: Oh…so you're not getting married? SUE: Married?!?! To BERT? And you wonder why I never call. NORMA: Oh…well, that's all right, darling. I still love you, whatever lifestyle you choose. SUE: Thanks, Mom…So how's Daddy? NORMA: I wouldn't know. You know carnies, always traveling around, never leaving an address… SUE: Well…can we leave here? It's kind of cold. (SUE shivers.) NORMA: Right…GUARD! (GUARD enters) We're leaving, and thanks for all your help. GUARD: Right. Come along. (turns his head back behind him) You too. SUE: Who's that…no. No. It can't be. Mother, you didn't. NORMA: Well, I thought he was your… BERT: Hello, speciesist. (SUE runs out the door, pursued by NORMA) NORMA: Darling, wait! (GUARD follows NORMA) GUARD: Come back, miss Norma!  (BERT follows GUARD) BERT: Come on, Ogilvie. (BERT beckons the mouse to him, picks it up, and walks after the crowd.) ACT I SCENE iv (SUE is alone on stage, in a bed with white sheets and blankets. She wakes up.) SUE: Oh, it was only a dream. Good. (SUE relaxes into the bed, then sits up rapidly) Wait a minute. This isn't my bed…where am I? (NURSE enters. NURSE is the actress who plays NORMA) NURSE: Hello dear. Good to see you awake. SUE: Mother? NURSE: No dear, I'm your nurse. Nurse Norma, at your service. Do you need anything? SUE: Where am I? NURSE: In the hospital, of course. You had a pretty nasty fall. SUE: Fall? NURSE: In line at DizzyWorld. They said you were talking to a boy in line, then you fell and hit your head on the bars. SUE: (Remembers the guards and sits up indignantly) That was no fall. The guards- NURSE: (hushes SUE and leans closer) If you keep talking like that, the doctors will hear you, and you'll never get out of here. (stands up and turns to go) SUE: Here? What kind of place is this? NORMA: It's a-(She is interupted by the door opening. In walks BERT, in a doctor's uniform.) BERT: All right Nurse, you can go now. NORMA: right, Doctor. (NORMA leaves) BERT: Hello- SUE: YOU! BERT: Me? SUE: What are you doing here? BERT: I'm your doctor. (As he says his name, he unfolds his nametag out to the side so SUE can read his very long name.) Doctor Watterson-Inglebert-Norfred-Eglestein the Second. SUE: Doctor what? BERT: (Points at each individual name) Doctor Watterson-Inglebert-Norfred-Eglestein the Second. But you can call me Tom. SUE: But…but your name is Bert. BERT: No, it's Doctor ThomasWatterson-Inglebert-Norfred-Eglestein the Second. SUE: Are you sure? You look just like him. BERT: Here, read my nametag. Doctor Thomas Watterson-Inglebert-Norfred-Egglestein the Second. (The nametag has the first initial of each name printed very largely, so SUE can't help but see it. She screeches and scoots back.) SUE: Bert, I know it's you, stop clowning around and get out of my room! BERT: It's not Bert, it's Doctor Thomas Watterson-Inglebert-Norfred-Egglestein the Second. Who is this Bert fellow anyway? SUE: It is you, Bert. Look. You tried to fool me, it didn't work, go away. I could have you arrested for trespassing. BERT: In my own hospital? Highly unlikely. SUE: Bert, give it up. I can tell by your nametag. BERT: Madam, it says that my name is Doctor Thomas Watterson-Inglebert-Norfred- Egglestein the Second. Which it is. SUE: Yeah. Then why do the initials spell TWINE???? BERT: They do not! SUE: Do so! T…W…I…N…E. Twwwwiiiiiiiine. BERT: Ah, I suppose they do. Doctor Twine…I've heard of baling twine, but this is ridiculous. SUE: Yes it is! (Lights go out and back up rapidly. SUE is alone on stage, asleep in the bed, when the lights go up. The blanket is now in the style of the seventies.) SUE:  Oh, it was only a dream. Good. (She notices the bedspread.) What the-!? (BERT walks in, sporting a very large afro and a black cloak/dress/robe thing. He' s barefoot and not all there at the moment.) BERT: Peace, man. SUE: Um…Doctor Watterson-Inglebert-Norfred-Eglestein the Second? BERT: Who? SUE: Bert? BERT: Bert? No, man, I'm Yak Hair. SUE: Yak Hair??? BERT: All the good names were taken, man. SUE: Okay…Where am I…um…Yak Fur? BERT: Yak Hair. SUE: Right. That's what I said. BERT: You're in the Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society. (slaps forehead) Sorry man. You're really in…(takes a big breath and says the whole name very quickly) The Commune Of The Healthy Earth Happy Smiling Animals Blue Sky Happy Smiling Birds Clear Water Happy Smiling Whales Green Forest War Is Dangerous To Children And Other Living Things Peace Love And Harmony With Nature Happy Little Trees And All Psychedelic Grooves And Mind Expansion Devotees Chapter 27. SUE: The what?? BERT: The…aw, man, I forgot. Hold on. (whips an extremely long piece of paper out of his smock and rattles off the name even faster than before.) SUE: Okay…so um, Buffalo Hide, why am I here? BERT: Yak Hair. My name is Yak Hair. SUE: That's what I said. BERT: No, you called me…uh…I forgot. SUE: That doesn't surprise me. BERT: So, you want to get up now? SUE: No. BERT: Okay, but your mom wants you to. SUE: My mom? BERT: Yeah. (Turns and yells off stage) HEY WEASEL EARS! (NORMA enters in very elaborate seventies getup) NORMA: You called, Yak Hair? BERT: She's awake, Weasel Ears. NORMA: (runs to SUE) Oh, I'm so happy you finally woke up, Whale Fluke. SUE: Whale Fluke? What kind of name is Whale Fluke?  What's a fluke anyway? NORMA: It's the tail…the very end of the tail, I think. SUE: Okay…Whale Fluke? NORMA: I was so worried about you. So was your father. Right, Yakkie? BERT: Yeah, man. What a trip. SUE: What? What do you mean? BERT: It's true.(a la Star Wars) Fluke…I am your father… SUE: NOOOOOOO!!! (Blackout. Lights up on SUE still in bed. This time, her blanket is made of woven twine. As she picks it up and realizes what it's made of, BERT walks in in a bathrobe.) SUE: Twine sheets…twine blankets…YOU! BERT: Good morning, sweetheart. Did you get enough sleep? We were up pretty late last night…(he leers suggestively and winks.) SUE: NOOOOOO! (Yet another rapid scene change. The bed is now white.) SUE: White? My bed is pink. (MICKEY and MINNIE enter, in their black suits and looking ominous) MICKEY: Good morning, Ms. Bates. SUE: Good morning, I guess. MINNIE: Do you know where you are? SUE: No…should I? MICKEY and MINNIE: NO. SUE: Okay… MICKEY: We're here to discuss the incident with the twine boy. MINNIE: You see, we've been watching him for quite a while, undercover. SUE: (quietly) So he was right… MICKEY: What was that? SUE: Nothing. MINNIE: We heard him talking to you. MICKEY: Telling you things. MINNIE: Things about twine. MICKEY: Twine that we need. MINNIE: Twine that we must have for the Project. SUE: Project? MICKEY: She knows. MINNIE: She does? MICKEY: She does. MINNIE: She knows? MICKEY: She knows. MINNIE: You do? SUE: I don't. MINNIE: She doesn't. MICKEY: She does. SUE: I don't. I promise, I don't. MINNIE: She promises. MICKEY: She doesn't. MINNIE: She doesn't know? MICKEY: No, she knows. She knows what he knows, but now she knows that we know that she knows what he knows. MINNIE: Does (nods up) "It" know? MICKEY: "It" is watching, so presumably "It" does. MINNIE: So "It" knows that we know that she knows what he knows, but if "It" knows that we know that she knows that he knows, then why hasn't "It" done anything? MICKEY: "It" will, as soon as "It" knows everything she knows that he knows. (Turns to SUSAN) What do you know? SUSAN: Nothing. MINNIE: We know you know. SUSAN: If you know that I know, because he was talking to me and he knows, and (Nods up) "It" knows that you know that I know something because he knows, and you know what I know, then presumably you don't need me, so you can go now. MINNIE and MICKEY: (Look at each other, confused) Uh…okay. (They exit.) (Another rapid scene change. SUE wakes to find the bed covered in flannel.) SUE: Flannel? But my bed is pink! (Enter BERT. He is dressed in a ruffled pink dress, complete with Mary Janes and a pair of knee socks. He affects a low bass voice.) BERT: Hellooooo. SUE: Hi…Bert. BERT: Bert? No, you can call me Paula. (giggles girlishly) SUE: Um, right…Paula. So, um, what's up? BERT: What isn't up? SUE: Um… BERT: So what do you wanna do? SUE: Do? BERT: Yeah…until everyone gets here. SUE: Everyone? BERT: Yeah. For your surpri-um, nothing. Never mind. I didn't say anything. SUE: You said "Surpri-". BERT: No, I didn't! SUE: You did! Go on then, surprise me. BERT: Okay…(NORMA enters with an oldfashioned dress on.) SUE: Mom? NORMA: Who? SUE: You. Norma. Norma Bates…remember? (Sound of "Psycho Chord" ) NORMA: No, I'm Kitty Fluffnstuff. (Searches for her next line.) This room needs more purple. Hang on. (She starts ripping panels off her dress, draping them on the bed.) Thatwill do. SUE: Is that the best you can do? NORMA: Um… SUE: (obviously helping NORMA with her lines) The next… NORMA: What? SUE: The next…the next thing to do is… NORMA: Right, got it. Thanks. (turns to audience) The next thing to do is to…um… SUE: Never mind. I'll just do it myself. (screams) NOOOOOO! (Another scene change-SUE's room. Her real one this time, wih a pink blanket.) SUE: Oh, I'm here again. Well, those were some weird dreams… (Knock on the door. In walks NORMA) NORMA: Sue, darling! I have good news! SUE: Okay…what is it? NORMA: Come on in. (BERT enters.) BERT: Hi, speciesist. SUE: Hi, Doctor Tom Watterson-Inglebert-Norfred-Eglestein the Second. BERT: What? SUE: Yak Hair? BERT: No. This is twine. (gestures to his vest) SUE: Paula? BERT: I'm Bert. Remember me? SUE: How could I not? BERT: I brought you a get-well present. (tosses her a ball of twine) SUE: Thanks…(she stuffs it under the bed) So what's the good news? BERT: Well…(stands next to NORMA and takes her hand) NORMA: You see dear… SUE: NOOOOO! (SUE waits for lights to black out.) Nooo? (gestures for lights.) NO! (stage whispers) Hey light booth….light cue, remember? Shut off the lights! (she waits for five seconds then screams) BOOTH! LIGHTS!(Blackout) (Same scene on lights up, SUE is alone again) SUE: Am I really awake? (Gets up and walks around. For the first time, we can see what she's wearing. She is wearing a really odd nightgown-think Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies. BERT enters, carrying a dead skunk by the tail in one hand, and an old rifle in the other) BERT: Hey there, lil lady! (SUE opens her mouth to speak. As she does, an audience member stands up and screams-) PLANT: I can't take it anymore! This is too pointless! I gotta get out of here! (PLANT screams and runs out of the auditorium up the stairs.) SUE: Um…where were we? BERT: I don't know. Hold on, I'll get the script. (BERT disappears off left, returning pushing a cart with a HUGE book on it. He opens it to the middle and flips backward to the front.) BERT: Here we are. Page five. Your line-"That's quite a nice polecat you have there." SUE: Right. That's quite a nice polecat-wait a minute. That's not my line. BERT: Yeah it is. SUE: No it isn't! BERT: Yes it is! SUE: NO, that's one of your lines! BERT: Ah, so it is… SUE: So what's my line? BERT: You read it! (He shoves the cart at her, knocking her back onto the bed. Lights go out) ACT I SCENE v (During the blackout, MICKEY and MINNIE unobtrusively move towards the exits of the theatre and stand near them, looking around much like bouncers at a nightclub.) (SUE is standing in line, asleep on the bar. She wakes up, and startled, looks around, bumping into BERT.) SUE: I'm sorry. BERT: That's okay. I don't mind. SUE: Okay. BERT: So, where are you from? SUE: Well, I came here from New York, but I'm originally from Michigan. BERT: I'm from Minnesota. I live near the World's Largest Twine Ball in Bundy. SUE: I thought I recognized that accent. BERT: Ever been to the twine ball? SUE: No…have you ever been to the Ford plant in Detroit? BERT: No, I only like Chevies. But I really like twine. SUE: I guessed…(points at BERT's clothes) I used to live behind the old Ford plant, in an old run down Ford. I loved that car. BERT: Oh yeah? Well…well…(desperately trying to top SUE) I used to live in a hut made of twine! SUE: But now I've moved up in life. I have a 3000 dollar one-room apartment. Why do you keep talking about twine, were you a cat in a past life or something? BERT: No, I wasn't. (defensively) And there's nothing wrong with cats. SUE: Okay… BERT: Did you see the new James Bond movie? SUE: Ooooh…Pierce Brosnan. BERT: The movie was called TWINE. Cool, huh? (Lights slowly start to fade out) SUE: The movie was not called TWINE! It was called The World Is Not Enough. BERT: Exactly! T…W…I…N…E. (Exaggerating and stretching the word) Twwwiiiiiiiine. (Lights completely out.) ACT I SCENE vi (SUE has snuck into the audience. She is asleep on the arm of the chair. Spotlight on her) SUE: (Waking up) Mommy, I don't wanna go to precalculus…(Startled) What? What, is the play over? What did I miss? (Blackout) END