Yes, I grew up, terribly shy, like I don't know; I don't want to stop saying it. There come strong and powerful emotions every time I just think the word “shy”, and now you can try and imagine how I've been sitting here and writing this.

Hopefully you all wont become fearful, but since it's you and no one else reading this, right now, you can, if you want to, stop right now and just ignore this text. It's up to you and no one else.

It's so tempting to make an image of what other people walk around and think for themselves. One can't know, I don't have better knowledge on how to explain it, because it's decidedly fact. Even if you did a fMRI and scanned accurately what happened in the brain, even that would've said very little what other people think, we simply don't have that knowledge or technology to know what other people think. Only oneself has a clear picture of what happens inside ones own head.

I had a big hobby, were I tried to craft explanations on how people behaved, and why they behaved the way they did, and then I tried, somehow, to test my hypothesis on people – it was mostly a search for the right circumstances to test my hypothesizes.

I for example noticed that if people were angry about something, their voice became louder and they spoke with a deeper tone. Then I discovered if something had happened (which I previously had discovered was bad somehow (for example a cup broke, some got sad, others angry)), and how they behaved. But I had a very hard time to say specifically what it was that made people angry, or when they got sad. And frankly, I never uncovered that. But I guess that it had to do with if some person affected another person somehow, which made them sad. On the other hand, I discovered that if someone was exposed to what was done to the person, then that person affected got angry by the actions of this second person. So, I just thought for myself “OK, what strange machines”. I might have been half autist, I don't know, since autists don't see people, they only see animated objects or like how I called it to myself; machines.

I really walked around, as a hobby, when I wasn't to busy hiding from my emotions, and analyzed other people on a completely decidedly mechanistic way. I thought that was interesting enough for my reason.

I heard that other people said they feared death, I didn't understand that at all, and couldn't really imagine it, to die. When I heard someone had died, the only think I really thought was: “now you wont see that one again” and didn't think much more of it. But every time I heard about death and dying, then I was more interested in what happened with the body. Person? What's that? I only see a mouth move and sound coming out of the mouth. Person? Get out of here.

When I read about the human brain in psychology, I still only saw sum mechanistic functions of the brain itself. Hypothalamus does this, that gland does that, that area compiles planning, this area of the brain processes signals from the eyes, and so on.



I actually didn't understand the whole a human being completely, and I understood myself neither as a human being. I was just another machine that was doing investigation, through functions of the brain that were part of this machine, of other machines. That's how I view it now, as I try to remember what I walked around and thought to myself. When I think about it emotionally now, then this seems as a very cold and cynical view of reality.

But, it was knowledge. Knowledge about reality. You understand? I can now walk and feel, and I do so, that this was a very cold, yes, sad I think, perception of [i]people[/i]. To walk around and think everyone are machines and then now watch them with fully charged emotions. It's incredible. It also makes me extremely curious about what humans walk around and feel, which emotions, but I never want to force myself over anyone. Ask, if it's OK that I ask, because I know that people will perceive that I know think of them; and I do so in a grand scale. I feel on me a vast love to all human beings I meet, and it saddens me to see, what I perceive as, that they have it bad, but I can't stop to look away; that's why I let my emotions flow over me. Everything seems brighter, smells better, tastes better, everything seems like it means something. And I think that it does, it means what meaning we give it.

Does that mean I walk around in euphoria the whole time? No, absolutely not. I experience grief and sadness just as much as everyone else, just without those clothes we dress up our emotions; I run around naked. Do I become cold when it rains, I promise you that I do, absofuckinglutly cold. But when I'm cold, then I accept that I'm cold, and hope for warmth. And when the Sun shines up and down, then I feel the Sunbeams all over me. There I think one'll get a tad warm in the good weather, don't you think? You could, if you wanted, and take some of that clothing of so you could enjoy the good weather more.

Happy tears are something indescribable without any emotional inhibitions, where you just let your happiness flow over you and you don't give a damn about what you think how you're supposed to behave.

I've often heard the expression “to be oneself”. It's exactly what it means, but I think people have misunderstood the meaning of being oneself. I think that it means that the thoughts one thinks one's supposed to have, and the way one think one's supposed to behave are as far removed from being oneself as one can possible be. If you want to think about it, and my specific opinion is that one thinks that one shall think in one or another certain way, or shall behave in one or another certain way, then I think ones forcing changes in oneself which one in reality doesn't want to do. When I think about what I would've felt, that I'm standing there and submitting myself and groveling myself and demaining myself after what I think I'm supposed to look like and behave like.

With these thoughts I feel on me and on my body that there's something amiss with me, that there's wrong with me. This disposition feels absolutely terrible, and I feel worthless emotionally. And quite visibly, even though I'm sitting by myself and writing, I'm performing some deep huffs and puffs.

But then I lighten, when I suddenly let go of this disposition, and I feel on me that I want to take a deep breath, because I just felt I that there was a deep breath on its way. I just did it and didn't think much over it.



What I think is so special with me, is that I've actually only lived for a week, but analyzed machines for 26 long years – I'm almost 100% conscious about what emotions I experience, and I use this knowledge I've gained through 26 years to make some thoughts about this and, yeah, try and make the same circumstances as a machine would've seen with these sensory perceptions and behave like this. When I think about it then I sit and laugh to myself, it almost feels like I'm using my reason to control my emotions.

But here's a good, but not a personal example about what I mean with the above, and of course, hopingly always, you can stop any time you want and do exactly what you want, I'm not gonna try and stop you: When you've chosen to watch a movie, what was it that made you want to watch exactly that movie you choose? In that movie were a bunch of emotions and probably a touching story that one enjoyed emotionally, right?



Here's where the dog is buried and where my unique insight become apparent: What you really did, viewed from the perspective of a machine was that a machine moved the body after being at a place where another machine took some paper out of a pocket on a jacket this machine is equipped with and give it to another machine which is localized behind a wooden structure and that macine moves the body 180 degrees and moved the extension up after a small 135mm wide, 192mm long and 15mm think box and moved the extension back to the body and turned 180 degrees around with this box and moved the extension to the previous machine. The machine moved the body to a building and pushed a switch which initalized electricity to another machine which has the function to decode the content of the box. Yet another machine with special radiation function which is coupled with the box-containment-decoder. On the radiation-function machine come some letters forward which the machine that moved the body reads:  Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

I have the presupposition that people are not conscious about what they're doing that affects their emotions. Humans, I think I know now, are consciously aware and they know very well what they walk around and what they're doing (now I'm driving a car, now I'm eating food, now I'm doing this, now I'm doing that) and what plans they have, but they're not at all aware what effect it has on their emotions, they just do it, and the emotions come uninvited. That's how I view it anyways.

I was terribly aware about what I did, because I didn't want anything I did should any emotion at all, and I remembered well, all to well and importantly what action triggered what emotion with it, because it meant I wouldn't do it again and I would also investigate clearly what it was for an action that stirred something in me, and just the investigation itself transferred a great meaning over on it. Now this behavior is upside down. And I feel I wish to experience every emotion I can get my hold on and which means something to me. There are incredibly many things, humans fill a great part of what means something to me. I wonder greatly what people think about. Do you understand?

If you want, then I think you could try and look for and try and find, to investigate, what meaning it has what you do on a daily basis but usually don't think about. Just so you feel on yourself what is happening, what it means.

It might sound a tad strange, but just that to walk outside and look at cars feels nice for me.

I just have the impression of myself, I don't know what else to offer, that I have let go of all my expectations to life and simply think about what I want, and not what other people walk around and think about me. If they don't like it, well, then they don't like it, it's not something I can do something with just like that, and I will never push myself over other people other than give them a helping hand. I wished that actually a lot, I feel that I have a lot to offer, I hope that this doesn't sound crazy, I want so deeply to ask for the possibility to explictly explain what I feel and make myself some thoughts to why I feel the way I do. But it's just something I can find about myself on my own from the wish to share myself and that to just learn emotionally about myself and who I'm sharing it with, and then we can share this talk together as one. I get a great and warm emotion of togetherness just thinking about sharing some emotion with someone else and we both really want it and not one or the other feel forced to excavate stuff from the cellar, it's a dream. Your call.