Huff.

... what a ride. Sitting now very tired and trying to weigh a couple of words, so it comes out clearcut.

I read the entry before this one and started to feel a terrible shame, but I didn't become blood red in my head because of that. I tried to remember the emotions I had while I wrote, while I just let the shame do its part.

Such strange emotions. Shame feels like a pressure release valve on emotions – when the emotions make a too powerful impression then the shame comes and releases some of the pressure. Then you get a somewhat stable emotion that one can feel relaxed with. That's how shame feels for me.

I don't know what people think about shame, and actually I have no desire to know. Why I feel like this I don't know exactly, though I've made some presuppositions about why it feels this way.

When I think back on what's happened all this past week, since I've been on the Personal Improvement course, then I don't get any perspective that I did anything wrong, even though I now feel a shame in me.

I want to try illustrate the shame more clearly without emotions have a too strong an impact. It's a balance I feel on me, that I somehow indirectly can influence my emotions by standing and turning up and down for the valve.

I feel on me that I don't want to really say how it went, when I met other people again which had met me. But the thing in common is that they seemed reassured – then one got the desire to turn up for the valve again, but something in the shame did that I halted and then went and re-thought the situation before I took a decision. I simply thought before I acted.

I don't think that shame necessarily is bad in anyway, just a part which came after things went too fast, but I didn't realize this before I noticed that my behavior had a decidedly negative effect. I simply didn't see how my behavior and actions or whatever you want to call it, whipped up a frenzy, I simply was too happy. It took a short moment and then I just started feeling shame and I wanted to display this to people who I thought went hyper, and I just walked around, sounds weird now, to show that I felt ashamed – it's probably also an emotion one wants to show for some or other biological reason.

In the moment I showed this, the settled down. We're just put this way together.



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I don't know if I'll make any more entries, it depends if I want to stand up and spill out my emotions for people – but I can be completely honest and say that I don't know what to think about all this. I think that this last part nothing has to do with shyness.