Now I sit and reflect about what emotions I've experienced trying to recall them, so I can re-expereience the emotions again to try and describe them as I recall them.

Just this to try and reflect, I feel on me that it's an attempt, a search, a practice in my own self-control. That's how it feels. Actually I've lent Føroysk Samheitaorðabók by Henning Thomsen from my father. Then he said something funny: I did not receive the book. “Oh really?”, I asked. “Well, can I lend the book? I'll come back with it” “Yes, you can do that” he answered.

Oh well, a small sidetrack, back to self-control

Yesterday, I had discovered how I somehow could consciously control my own emotions. And I did so all day, I sat by myself and twisted and turned.

I must strongly advise and I mean this seriously, that you must not stop reading now, if you've read this far, and then attempt by yourself to find what sort of excercises you can make to force a change within your psychological condition, because if you stop to read now and start looking for these bodily excercises instead (AND FIND THEM), then you're gonna lose touch with yourself and become decidedly insane!

I sat completely concentrated and had found out by doing certain bodily excercises how I, by doing these excercises, altered my emotional and mental state on purpose.

As I kept on and on forcing these practices through, then everything I experienced and saw, slowly, somehow changed and I felt on me how I slowly changed and became different. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought I knew, and I thought to myself: “What's happening? Is something changed in the world? What happens? ... something is wrong.” That's what I thought, meanwhile I was doing these excercises.

But then, suddenly, I pushed my emotions aside, because I saw in my mother that she was worried, that she thought about me and that there was something wrong with Salomon. With my reason, I wanted to try something, experiment, look within myself. And I wanted so passionately a feed-back from her.

There was a doubt in me, a doubt my mother gave me, which I can only tell people to hold onto, because I think ones own self-doubt is a gauge we all have (if your brain functions proberly, there could be something wrong there) which tells us how we feel about ourselves. And through doubt, we can set in motion a change within ourselves, I think so.

I held onto this doubt and wanted to make an attempt, a experiment, to check how I experienced the world really was reflected within the world.

I had contact lenses in my eyes and I had a somewhat regular vision and searched if my focus was correct. With my doubt in my chest and fear in my emotions I went after my glasses, because I knew through my reason, my knowledge about how lenses work, that if looked through my glasses while I was wearing my contact lenses, then my focus would become completely wrong. I simply reasoned, with the knowledge I have about lenses and how eyes are constructed, that if I looked through contact lenses + my glasses = wrong focus.

The experiment started: As I looked into the mirror and stood about 2 meters from the mirror and looked at myself with my right hand at my side, with my glasses in my right hand. I made a sudden motion with my right hand to set my glasses on, and as I did this sudden movement I got a sting of terror from my emotions. The result of the experiment was that I saw exactly the same with my glasses as without, even though I knew damn well that I already had contact lenses in both my eyes. Conclusion: I'm insane!

With this knowledge in my chest I did a massive self-diagnosis and searched every nook and cranny, to look for what was wrong.

I don't feel like saying what I looked for, there's so much, but I will say what it was: It was simply that I forced a change in my emotions. But I didn't find this on my own, that's for sure. It was my mother that, with her emotions saw that there was something wrong with me. That made me so happy about my mom, that my eyes filled with water, and I didn't hold back, and I just let the tears run out.

After I had wept this out of me, then I must admit that I felt healthy again, just that I showed my emotions uncensored for myself and my mother, about that I forced a change in my mental state.

Now I know that I forced certain emotions forward. Now I've learned my lesson.

I've called this entry “self-control”, because it's exactly having an emotion that one really tries to put into action what one really wants to accomplish, but not try and force oneself into putting something into action. In my case it was forcing a different state of mind, apart from the one which was really in me.