I had this image of a pendulum which gave a swing on it every time I went through an experience that had an emotional impact on my mental state.

I didn't matter what exactly it was. - It could be a sound, something I saw, but definitely something sudden; something that surprised me. Right after I had changed, I just swallowed it whole. Let it wash over me uncensored.

Now, I've automatically, I think, built up a resistance to new impressions, and it becomes harder to ... get a full feel of the world. It kind of saddens me, but this is something I have to learn – that there is unimaginable pain in the world, and you cannot let it wash over you uncensored; you'll suffocate. It saddens me deeply and cuts into my soul. All this pain, all this suffering. It saddens me deeply ... and I grow tougher. Harder. Colder. And, I see death.

But I do not want to solidify. I want to stay in a sort of bland liquid form; a nectar that is both solid and viscous but with the surface capable of receiving new ideas. New thoughts and new emotions. I just have to learn to stand my guard, be concise. Watchful. I have these ... tools, I like to call them. They enable me to better understand the world. I do not want to name them by name, that is to defeat my purpose with this blog.

What else is there?

One entry at a time, one thought at a time. The other thing, that I do not name, is against my nature. I'm of the heartfelt conviction that everyone, me included, has an innate connection to an animal self. That we're not just a hum-drumb of memories, reasoning skills and cultural tools, but that we, through our memories, are so much more; that we posses so much more potential. And I think everyone has this innate potential, right now.

It's only a question of ripping down the curtains, and let the sunshine in every corner and light up the fucking room! Do you understand?

I hope not ...

It's a process. Call it indoctrination. Call it a vision. Call it brainwashing. It's something deep within me that is forcing its way to the surface that I wish to share with the entire fucking planet!

It's knowledge. It's science. It's art. It's emotions. It's like trying to hug a blue whale, knowing how ridiculous the proportions are. It's this thing, or whatever you want to call it, this ... abstract thing, that I want to share. I'm of the heartbroken opinion that I have this desire, that it is a part of me, that it is a reflection of who I am. I think we all have these emotions deep down inside in each and every one of us. Something that wants to grow, but for reasons unknown to us, we are unconsciously stopping the flow. That is what I want to say. But there is always more to say.

I'm not the sum of my parts, I am my parts. I am my whole fricken body and I want to express myself in a language untold by billions, but felt by a few handful.

Yet.

It is all in my head. It's something that only I experience, and that's where the diamond shines.

But.

The raven is on the prowl. Ignorance makes us into our own worst enemies and we feel ashamed. It's such a tricky thing, shame. It's our synchronicity, it's our way to say what we feel in coordinance with each other. It's a two-way street.

Either we love each other, or we simply don't. That's the only real volition we have, that's our Free Will. To love, or, to hate. I feel so ridiculous saying it, because I'm a bland of both, but everyone has something they love, and everyone has something they hate; that is murky clear to me.

Just the word fuck contains an amalgam of all these experiences. Only thing that separate its usage is its context in which it is used, but it comes off as a lonely word, with no buddies, lol.

The English language is so rich with these words, and their usage goes unnoticed; we don't have clear emotions attached to each word, but they really are there, just use them with emotion and you'll see how they're structured. Trust me, I think I know; the animal inside me shows me these things and the pendulum swings at full force.