Now that I reflect back to my life before I "came out" from my shyness, naked and proud to the world, I didn't think "I'm having a bad life". I simply didn't, the way I remember it.



From day to day, I didn't at all think that "I'm shy". I only felt that way when I was at social gatherings; but I didn't know it, because I pushed all those emotions away. Exactly what it was, I'm not so sure, but I think it has a lot to do with daring oneself to get in touch with ones emotions. Then I mean to risk rejection, to have the courage to experience rejection. "Do you want to dance?", and the reply was a shake with the head, It was terrible for me to imagine and every time I reprocessed that line of thought, it just became worse every time in an vicious circle. Or ask a friend if he wanted to do some fun stuff together with me, and the friend might have something else to do, or not have the time, or whatever it might be, that made me feel rejected.



Because of that, I didn't ask at all, but I only played that tape over and over again in my brain, until, I didn't want to think about it anymore and just pushed the emotion of the possibility of rejection away. And then I was stuck, in a vicious circle, where I didn't do anything with it and just tried to focus on other things. For me it became computers in the excessive, and it really was escaping every emotion of rejection.



I don't want people to misinterpret this point and go and think that computers are the root to all evil. It's not what one's using a computer for, it's how one's using a computer. If you're using a computer for entertainment, and then go out and hang out with friends and family and you feel on yourself that you're having a good time with friends and family, then I think it's a completely regular computer use.



On the other hand, if you feel that you can only feel at home in a computer game and not get in emotional touch with others through the Internet, then I think there's some unknown problem that makes you hide yourself inside a fantasy world. Now I look back, the way I look at it, my cause was shyness.



I went around and thought that my emotions were worthless, and I also felt myself emotionally worthless. Someone could come to me, family in most cases, look at me and say with a cautious voice: "How are you?", and my answers were either a monotone, low and emotionless "fine", or if I was annoyed on a particular day then I made some stuff up and said with played emotions, just so that they would shut up and leave me alone.



Sunday dinner at my parents. The connection, or the lack of the same, with friends. Just that to go outside where I live was a threatening thought. Incredibly difficult just to go and buy groceries, it felt like going into fox holes and keep a helmet on the head and running through these ditches with my head low where every word spoken around was a howling grenade in my direction "... yes, and then he said... " hhhhhuuuur, "... did you hear?..." KABOOM! Every conversation was a potentional bomb which could uncover me and make me fully visible.



I think this paranoia, almost stalker madness while I fared outside my safe environment is a strong symptom on shyness, but this is something I experienced and my penceled-down opinion. It might well be that I'm completely wrong - the funny thing in this, I don't give a shit, I just want to say what I think, no matter if it's right or wrong. If it's right, then it was a good guess, if not, well, then I'm wrong and then I'll change my opinion accordingly. Of course, best would be if one actually looked for reasons for ones opinions, so one doesn't go and think that the Moon is made from green cheese because there was no reason against such an opinion.



The same goes for emotions, I think. Yes, you read right. You show an emotion, just say what you feel to some other person. It might well be that they show empathy or reject you, or think you're fucking stupid. Just that you felt the waters, that you tried, then I think you'll get it better, even with rejection.



Here come presuppositions in huge numbers. We go around and think that people have all kinds of opinions about oneself (I thought so at least), without even talking with the man/woman. How the hell do you know what someone you never seen before knows about you, they could have gotten something to know about you (Faroe Islands is small after all), but they don't know you, the only thing they can know is what someone else says, but that's their perception, not who you really are. They can only get to know you by talking with you, and if you answer - or if you talk with them, and they answer - here I don't mean that you sit and talk about the weather, but that you really sit and say what you go around and feel about something. And people react emotionally to the emotions you show, I think that now; and as I now talk with people, that's also the reaction I've so far experienced.



At last, one doesn't know what other people think, I think. Actually, you'll never know what's going on inside someone elses head (we hardly know what happens inside our own brains). You'll of course get a perception from what other people say about themselves, but not who they are completely. You can talk with you significant other, lifepartner, an entire life, and you'll come closer and closer to that person and know them intimately, rationally, emotionally and knowledge about them more than any other, but even at that, you'll never be inside their head and think their thoughts.