One thing I did while I was shy, was that I lied.



It felt a bit like I did it unintentionally, the most fitting description which I think fits is Pathelogical Lying. When I lied it felt so exciting, "what if they find out? I have to make something up that's difficult to verify." I seriously was by myself and played with such thoughts, about what I should try and lie about, and then see if they found out that I had lied, I think so, now that I look back on it. There was something that made me lie, exactly what it is I can't put my finger on, but I want to illuminate my attitude with my rather sketchy English language. This is something that's very close to me, so close that noses meet, lol.



One thing was that one came with a bunch of white lies about anything, I did that for the most part. But those white lies, now, are almost without any emotion, it felt like something one just shakes off, and then those white lies sit and prick a bit, but not so much that they bother me that much. When I think hard, I don't get any emotional "response", maybe irritation for the white lies I was caught in making.



I remember a party. Drinking beer, and people got drunk (alcohol might become another topic, we'll see, but now about lies), then there came some talk about cell phones and WAP, then I said some crap about it just being a middle thing, or whatever was said. I got the exciting idea, that I should try and make people think there was a Faroese wap. I don't remember the details exactly, there are gaps, but I remember as clearly as was it yesterday that there was someone who apparently knew about WAP and tried to test me. He caught me in saying something about Faroese WAP. It's just that, there was no Faroese WAP at all.



Dun, dun DUN! Gotcha. I think I remember that I tried to play my way out of it, but no go, and then I just sat there and kept my mouth shut. This also loomed over me all the time I was shy, og at lot of times I made a lot of silly fantasies, that I somehow could try and prove that there actually was a Faroese WAP or something, even though I had no idea if there was any or not.



Yes, extravertedly this might seem so outgoing that one stands and pulls stuff forward which are so private, which one usually keeps to oneself and shares nothing of it. Why? The only thing I can think of is decidedly shame. One simply feels humiliated over something said and/or done, or something that's happened, that one feels emotionally attached to, which builds a wall around these secrets.



And, yes, a terror, a terrible weighing terror becomes attached to these secrets one walks around with. What if someone found out I had said that or did that? What if it was uncovered? Deep down I know, no, wrong, feel on me that if the truth came forward, then I'd cause pain. Pain either for myself, if it was something about myself, or one thinks one will make pain about something which is hidden from anyone else that one knows.



It's an expectation which I have. I walk around and think I know how people I've affected, but don't know that I affected them that it was me that said and/or did this and that they'll react on the secrets I walk around with.



This is one of the last private emotions I hold inside, that I wish to work on.



If I sometime come forward and say straight out, then I think I'll get it better, but I can't know how my emotions and those I've affected will play out. I wish to work by myself with it. But maybe I'll go and tell someone close to me first, I hope I have the courage. Even though, if I'm unable to, then I'll have to try and accept what's done is done. Then I think these bottled up emotions will become a part of me, instead that I walk around and feel sorry for myself because I can't come forward with them.



How it's gonna pan out I don't know, but I hope for the best.