As shy, when I pushed my emotions aside, the only thing I held onto was to try and get knowledge about the world. How the world was put together and how everything worked.
The emotions were always there somewhere, locked behind cellar doors, and I tried to forget that they were lost inside there. It was horrible when they made sounds. When something happened to the house, such that they made sounds and I could hear the sound in the cellar, I went and thought that that noise should one not hear. It felt like it was a command forced on me, and since I surrendered and followed these orders about keeping them locked, then one just did so. But when there was a noise sometime, then it became bad and I was sorry in myself that I had to stand there and be subjected to these noises, I felt violated. Shut up, shut up, shut up. Quiet! Quiet!
Something or other made me try an block the noise from them in the cellar, instead of staying annoyed towards them and the noise they made sometimes. A finger in each ear, close my eyes and just shout ”LALALALALALALALALALA”.
But this one became tired over lengthy periods, because for me the noise went on and on and on. Never silence. Always it stood and made noise, commotion, pandemonium, crashing glas, crushing dressers, FUCK!!!, that now the house might implode from all the damages done in the cellar I thought. That's how it sounded to what I could hear.
Instead if I didn't follow the orders ”In your house YOU have to lock those whores in your basement”, and instead did what I wanted? Why the hell did I submit to those commands, and just follow them? Am I put together such that if someone comes and asks me that I have to do that, that I then just go ahead and do them without thinking about what I really want?
I had some will, something I thought I wanted, but those orders came thrumping over me. I wanted to find the key and open the door to the cellar and go down to them and ask them, just to be with them and listen to them and ask them to say I wanted to know what all the ruckus was about. Just ask.
But I never did because I felt myself forced to submit to the commands.
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Yes, the noise kept on going and because one got tired from standing and shouting, eyes closed and fingers in ears, that one got nothing done and got bored. So, instead of trying to block it out, I went instead and sat in a chair, tried to concentrate, and tried to discover what noise happened when, and tried to figure out what the cause might be. Some times I guessed wrong, sometimes I guessed right. The times I thought I guessed right I tried to remember, because when that particular noise appeared at some later time I thought I could know what was happening and then just tackle that with that knowledge in my thoughts.
All this I did instead of just acknowledging my emotions, that they were mine, mine alone. Nobody elses. Mine.
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In Personal Improvement happened something fantastic, something that has reshaped me, and I feel saved by psychology.
There I was just asked what I wanted. And. And. And. That I had never really thought what I wanted. So I just said in my own particular way, that I wanted so dearly to open the door.
But.
I waited, and I waited. Aren't you supposed to say what I'm supposed to do to open the door? I mean, do I have to use a sledge hammer or something? Then the wise words came: ”It's your door, only you have the key”. Then suddenly I took the decision, all my own from my own desire. I wanted to look for the key. I looked for a moment, found it, and went with it and I came closer to the lock on the door, then suddenly the noise increased in volume, it had never stopped, but now it became so painfully loud that I almost bled out my eyes and ears, that my vision and hearing dimmed the closer I came to the lock; but my desire, my hope, was the same as before I started looking for the key and after I decided to look for it.
With a dimmed vision and hearing I found the lock and the key slid inn.
Eg tók í handtakið og byrjaði at dreja tað. Eg opnaði hurðina, og í tí at hurðin opnar forsvann alt óljóðið og tað fyrsta eg sá at tær sótu so pinnastillar og bíðaðu, og tær hugdu uppá meg og eg kendi eyguni á mær. Eg hugsaði als ikki hvat eg skuldi gera og mín fyrsti vilji var at hyggja uppá tær. Eg hugdi á tær, og mínu eygu leitaðu niðan til eyguni á tær. Komin fram hugdi eg djúpt í eyðuni í tær og so líðandi í tí eg hugdi í eyguna, longri og longri, bleiv eg meira og meira rørdur. Tær byrjaðu so at broytast sum eg bleiv við at hyggja djúpt í eyguni og eg sá at tær tóku mín form. Eg sá meg.
I braced the handle and started to turn it. I opened the door, and as the door opened all the noise disappeared and the first thing I saw was them sitting silently and waiting, and they looked up on me and I felt their eyes upon me. I didn't think what I had to do and my first will was to look upon them. I looked at them, and my eyes searched up to their eyes. When I arose I looked deeply into their eyes and slowly as I looked into their eyes, longer and longer, I became more and more touched. They started to change as I kept looking deeply into their eyes and I saw how they took my form. I saw me.
The emotions, they, are me.
