| Oh Shit |
| Dilbert Quotes |
| Platitudes |
| Starwars "Pants" Quotes |
| Note From Management |
Shit may
just be the most powerful word in the English language:
You can be shit faced,
shit out of luck,
or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together,
find a place for your shit
or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit,
buy shit,
sell shit,
lose shit,
find shit,
or forget shit.
Some people know their shit while others can't tell
the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits,
dumb shits,
crazy shits,
and sweet shits.
There is bull shit,
horse shit and
chicken shit.
You can throw shit,
sling shit,
catch shit,
or duck when shit hits the fan
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit,
some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit,
things can look like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit,
not enough shit,
the right shit,
the wrong shit
or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit,
have a mountain of shit,
or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit
and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of
creation.
And remember, once you know your shit,
you don't need to know anything else!
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they
go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first
time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought
to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste
good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you
with experience.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your
help.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth
it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will
sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back
in your pocket.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the Force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds
the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way,
when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Lines from Star Wars improved by substituting the word "Pants"
A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old
master.
You are unwise to lower your pants.
She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve
them. See to it personally Commander.
I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
I find your lack of pants disturbing.
These pants contain the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it.
Han will have those pants down, we've gotta give him more time.
General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.
TK421. Why aren't you in your pants?
Lock the door, and hope they don't have pants.
Governor Tarkin, I recognised your foul pants when I was brought on board.
Luke, Help me take...these pants off.
That blast came from the pants. That things operational.
Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded
than this.
Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for your
sister.
Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first
sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
I used to bullseye womprats in my pants back home.
Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants.
I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.
MAY THE PANTS BE WITH YOU!!
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints
received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of
language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realise the
critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings
when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided
so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No fucking way.
TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING:
Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF:
Ask me if I give a shit.
TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the fuck?
TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING:
Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell cares?
TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his arse.
TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my arse.
TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your arse.
TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.
TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING:
I see.
INSTEAD OF:
Blow me.
TRY SAYING:
Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF
Another fucking meeting!
TRY SAYING:
I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF:
I really don't give a shit.
TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a prick.
TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
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