| Politics |
| Fathers And Sons |
| The Marine |
| The Frog |
| Big Sale |
| Irish Joke |
| United Airlines |
| Holy Water |
| Twas Written On A Forehead |
| Maths |
| Magic Bitter |
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask
you a question?"
Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner,
so let's call me "Capitalism". Your mother is the administrator
of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your
needs, so we'll call all you "The People". We'll call the
maid "The Working Class", and your baby brother we can call "The
Future"... "Do you understand, Son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it"...
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see
what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper,
the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He
went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his
father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded
by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back
to sleep...
The next morning he reported to his father...
"Dad, now I think I understand what politics is"...
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government
is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the future is
full of shit...
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the
fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started
talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "my
son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home
for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now
he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend
a new Mercedes, fully loaded." The third man, not wanting to be outdone,
bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he
gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them
on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned,
"We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth
man replied, "Well, my son is gay, and dances in a gay bar. I'm not
totally thrilled about this, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends
gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes and a stock portfolio."
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or
just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted
the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you
the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained
in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take
it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,"
the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said,
'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging
a flattened frog on a string behind him. He comes up to the doorstep of a house
of ill repute and knocks on the door. When the madam came to answer it, she
saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted to have sex with
one of the women inside, had the money to buy it, and wasn't leaving until
he got it. The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once he got
in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked her if any of the
girls had any diseases, and of course the madam said no. But he said he'd
heard that all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and get
shots after
making love with Mable, and THAT was the girl he wanted. Since the little
boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the madam told him to
go upstairs and go to the first room on the right. So he headed down the hall
dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back down,
still dragging the frog, paid the madam, and headed out the door, at which
time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only girl
she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of the
others. He said: "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my
parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
When they leave, I'm going to have sex with my baby-sitter, who happens
to be very fond of cute little boys, and then she will get the disease that
I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home,
and on the way, he'll jump the babysitter's bones, and he'll catch
the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitter's, he and Mum
will go to bed and they'll have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning
when Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he'll have
a quickie with Mum, and he'll catch it, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch
who ran over my FROG!!"
A young guy
from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking
for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store
was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
Kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
Kid says,"$101,237.64"
Boss says,"$101,237.64? What in the world did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium
fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing
rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said the coast, so told
him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I
sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his
Honda Civic would pull it so I took him to the automotive department and sold
him that 4x4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a boat and truck?"
Kid says," No, he came in here to buy his wife a box of tampons and I
said, 'Well, you're weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing."
Ireland's
worst air disaster occurred today when a small two seater Cessna crashed into
a cemetery early this afternoon in central Ireland. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as
digging continues into the night.
An award
should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and
funny, and making
her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as
cargo.
A crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long
line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket
down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has
to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll
be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and
I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger
was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could
hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your
attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "FUCK YOU!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
have to stand in line for that, too."
One day there was four nuns in line for confessional. The first nun said,
"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how. She said "I saw a man's private part."
He told her to wash her eyes with holy water. The second nun comes in and
says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how. "I touched a man's private parts."
He told her to wash her hands in holy water. Then he heard the third and fourth
nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to put my mouth in the holy water after
she sat in it."
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts," Honey,
could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light. Does it look like I have
G.E. written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door. Does it look like I have Westinghouse
written on my forehead? I don't think so".
"Fine," she says, "then could you at least fix the steps to the front door?
They're about to break."
"Fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on
my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for about an hour. He starts to feel guilty
about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he
walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters
the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he
notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice
young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the
repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She said,"Bake a cake. Does it look like I have Sara Lee written on my forehead?
I don't think so."
There are only 3 types of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.
A woman walks into a pub and sees a really good looking bloke sitting at the
bar. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. He says, "Magic Bitter."
She thinks he's a bit of a nutter, so she walks around the pub. After realising
that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting
at the bar. She says, "That isn't really Magic Bitter, is it?"
He says, "Yes. I'll show you."
So, he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the
building 3 times, and comes back into the window. She can't believe it. She
says to him, "I bet you can't do that again."
So, he takes another drink of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around
the building 3 times, and comes back in the window. She is amazed. She says
that she wants Magic Bitter. So the bloke says to the bartender, "Give her
a pint of what I'm having."
She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out the window, plummets 30 storeys,
breaks every bone in her body and dies. The bartender looks up at the bloke
and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're pissed."
Submitted by Karl, North Shore
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