History's like an amusement park. Except instead of rides you have dates to memorize.
Big Brother is watching you! 6 Housemates: Anna, Alan, Caillan, Caroline,
Daniel, Susan; 1 Winner, You Decide!
Day 1 - Caillan admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Susan. He
says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Anna is in fact the only lesbian
in the house, although Alan later admits that he is unsure of his true
sexuality.
Day 2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores.
Daniel creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong.
Caroline hits him with a Spoon.
Day 3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make
a model of World Trade Centre out of Pizza. After much persuasion by Daniel,
they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.
Day 4 - Training for the World Trade Centre task is well under way. However
havoc ensues when Alan, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest
fat bastard in the house, eats half the Pizza. Caroline is furious.
Day 5 - Today is the day when the World Trade Centre task must be completed.
Things are going well until shortly before the end when Alan farts and blows
World Trade Centre over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure.
Susan cries.
Day 6 - Daniel gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a
very exciting day.
Day 7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the
housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider,
Susan admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a Spoon. Caillan says
he never wears condoms because they make his Penis sore and Daniel agrees. Anna
goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true
orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Alan sits in the
corner, quietly eyeing up Daniel.
Day 8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to
leave. Caillan goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them
because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Caroline
and Susan are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Caillan.
Day 9 - Caroline and Susan are told of their nominations and burst into tears,
before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Anna sings them a song
- Ashlee Simpson - La La - to make them feell better.
Day 10 - The public vote Susan out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered
but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying
being spanked. Susan leaves.
Day 11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms
with Susan's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's
failed task. Anna has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Caroline is
visibly depressed and is comforted by Daniel, who tries to touch her on her
Vagina.
Day 12 - The Big Brother psychologist replays the footage of Daniel touching
Caroline's Vagina over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting
psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing
figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running
machine for twice the circumference of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food
budget on completing it.
Day 13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Alan
refuses to run because his Penis hurts a bit.
Day 14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed.
Alan finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that
without him they'd never have done it. Caroline calls Alan a lazy Penis.
Day 15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Caillan tells
everyone individually that he thinks Caroline is a whore. He also points out
that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome
to come and visit. Caroline and Daniel are nominated by the housemates to leave.
Nobody votes for Caillan.
Day 16 - The nominations are announced. Caroline can't believe she's been voted
out two weeks in a row. Daniel is equally stunned and turns to Caroline for
comfort. Alan is distraught and confesses to Anna that he thinks he is in love
with Daniel. Anna says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're
all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know
Day 17 - The public vote Daniel out of the house. Caroline says she is gutted
and even gives Daniel a clipping of hair from her Vagina to prove how much she
cares. Alan is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Daniel leaves.
Day 18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Caroline clipping
the hair from her Vagina. Apparently this is an important psychological
incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.
Day 19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem
of Yugoslavia in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing
it.
Day 20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Yugoslavia sounds like
but Alan says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Caillan as
the one who must complete the task.
Day 21 - Caillan successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Yugoslavia
but also God Save The Queen, Ashlee Simpson - La La and the theme tune to The
Simpsons. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid
newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.
Day 22 - Nominations are due and Caillan tells everyone that he has a Villa in
the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Alan and Anna
are nominated.
Day 23 - Alan and Anna take their nominations well and sit down with Caillan and
Caroline to discuss why they voted for them. Caillan keeps quiet but Caroline
accuses Alan of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred Penis before bursting into
tears.
Day 24 - The public vote Anna out of the house and nobody really gives a shit.
Anna leaves.
Day 25 - Caillan becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes
down well with the Big Brother psychologist who proclaims that it gives us a
true insight into the working of Caillan's mind and brings out his true
personality. In other words, he's a wanker.
Day 26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting
5000 tons of Giraffe dung using only a Spoon. Caillan is unsure but Alan is
confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger.
They gamble 50% of the food budget.
Day 27 - Completely out of the blue, Alan breaks down in tears and announces
that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has
brought back the painful memories of the Giraffe incident from his childhood.
Caroline tries to persuade him to stay but Caillan sits in a corner, rubbing his
hands slyly. Alan decides to leave.
Day 28 - With only two housemates remaining, the Giraffe dung task proves
impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some
vegetable wine, made by Caroline from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in
the Big Brother garden.
Day 29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Caillan asks Caroline to marry
him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Caillan nominates Caroline to leave. Rather
more surprisingly, so does Caroline.
Day 30 - When the nomination is announced, Caroline graciously accepts defeat
and proclaims that Caillan is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she
also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is
preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew
breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Caillan
takes his $1,000,000 and runs away to Yugoslavia. Nobody, including Caroline,
ever sees him again.
The above events have been made up for entertainment purposes and should not
be mistaken as real events. If anybody should take offence by what they have
read, they can contact the producers of Big Brother by calling 1300 DONT SUE
(1300 3668 783). No animals were harmed during the filming of this production.
Thank You.