10K with Ernst Lamothe

by - Dan Pan and Thomas Musick

1. How long have you ran for?

Ran for what? President? Never, but now that you mention it, I do like the sound of President Lamothe. Maybe Lovie Smith could be my Secretary of Defensive Coordinator.

2. Why do people call you the "Fastest Man in the Midwest"?

Give me the keys to a cream-colored Olds and I'll show you why.

3. Do you have a car?

Not right now. I'd tell you why, but oh deer, it's a long story.

4. Are you sure you are known as the "Fastest Man in the Midwest" because of your driving ability?

Well I suppose it could be because of my social skills. Let's just say that I had made it to third base by sixth grade, if you know what I mean. No, seriously, it was against the Calumet Cannons, I hit a one-hopper back to the pitcher and reached third on a three-base error.

5. How many speeding tickets have you had?

None yet, but hopefully next year I can save money to buy some so I can go see Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and all those other speeders!

6. Sorry, back to the questions, do you advise young runners to eat before they run? If so, what do you recommend?

Definitely. It's not such a big deal what specific food they eat, as long as they cover it with a napkin when they are finished. Exposed leftovers is worse than almost anything. Except the White Sox.

7. I noticed nowadays people wear headbands when they run. In your professional opinion, are thy actually keeping the sweat out of their eyes, or are they trying to make a fashion statement?

They are a fashion statement. Essentially, they are like wristbands for the head, but bigger because most people's heads are bigger than their wrists. (This was my senior thesis so if it seems a little complicated don't feel bad, I researched it for more than 2 years.)

8. What would you tell young runners when they are face with confrontations? I know sometimes you can't avoid physical attacks when runners run at night. You are a non-violent man, what would you do?

If you're scared, try to find a happy place. Just remember, Happy Saves the Day. In case of an actual attack, just call Ron Artest at 555-4174. He's clinically insane and doesn't have a lot going on these days. He'll be happy to help.

9. What would you do if while running, you came upon a wolf? dingo? rattlesnake?

For a wolf, I would bark at it as if I were playing man-up defense at IMPE. For a dingo, I would take it to my apartment until it suffocated in the 98-degree heat. For a rattlesnake, I would kill it with my bare hands and skin it for shoe leather.

10. What would you do if you ran into poison ivy?

Swear up a storm, and then just for good measure, mate with a goat.