Big J Conquers Chicago

by - Justin Fleming

I did it! My goal for the race was to finish the marathon without calling a taxi or crawling

Saturday 5:15am: Got a big thick black marker and wrote a huge "J" on my shirt. Thought about getting high off it. Making a fake tatoo on my arm and creating a fake mustache also crossed my mind.

6:20am: I get my race number. Wow, there is so many people here. Don't these people sleep or watch cartoons? Maybe I should serve kool-aid to the runners to occupy my time?

7:00am: The race has begun! Survivor, Fleming Style is on the air. Funny, Dan Pan calls me Jaybird...get it, bird flying in the air. I am leaving my nest. Sometime, I even crack myself up.

Mile 1: Within half a mile, I can't run. Too many people in the way. At this pace, I might as well walk the marathon. I wonder what kind of bullshit that Pan is putting on his website right now!

Mile 2: I am already in the last 25% of the runners. I can't run at my pace...too many people in the way. Why are these slow asses here? I am going to be like the human snake, weaving my way in and out.

Mile 3-5: My stride lengthens and I'm actually starting to pass people now.

Mile 5: I eat my first energy gel. I wonder about the Physics of Being Santa. That should have been my thesis....

Miles 5-7: My legs have totally loosened up and despite passing a lot of people, I am hardly even breathing. After the 10K mark a woman I pass look at her watch and says to a companion, "57:04... I think that's too fast."

Miles 7-13: I am feeling like I am da man, not only with the running, but with my apperance. I am so in my element....it is ridiculous. I wish I could go back in time (this morning) for 10 minutes to hand out combs and brushes. Man, people need to fix their hair in a major way. From my point of view, I have noticed that the faster the runner, the more they need to fix their hair. This is what I should have done before the race. I think a fifth of the runners were entering in the Alf Look-Alike Contest after the race.

Mile 13.1: I cross the halfway mark at 2:06:25. Still feeling good! Those dance camps mom and dad signed me up for is now coming into use.

Miles 13.1-20: My pace continues to be a steady 8:40 or so and am not slowing down at all. If I run faster, I might be able to catch the show "Little House of the Prarie" I love that show.

Mile 20: I break through the cliche'd "Runner's Wall", still feeling fine! That thigh master Jason gave me is working wonders. I need to thank him for that gift.

Mile 22: My pace is slowing down slightly. Just 4.2 miles to go! I kept telling myself."You are going to miss Little House on the Prarie..."

Mile 23: Just 3.2 miles to go, like running a 5k race now! If I can run at my normal 5k pace...I just overheard from a fellow runner that Starr Jones's wedding was last week. Crap, I missed it. I am so mad that I can spit nails.

Mile 24-26: I am now focusing on finishing under 4 hours. It seems like I should easily be able to do this but my legs are getting tighter and tighter. Yet, there is no way I am going to walk or crawl at this point. However, getting a ride on someone's back is not out of the question though. The minutes are ticking, and yet I still can't see the finish line. Where is it?! Maybe I can tear part of my shirt off, use it as a blind fold and then play Marco Polo with the finishing line.

Mile 26.1: I dig deep and am now sprinting. Finally, the finish line is in sight! And look who it is. Starr "The Party Starter" Jones and her new husband.

Mile 26.2: Finished! My final time is 3:46:49! Beat the 4-hour mark by 13 minutes, 11 seconds What a feeling! A great race. Where is the cheeseburger stand? I am hungry. Where is the nearest televsion set? Little House on the Prarie is starting in a few minutes.