Shipping Company retirement scheme
To: All Employees Over The Age of 30.
From: Retirement Director
Subject:Retirement Scheme
Due to the present economic situation, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under the PLAN, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent the future of the business.
Therefore, a programme to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This programme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside our company. Provided that they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before the actual retirement takes place. This phase of operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED, may file an appeal with upper management. This phase is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may only be RAPED once, SCREWED twice but SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance), or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment), unless he or she has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependants or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to ensure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
The company take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the business.
If any employee feels that he or she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is especially trained to make sure that you receive all the SHIT you can take.
RETIREMENT COMMITTEE.
