Wasting yer ass in 3-D
Part I of an introduction to 3D multi-player environments

"Looking at the progression of technology, you knew it wouldn’t be long before computers moved a step closer to how we interact in our own lives. Previously viewed as simply ‘tools’ or ‘toys’, computers are now integrating themselves as full blown simulations and replacements for actual ‘living’. Where programming intuition has yet to make a totally interactive environment, we try and put up with what is currently available."
-- Pseudo Techno Evangelist

With that mumbo jumbo being said, let us look at the phenomenon of 3D-worlds and 3D-gaming. This Rant will be part one of a 3D overview, in later weeks I will focus on specific games or programs that are currently making people all hot and bothered.

Killing Time

I remember my first 3-D gaming experience at a buddies house on a crap-ass TI-99 back in ‘85. I don’t remember the game title, but it was this line-art type Dungeons and Dragons game with the BLAT BLAT sound effects. The concept was fun and kept us entertained for hours…

Classic?

Now 12 years later, I unfortunately don’t find myself exponentially more satisfied with the way games are played. Don’t get me wrong, there are some definite killer games, but all the graphics in the world don’t do much for the fact that you can get killed 85 times and nothing physically happens to you. I want total interaction. I want to get scared. I want to inflict world-wide pain from my living room.

Ironically, a lot of the better players of the current 3D games have the fattest asses, and in real life only kill an occasional toilet seat.

You ever see Lawnmower Man? Man, I want that, and I want it at an affordable price. Total interaction so that when you’re quakin’ at 3 a.m. you don’t fall asleep while fat-ass gibs you for the 14^th straight time. Instead you just run up, kick him in the plumber's crack, take his ammo, and run away. Fat-ass can’t run in real life, so he can’t in the game either. All the things you are currently good at are heightened, and the things you suck at, suck hard. i.e.:

• Disadvantage: Fat-ass might have to eat every two hours or he can't move. After a while, he starts eating his weapons until he explodes.
• Advantages: Fat-ass will be able to fling excess ho-hos at you that could cause slippage and if you get too close, he could even eat you.

Regardless of what happens, physical ability does matter, just as it would in a real fight. (Geez, now I sound like Jackie Chan).

Anyway, obviously, I don’t want anyone getting eaten by fat people, but a little more physical stimulation would go a long way. Oh, speaking of physical stimulation, did you know that 45 seconds after Cornell University invented Cu-SeeMe, CuYerBoobs-SeeMyDick was discovered? Wait wait, I’m waaaay off topic. We’ll definitely explore that one later.

That’s it this week gamers. Next week we’ll conclude this introduction to 3D environments by exploring Virtual Gangs.

Back to the fragfest,

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