On Mattering

One thing very common for those of us with MS: our health can give us a very low sense of self-esteem.

When something stops working temporarily, or maybe because we need a cane (or canes) to move around, or maybe we need to use a wheelchair... any of these things can leave us with a poor body image, low self-esteem, even depression.

This can be paralyzing at times, and I won't lie to you: even when we think we've dealt with these feelings, they can come back very easily with the next relapse.

I know these feelings too well. I walk with a cane in each hand. I've always been a self-depreciating person... but after a convention in Toronto the weekend of October 22nd - 24th 1999, my friends gave me a long talk about this (Toronto to Montreal is 6 hours of driving - if you make no stops - after all). They told me how I was putting myself down in almost everything I said; in some cases, I didn't even realize I had - but as we spoke, I realized what they said was true.

[Note: I can't pin this all on MS. A great deal of it comes from outside stuff.]

Through this, I've come to a thought, a mantra that we should all repeat to ourselves, whenever our health really gets us down:

"You matter."

No matter how down you may feel, no matter how frustrated you sometimes feel when you can't do something... you still have worth. You still mean something, even if it doesn't feel that way. David Lander, Richard Pryor, Lola Falana, Montel Williams, Annette Funicello... these are all people who continue on despite the challenges that MS causes. Richard will make an appearance on a TV show soon. Montel still runs his daily series. Lola still performs at her church.

When I got my diagnosis back in 1996, I was in the middle of my first relapse. My right arm was paralyzed. I was in shock yes, depressed, definitely - but I had two writing deadlines coming on very soon. Writing is what I do, my reason for existing.

I wrote slowly, re-learning to type one-handed with my left, and I still managed to produce two newsletters amounting to over 20 pages apiece.

Any reason to get up, no matter how small it seems, is worth it. I've always said that any day that starts with you breathing can only go up from there. I hope that's an attitude that you can share.

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