The Bar
The man was happy. He no longer had to do
the crazy job that Thor had made him do.
Well, technically Thor didn’t force the man,
but when a Norse god with a hammer who can
throw thunderbolts and command lightning
asks you to do something, you do it. Especially
if he pays well, which Thor does. In fact, Thor
paid him so well, he quit his job as a security
guard.
“Ah, this is the life”’ the man thought out loud
“No more poring over newspapers,
no more standing outside a building all evening,
just me, my cat, and my twin brother.”
Just then, the phone rang. “Hello?” the man said,
as he picked up the phone. “Is this George?”
asked a voice on the other end. “Speaking, who is this?”
“Ah, George, this is Jack, from Jack’s Bar and Grill.
I notice you haven’t been in here in
a few days, is something wrong?”
“No, Jack, I’ve just been busy tying up
loose ends these past few days. I quit my job, and
I’ve been talking to a stock broker about investing my money.”
“Oh, well, I suppose that’s normal enough...Anyway,
just thought I’d call and see if you
were OK. Oh, your brother says hi, he’s here right now.”
“John is there? Hmm...How long ago did he get there?”
“Only a few minutes ago, you can probably join him if you like.”
“Thanks Jack, I’ll do that.”
The man got into his large red convertible
with blue trim and white sidewalls, and drove
to the restaurant. To his amazement, he saw that
the sign, which had read “Jack’s Bar and Grill”
and some vandal had added “Enter at your own
risk,” now merely read “Enter at your own risk.”
But that’s another story.
As he entered the building, he couldn’t help
but have his eyes drawn to something. The Bar.
George had always wondered about it, but
now his curiosity could be contained no longer.
“Jack, what is the deal with the bar?”
“Ah! George! Glad to see you could make
it! The Bar eh? Well, you’re not the first person to
ask me that. In many ways, it’s just a bar.
But not in every way. You see, I got it from a man
named Apollo. I suppose I should technically
say a god named Apollo, but he looked just like
a regular guy. In fact, he owned this place before
I did. He sold it to me years ago, saying
something about his duty to humanity...I wasn’t
paying much attention. Anyway, it’s a bar.
Anyone standing behind it is happy. You’ve probably
noticed that our bartenders are always
smiling. Now you know why. I’ve already seated John
at your usual table, go ahead and join
him.”
“Thanks Jack.”
“George! Good to see you old chap,” said John as
George walked up. “Have you heard the
news?”
“What news?”
“My goodness, I can’t believe you
haven’t heard! Thor has taken over a small South American
country, using nothing but a few sheets of paper
and a hammer!”
“What? You cannot be serious? His hammer is still in my garage!”
Just then, a note appeared in a flash,
followed by a large man, wearing a business suit, and
carrying a hammer. The Hammer. Just as
George was about to speak, the man disappeared.
The note remained, however. George read it
silently. It read: “George, I have taken the hammer
and started my takeover of the world.
You did a good job. Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner about
the hammer, I know how much you
like it. Give my best to Beth. - Thor” Without a word,
George handed the note to his twin.
“My word!” John exclaimed as he finished
the note. “Is he serious?”
“Yeah, he’s serious all right. He said something
about taking over the world, just before he
disappeared in a flash of light last time.”
“Do you think he can do it?”
“I don’t know. Jack just told me that Apollo
was around somewhere, but I don’t know if he’s
the type to do anything about it.”
“Apollo??? You mean the Greek god of sunshine and goodness?”
“Yep, that Apollo.”
Just then there was another flash of light. Out of this light, a man appeared.
Or at least he looked like a man.
“You were talking about me,” he said.
“Umm...Possibly, are you Apollo?” said George.
“Of course I am! Who else could I be, a
ppearing in a flash of light, and with this
thundering voice?”
“Well, you could be Thor, he does the same thing.”
“Thor? The Norse god of storms? I don’t
look anything like him!”
“True, you don’t.”
And he didn’t. He wasn’t wearing a business
suit, and wasn’t carrying The Hammer. In fact,
he was dressed in jeans and a T-Shirt. The T-shirt,
oddly enough, read “I’m a Greek god, and all
I get out of it is this crummy T-shirt.”
“Well, anyway,” said Apollo, “why were
you talking about me?”
“We were just curious if you were going
to do anything about Thor taking over the world.”
Apollo began to laugh. Not just any laugh
mind you, this laugh shook the walls. In fact,
it shook them so hard that all the pictures fell
off. This prompted Jack, the owner, to come
over and demand in a loud (though not thundering)
voice: “What on Earth is going on
over here! Oh! Apollo, it’s you! Could you
stop laughing please? You’re disturbing the
guests.”
“Sorry Jack, I couldn’t help it. These twins
here wanted to know if I was going to do anything
about Thor’s takeover, can you believe it?”
Apollo began laughing again, but quickly stopped
when he saw the look on Jack’s face.
“Sorry again, but it’s just so funny! Who do you think
is helping him take over the world? You
don’t really think he could do it on his own do you?”
“Well, he is quite powerful...And I did just
do a massive amount of research for him right
before he started...” said George.
“Indeed? You’re George? Thor speaks very
highly of you. It’s true, we couldn’t do it
without your notes, but still. Thor can barely
take over a city on his own, notes or not!”
“Umm...Well then, I’m sorry to have bothered you.”
“It’s quite all right, it’s been a long time
since anyone talked about me as a real being, and
not just some Greek myth. Do you like
the T-shirt by the way?”
The three men looked at the shirt.
“Oh yes, very nice.” Said all three in turn.
“Good! I picked it up at a mini-mall in
Iowa, of all places! Now, I really must be going.”
Apollo walked out the door, where a flash
of light was seen by everyone inside. Jack went
back to work, leaving the twins alone at their table,
sipping their gin and tonics.
“Life is never dull around you is it?” said
John after a few minutes silence.
“Not since I lost that quarter. I’m not sure
what it is about me...Next thing you know, some
Hindu deity will appear and start talking to me.
Just then there was a flash of light and...No,
just kidding. What really happened is that the
food arrived, and the two men ate.
“So what are you going to do now?” John asked George.
“I’m not sure really. I’ll think of something.
Maybe I’ll go on a trip.”
“Oh? Anywhere in mind?”
“Yeah, I was thinking of going to Egypt, I’ve
never seen the pyramids.”
“Really? That would be fun. Do you know
why they built pyramids?”
“Yes, they were tombs for the Pharaohs, right?”
“No, no, that’s not what I meant. I meant
pyramids instead of, say, cylinders.”
“Oh! No, I don’t know why. Why?”
“They thought pi was equal to 3, so the
cylinders kept coming out wrong.”
John finished saying this, and began
smiling and chuckling. George didn’t
think it was all that funny, but he managed
a chuckle himself.
“Very funny, yes, well. It’s time for you
to get back to work, isn’t it?”
“Indeed it is my brother, indeed it is.
Have a nice day.”
The two men left the bar. George got to
his large red convertible with blue trim and white
sidewalls and saw something
attached to the windshield. It was another note.
This note read: “George: Sorry about
the whole taking over the world thing. I won’t be
a bad ruler, really. And Apollo will
help me out by being my co-dictator, so it can’t be
all that bad, right? He is the god of sunshine
and goodness after all. We are having the
strangest weather though, it’s rather disturbing.
Anyway, thanks again, you’ll have to come
visit me sometime. I hope Beth is well. -Thor”
George just shook his head, and started the car.
Well, to be more accurate, what he did is
turn the key in the ignition. The car,
however, refused to start. “What is wrong now?”
George wondered aloud. “I just got
a tune-up last week!”
George shrugged, pulled out his new
cellular phone and called the local towing company.
After what seemed like 15 minutes
(it was really 35, but George went back inside
and had a drink or two, so he didn’t notice)
a tow truck showed up. Inside the tow truck
was the smallest tow truck operator in the
western hemisphere. The smallest! Standing
no taller than 5'1, and weighing a mere
110 lbs, he didn’t look like a tow truck operator.
But there he was, operating a tow truck. And
very well, too, judging by his $100 shoes. George
was a bit dumbfounded, but recovered quickly.
“Ah! There you are! That was fast, you don’t
call your company Speedy Towing for nothing eh?”
“No, we don’t.” replied the tow truck operator, Billy.
“So, your car won’t start eh? Mind if I
take a look under the hood?”
“Not at all, that’s what I called you for,”
said George, opening the hood. A large billow of smoke
erupted from under the hood, causing
George to start coughing. Billy was unaffected,
as the smoke went right over his head. Billy
began poking around, making thoughtful noises.
“Uh-huh, eumm-hmm, aha. Yes, I see your problem.
You see this?” Billy pointed at what appeared to be
some sort of ball (a baseball, or a cricket ball perhaps).
“Yes.” replied George. “Well, that’s your problem.”
Billy pulled the ball out, noting that it was indeed
a baseball (no one in the United States plays
cricket!), and saying “It should start now, go
ahead and try it.” George turned the key,
and the large red convertible with blue trim
and white sidewalls started on the first try.
“Great! How much do I owe you?”
“Well let’s see, gas is expensive these
days...baseball extraction is extra...That’ll be $75.”
“$75! All you did is make thoughtful noises
and pull a baseball out of the engine!”
“Well, that’s true, but I also had to drive all the
way down here, get out of my truck, squint
at the darkness under your hood, tie my shoes,
put on my hat, and stare at that ugly sign over
there for several seconds.” said Billy. George
towered over Billy in a threatening manner,
but Billy was unfazed. “Well, I suppose” said
George, pulling out his wallet and giving
Billy the $75. “But I want a receipt for that,
itemized if you will.” Billy smiled, pulled
out his official receipt notepad and wrote
the following: “Charges are as follows: $40,
standard fee for diagnostic work of less than
1 hour but more than 15 minutes. $2, gas. $3,
eyestrain due to dark working conditions. $30,
baseball extraction. Paid in full.” he then
signed it, and handed it to George.
“Oh, before I go, one question.” said Billy.
“Yes?” “How did a baseball get under your hood
anyway?” “That’s a very good question,
when I have the answer, you will be the
first person I
call,” said George, getting into his car and
driving off. Billy shook his head and went back to his shop.
George meanwhile was driving down the
highway at 47 MPH, the speed limit in his town.
“What now?” he thought out loud. Soon enough
he arrived at The Bag, his nice, but modest house
in the suburbs. His cat greeted him as he opened
the door, with a loud Meow! (What took so long?
You didn’t meet with Thor again did you?) George,
who still did not understand Beth any better than
the day he first got her ignored this and started
looking at travel ads in the local newspaper.
Most of them were normal enough, and rather
unappealing. The second page,
however, was much different.
“What the...” said George out loud, in a
rather surprized tone, “how did this get in there?”
The ad George was looking at looked like this:
“Sandy Beaches. Sunny and rainy weather (at the same time)
Free airfare for you and a guest if your name is George Johnson.
Call 555 THEHAMMER for more information.”
George was a bit startled by this, but Beth
just meowed again. (What is Thor up to this
time? Causing more rain I bet.) George began
to pet her, and contemplated what to do next.
‘Well,’ he thought, ‘I suppose I ought to just
call the number.’ George picked up the phone and
dialed the number.
“Hello? Is this thing working?” said a feminine voice on the other end.
“Umm...Yes, it seems to be working.”
“George? Is that you?” said the voice.
“Uh, yes, do I know you?”
“Well, no, but Thor has told me all about you!
Besides, we didn’t expect anyone other than you
to call about the ad.”
“I see, who am I speaking to then?”
“This is Val. I’m one of Thor’s assistants, as it were.
This is really fantastic! I’ve never used one of these before!”
“Well, I saw the ad in the paper, what more
information can you tell me? And why didn’t Thor
or Apollo just pop in like they usually do?”
“Well, they would have, but they are taking
over the world, they’ve decided to start using more,
er, subtle tactics than flashing godly might all
over the place. Basically, they’d like you to come
visit them! They can’t teleport anyone else,
only themselves, and I can only take dead people,
so they thought an airplane would be best.
You were thinking of taking a vacation, weren’t
you?”
“Well, yes, but I was thinking of going to Egypt,
not South America...”
“Egypt? Why would you want to go there?
All that hot desert, those stuffy tombs...South
America is much nicer, kind of like Norway, but a bit warmer!”
“Well...”
“The ad did mention that the airfare was
free, and you could bring a guest, right?”
“Yes, it did.”
“Well, then should I book you a hotel room?”
“Hmmm...Well, I guess so. I have to find
a guest though. Give me a few days.”
“Sure! Not a problem. Don’t know how I
ever got by without one of these things, what do
you call them again? Oh! Yes, telephones!
Call me when you’ve decided who you’re bringing!”
“Will do. What did you say your name was again?”
“Valkyrie, but you can call me Val!”
“Right! Got it. Talk to you later. ‘Bye.”
George hung up the phone and shook his head.
“Why do I agree to these things?” he wondered
aloud.
At 5:30, he called John and asked him if
he would like to go on a vacation, to South America
to visit Thor and Apollo. John agreed.
George called the number again.
“Hello? George, is that you again?”
“Yes, it’s me again. I’ve found a guest,
my brother John. We can leave on Friday.”
“Great! We have the nicest hotel all picked
out for you! Hmm...Friday...A plane leaves at
10am, how’s that sound?”
“Splendid.”
“Great! See you Friday!”
‘Well, this should be interesting.’ George thought.
And he was right, it would be.
Thou mayest leave a message here which will get to the lord of this realm, via e-mail. You get an odd thought as you stand here: "This is all somehow related to or provided by Geocities."