1961 | Born. June 30, 1961. "Mary Rose's Baby." The only child of two only children. Could this be the mark of the beast? Or just a lack of good old family values? (Oh, so you think I'm spoiled? I love being called spoiled by the same little ignorant snits who complained that I never had any toys to play with when they came over to my house.) |
1967 | Attempted Murder. After seeing numerous Catholic illustrations of guardian angels hovering over children, I decided I didn't want it for myself. Tried to murder my guardian angel, but never caught it. I don't think I ever had one. |
1969 | Heretic. Never memorized enough Bible verses in Sunday school to win a cheesy plastic rosary. Must have been Biblical dyslexia. |
1970 | Grade School Troublemaker. Drew a picture of naked President Nixon having an operation and showed my lunchmates, who thought it was a hoot. It was snatched by the principal and I was severely reprimanded by my homeroom teacher. (My best friend at the time had originally drawn pictures of naked ladies having operations, which I thought was rather uneventful, which is why I chose Nixon. She got in trouble too, for being in on my little joke. She cried. I didn't.) |
1971 | Homeless. Lived with my parents in a motel for 2 weeks in Colorado. |
1971 | Truant. Wasn't going to school while living in that stupid motel. |
1974 | Pornographer. Drew and designed a tongue-in-cheek Mad Magazine-style geriatric porn magazine. Mother found it and got really p.o.'d. |
1974-1975 | Problem Child. Numerous incidents in which I was called into the Junior High School counselor's office. |
1976-1979 | High School Freak. Did not take part in jock-like extra-curricular activities. |
1977 | High School Troublemaker. Played mean practical jokes on substitute Geometry teacher. |
1978 | Drug Pusher. When my art class was asked to paint and decorate tables in the art room, I painted a man smoking a cigarette, which was later pencilled out by the art teacher. |
1983 | Kidnapper/Thief. Took a promotional cardboard cutout of Perry Como from art building (part of a still-life setup) and refused to return it when discovered by professor. |
1983 | Witch. Exhibit "Helloween" at CSU gets angry reaction from campus Christian community. |
1983 | Politically Incorrect. Tormented foreign student. |
1983-1985 | Bad Tennant. Played punk rock at Deadhead neighbors; had pets when none were allowed (rats!); tormented anal retentive landlady. |
1983, 1984, 1986 | Vandal. Pounded nails in walls at one CSU art gallery where nails were forbidden. Nearly caused one old administrator to have a coronary. |
1984 | Male Impersonator. Snuck into a "Men Only" art show in a Denver Gallery. Was found out, ironically, by a collector of my work. |
1984 | Usurper of Authority. When a professor (see Kidnapper/Thief entry) of mine at CSU hung up an old painting of my boyfriend's (now my husband) that I didn't think did him justice, I swapped it for a more recent one when my professor wasn't looking. This was right before an opening for Willem DeKooning (who wasn't there anyway), and I was reprimanded all during the opening for doing that. It was quite a scene. |
1985 | Secular Humanist. Terminated from a menial job, suspiciously after I had gotten into a discussion with a Christian co-worker about how man created God. |
1985 | Unemployed and Food Stamp Recipient. |
1985 | Cruel to Animals. Unknowingly put two incompatible lizards in the same cage together; the big one ate the little one. This is the only infamous act I regret doing, and it still makes me sad to this day. I love lizards. |
1987 | Exhibitionist. At a solo show in a cooperative gallery, I exhibited a painting with an abstract penis in it. This caused an old prude to quit the gallery, followed by a succession of old prudes soon after. |
1988 | Bad Daughter. Got married at the Justice of the peace, much to my Catholic Dad's chagrin. I wore black to the wedding, too. |
1988 | Bad Wife. Decided not to take husband's last name. |
1988-present | Whore. I refuse to use my sexual organs for procreation purposes. |
1988-present | Bad Daughter-in-Law. I refused to have their grandkids. |
1988 | Blasphemer. A painting of mine, "I Danced for His Headless," a portrait of myself as Salome, was removed from a group show when the proprietor of the gallery decided it would scare off his Catholic relatives. |
1990 | Bad Citizen. Painted mural on retaining wall of my own house without permission from the city. Got involved in dreaded municipal bureaucratic red tape. |
1990-1992 | Bad Student. Never made the T.A. interview list at the UW; Disregarded professors' advice to work fewer hours at my job. (bunch o' hypocrites, them) |
1990-1993 | Bad Employee. Disregarded employer's wish to work more hours at my job. (bunch o' stiffs, them) |
1991, 1992 | Bad Artist. Was told my art looks like something that would be hanging in a Ramada Inn by a professor at the UW, and, by a poet, that it reminded him of something on the side of a car. Bite me, Richard Long! |
19??-???? | Bad Consumer. I refuse to stimulate the economy. I don't buy high-ticket items. |
1994 |
Mentorless Rock and Roll Junkie. Cried forever when Kurt Cobain killed himself. Hardly cried at all when my favorite professor from grad school died a month later. |
1995 | Jezebel. When my husband's MFA Thesis Exhibit show got moved around, I got mad at the UW and tried to take on his cause, swore at them and worse, and nearly got him kicked out of graduate school and a sexual harrassment suit slapped on him, when it was really my fault. That's right, feed me to the dogs, Hrpthr Vts,rt. Fsm Ts,otrx. s;; upi nsdystfd. upi lmpe ejp upi str/ <d/ Nryyrmjsidrm. rsy ,u djoy. upi d[po;rf tovj noyvj/ (yes, that was an evil curse.) |
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