I spent years being depressed off and on. I've tried lots of ways of dealing with it. I find you really can't. Or I can't. You could try therapy, and it may help. Or it may hurt. When I tried it, it made me many times more depressed than I had been. Anyway, psychology is far from an exact science. Every individual case is anecdotal. Patterns may seem to emerge which most cases may seem to conform to most of the time, but there are no rules, no absolutes. Each case is unique. Some more so than others, as, I believe, with me. Anyway, the most important part of therapy is having someone to talk with, openly, honestly, thoroughly, about anything. Someone you trust; preferably, I think, someone you know and love and who knows and loves you. I'd say that's better than a therapist, or psychiatrist, or anyone like that. Most importantly, someone you think might really understand what you feel, more or less, maybe someone who feels such things themselves, and needs to talk to you just as much as you need to talk to them.

You could try drugs, anti-depressants. Might work. Might not. Might make it worse. It's especially unwise, as they don't know why the drugs work when they do, just that they do. And sometimes drugs will have the opposite of the intended effect. Or they may do nothing. Or, if they do work, that is, cure you of your depression, they may do more. They may make you think differently, they may make it difficult or impossible to experience real happiness, just indifference, unconcern. Almost sedate. And then, there are often unwanted side effects….

You could try alcohol, or similar things. I really don't think I should need to say anything about that.

You could try suicide. In America today, this is perhaps beyond taboo. But in other times and places, it has been acceptable, even honorable, if done for the proper reasons. It will likely always be considered heroic to sacrifice your life for others, or for a greater cause. But the more time that passes, the less reasons there will be which people still see as sufficient to end your own life. And I don't know that depression would ever have been acceptable to most people. Understandable, perhaps, but not acceptable. Most people don't seem to know what real depression is like. They can be depressed in their little way, but not nearly on the level that some people experience. Still, it will feel intense, and perhaps is, so they assume that people will say "chronic depression" or what have you just feel that way a lot more often, because how much worse could it get than what normal people feel, less often? But they don't understand. They can perhaps feel full-force depression but rarely, when something goes monumentally wrong. Then they might consider, even commit suicide. But they don't get that some people, when they say they suffer from depression, feel that full-force depression or worse on a regular basis, often- in my experience- for no logical reason, not even an illogical reason they themselves can begin to discern. And when they do have reason… well, it's hard sometimes to say what's worse, but either way, it is enough not to want to live. I'm not saying you should kill yourself because you have severe depression. I'm saying it should not be condemned if you do. I think every possible alternative should be explored, and suicide should be reserved as an absolute last resort, if it becomes apparent that there is no chance whatever for a normal, happy life by any means.

In this country we are guaranteed many rights, and the chief among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I should think all three are of equal value, and none is worth very much without the other two. But many people elevate life above the others. If you cannot be fundamentally happy, what good is life? In the absence of happiness, you may choose to end your life. Others may choose to take away your liberty by preventing you from doing so, so all you are left with is one of the three.

But as I say, suicide is a final resort, when all else fails. Now I'll try as best I can to describe why I never killed myself. Because, I always know that no matter how depressed I get, I also often feel great joy in life, and I would not want to give that up. And then there are things I still have to do. I have, I feel, a destiny to be a successful writer. I have not yet achieved this. There is much I still have to write, and much to publish. And then there is so much I have yet to read, to watch, to listen to, places to go, people to meet. So much to do in life I haven't yet done. Besides, I'm a bit psychic, and I happen to know that I'm going to live to be 86. These, and so many other things I tell myself when I'm depressed. And I don't care. I just want to die. And yet I know I won't kill myself, and that depresses me even more, sometimes. And eventually, my depression goes away. I think about things, and I'm glad to be alive. I think about how I felt when I was depressed, and sometimes can even find it amusing. If there were actually reasons that caused me to be depressed, they can suddenly seem so small, trivial, fleeting, unimportant. Meaningless. The idea they could have any sway over me is ridiculous, and so I laugh.

As I say, these and many other things I tell myself when I'm depressed. I have a destiny, I'm strong, the Universe wants to beat me down, drive me mad, drive me to suicide, but I'm too strong, I'm too smart, I'm too determined to achieve my destiny. I have to be strong not only for myself, but for others. Friends, and people I'll never know, who should one day read what I write and enjoy it, but only if I live to write and publish it. My life will be good one day, will be just as I want it to be, and that time grows closer every day. Killing myself now would just be too easy… too comfortable… easy, I don't care if the Universe wins, I just want the easy way out. I don't want to be strong. I may feel joy again, but I'll also always, always feel great depression again and again.

And then when I'm happy, I am so happy to still be alive, and not to be depressed, and all the things I tell myself make sense again. Tell yourself when you're depressed, it probably won't work. Write it down when you're happy and read it when you're depressed, it probably won't work. Think of all you love in life, when you're depressed, and none of it really matters, you just don't care. You can't deal with depression. But if you're lucky, you can put up with it until it's gone again, get through it. And feel good for having survived it again. And again. And again.

April 20, 1998

…And recently, I've been less and less intensely and less and less often depressed, for many reasons, generally specific to my own case. I've never liked having professionals try to analyze and treat me. I'm far better at it myself. And I prefer talking to friends, and I've fallen in love with the perfect person for me, and she loves me too and helps immeasurably. And when I get depressed, anyway, the best reason not to kill myself is because I can think of nothing I'd hate more in all the Multiverse than to hurt my luv.

…Of course, all I say here is specific to my own case. It's observations I've had about myself over the years, and may or may not apply to anyone else in the world. You know you better than anyone else. That's the most important thing I can tell anyone: examine your own feelings and experiences, and figure out what's right or wrong for you. Just because someone's had years of medical training doesn't mean they could ever know you better than you know yourself. You are an individual, and even if you seem to fit long-established psychological patterns or profiles, any diagnosis could be wrong, could hurt you more than help….

The last couple paragraphs, I don't know when they were written, I guess I never wrote it down- or if I did, I've lost it- but anyway, I did a bit more editing August 31, 1999