Heart Day
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By: Selinthia & Hitman
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[The scene opens 100 years before the start of Homeland, with Malice, in her bedroom, brushing her long white hair fanatically. She's up to 200 strokes. This is, of course, where her vaunted "wonderful hair" that everyone of her generation envied her, came from. That and trademark shampoos.]

Malice: [unusually dreamy tone] I wonder if anyone is going to get me a Heart Day Present? Well, of course they will, otherwise, I'll *have* their heart. But that's besides the point.

[She hums dreamily]

Meanwhile. . . .

[Vierna, Dinin, and Maya are gathered in the throne room, discussing Heart Day. Briza, of course, is waiting around right near Malice's throne, so that when her mother enters, she can immediately start sucking up, and thus is not a part of this meeting.]

Dinin: [worried] What are we going to get her? I mean, she already has all those shampoos, and that's all she ever wants *recreationally.*

Vierna: [Being rather rebellious. Heart Day puts her in a bad mood.] I don't see why we should get her anything at all. She can be such a bitch.

Maya: [Malice isn't there right now, so she has *something* of a spine at the moment.] That's *why* we're getting her something. I mean, they don't call it Heart Day for nothing. I mean, remember the origin of Heart Day?

Dinin: Oh, sure. Some dude wanted to marry a priestess when it wasn't her idea to begin with. She ripped out his heart with her bare hands, and all the other clerics thought it was a good idea to make it tradition. Though where they got the idea to give mercy for great gifts I don't know.

Vierna: [sniffs] That's clerics secrets, and none of your business.

Dinin: How do you know? You won't be a full priestess for a century or so yet.

Vierna: [annoyed] I learnt it at the Academy. Now shut your hole!

Dinin: But there's more to it then what you learned at the Academy. But, I mean what's the point? Why make a big deal about it?

Vierna: [ getting mad ] You stupid males you just don't understand anything that has to do with the Heart, do you?!

[She reaches for her snake whip, but just as she's going to trash Dinin one right in the chops, Malice walks into the throne room and Briza starts fawning over her mother. The rest of Malice's kids could hear Briza fussing over their mother and they stopped the bickering and start planning on what to get Malice.]

Briza: Hello, Mother dearest. Well, aren't we looking fine this Heart Day?

[Malice was just about ready to vomit at the sweetness in Briza's voice.]

Malice: [sitting in her throne, thinking] "Lloth have mercy!" [speaking] So, my dear Briza, deciding to "fight fire with fire."

Briza: [devious] I have my gift for you with me, unlike certain parties. Would you like it now?

[She walks over to a small box and brings it over to Malice, kneels and hands it to her, smiling as she sees Malice's eyes lit up greedily.]

Malice: Oh, what have you brought me, Briza?

[Rips open the box and sees that there is a big dark cake in it with gems around the edges of it.]

Briza: [smiling] Go on, try it. You'll like it.

[Malice picks one of the gems from the cake and gently licks it with her dainty tongue. Her eyes lite up at the sweet taste of the cake that was on the gem.]

Malice: [pleasantly surprised] What is this? It's unlike anything I have ever tasted.

Briza: It's called a chocolate cake. I managed to get one from the surface world. A night time raid on a bakery. I added the gems myself. All this just for you, my much loved Mother.

[Dinin, Vierna, and Maya are listening in growing horror.]

Dinin: [aghast] We're doomed. How are we going to beat that gift?

[Just as they are about to scuttle out again, the double doors bang open, and in walks Zaknafein.]

Vierna: [Eyes following him, she whispers.] Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Dinin: Hopefully not.

Vierna: [mumbles] Idiot. He hasn't been around much lately, and Mother's feeling deprived of his company, if you know what I mean.

Dinin: Oh, we're supposed to fix them up!? That's not a good idea.

Maya: [considering] The Matron Mother would be most appreciative of such a gift. And what's the worst that could happen?

Dinin: [snickering] Plenty. I mean, last time, Vierna came out!

[Vierna scowls, grabs Dinin's ear, and drags him out of the throne room. Maya follows. Vierna then proceeds to beat the shit out of Dinin in the hallway. Any soldiers that pass ignore the scene. Frankly, a tension filled day as this is all over the city, they'd love to beat on someone themselves. In fact, it's been noted that the most random beatings take place on Heart Day in comparison to any other day of the drow year. However, there is an enforced "peace" of sorts in which no one but high priestesses may kill another drow on Heart Day. Afterwards, Dinin crawls away like a whipped dog, the pain blinding him to where he is going. He soon finds himself near the ruins of a forgotten House.]

Sudden Voice: Aww, poor child. Come, let me help you.

Dinin: [confused] WHH-ooo--aaa!?

[He passes out from blood loss. Sometimes later, he opens his eyes and finds himself resting peacefully in some out of the way room. Getting up with a start, he sees a box fall to his feet. Dinin bends low to pick it up, and sees a note fixed to the box.]

Note: Give this to Matron Malice, and you shall the most unforgettable male in the history of your House. Look not into the box, though, for it is charmed. -A friend.

[Dinin is unsure of what to do. He can feel the magic radiating from the box. It's a warm and gentle feeling, which was helping to set his mind to ease.]

Dinin: [confused, whispering as he fights to clear his mind] What am I to do? Where in the Nine Hells am I?

Dinin walks over to the door in the room, and puts his left ear to it, but it's too thick to hear anything, so with as much courage as he can muster, Dinin opens the door a mere fraction and he spied from it a drow male. After a moment, he realizes it's one of House Do'Urden's soldiers.]

Dinin: [thankful whisper, fear disappearing, and confidence returning] Praise be to Lloth!

[He boldly opens the door and smirks at the guard's look of disbelief, as the soldiers wonders how the House scion got into the room he'd been guarding for the last six cycles of Narbondel.]

Dinin: [relieved] At ease, soldier. You are doing a good job.

[He walks past the guard, who knows in his mind that he is not going to say a word of this to anyone. Who would believe him? Further up the hall, Dinin runs into Zaknafein.]

Zaknafein: [brooding] There you are, Dinin. Your mother has been waiting for her "gift" from you for sometime. You know how she acts on Heart Day.

[Dinin looks at the weapon master, seeing the look of disdain on his face. It was no secret that Zaknafein and his Malice hated one another, and that they have more then once warmed each other's beds. Usually at Malice's insistence.]

Dinin: [cocky] I bet she is. {smirk} Well don't worry, Zaky. I'll be there in a moment.

[Dinin's heart leaps with unbound joy as he sees the look of surprise register on Zaknafein's face, only to be replaced with hate at the mention of Malice's personal nickname for the weapon master. Rarely was it used in public. Zak's hands drop to his long swords. However, he is left with only one option, to snarl at Dinin, and stalk away. The enforced peace, of course, makes sure that he can't kill Dinin, not to mention that they are in public, and though slapping him around sounds good, Malice has summoned him to the throne room in haste, so he doesn't have time.]

Meanwhile. . .

[Malice looks down for her throne. Her gifts were nice, but not what she had hoped for. The door to the throne room opens and she sees Dinin walk in, his head held high and a smile on his face. Maybe his gift would be better then her other gifts were. But she doubts it.]

Dinin: You look stunning this Heart Day, Matron Mother.

[He walks up to Malice, who almost screams in shock as Dinin places a kiss on her forehead. Dinin then bows and holds out the box he had been carrying, looking down at the floor to hide the grin on his face at the thought of the shocked and outraged looks on his sisters and mother's faces. Malice takes the box from Dinin.]

Malice: What has come over you?

[Opening the box.]

Dinin:[confused] Nothing, Matron.

[He is starting to become fearful, however, because as soon as Malice took the box from his hands, the warm, safe, feeling was gone like sleep after some poured cold water on him. Malice opens the box and lets out a strangled gasp, her left hand over her mouth to keep from screaming in disbelief as she holds up what appears to be a very thin white nightgown that's made out of what looks to be silk, but is much softer.]

Malice: [shocked] Wha-wha- Where did ou get this?! Dinin, answer me!

[Vierna, Maya, and Briza look on, not understanding what is going on. Zaknafein starts walking away in untter fear, hoping that Malice's attention will remained focused on Dinin.]

Dinin: Ah, ah, eh, ahem, well, there was this, um, merchant, and she said that she had a good gift for this Heart's Day, and I asked her what would she suggest for a Matron Mother, and she handed me the box wrapped up, and said that what was in the box would make any Matron Mother happy.

[Malice settles back again, and sees Zaknafein walking towards the door.]

Malice: [snapping] Where do you thing you're going?!

Zaknafein: [empty tone] I have business to take care of at the Academy. If you'll recall, I was called back to teaching at Melee-Magthere.

Malice: [numb] You may go.

[Dinin takes the fact that he is still alive as a good sign and dares to speak up.]

Dinin: What's the big deal? It's just a nightgown.

[Malice jumps to her feet, so angry that everyone in the room wants to run.]

Malice: [just about insane] This is Melsafan, you stupid male! Do you know what that means! A "gift" from Lloth!

[She kicks him in the ribs with her spiked boot.]

Malice: [cont.] The one who receives this is fated, with in the hour she or he makes that recieval, to find their true love and bond with them!

[Zaknafein hears that last bit out in the hall. He sits down against the wall, and feels like throwing as a big a tantrum as Malice is putting on. For he had received a fine suit made from the same thing that Malice's nightgown was made from just an hour ago, found in his room. When he saw the box, at first he thought it was a silly joke on Malice's part but when he opened it, he knew there was no way it was her doing.]

Later. . . .

[The day is over, and Malice is sitting in her bedroom dressed in her "gift." She hears her door open.]

Malice: Get out!

[Senses that someone is still there, and turns around. Zaknafein is standing there.]

Malice: [snarling] What do you want!?

Zaknafein: We have a problem.

[Shows the "gift" that was given to him from the anonymous "benefactor." The pajama suit lays in his hands more gingerly than if it were soaked in poison.]

Malice: [aghast] Where did those come from!?

Zaknafein: [dryly] Well, it certainly wasn't from your son.

Malice: [a sudden grin splits her face, and she bursts out into laughter. Voice sputtering with mirth.] I sh-should hope n-not!

[A long moment goes by while Malice goes through a bit of hysteria. Zaknafein waits it out impatiently. ]

Malice: [catching her breath] Where did they come from?

Zaknafein: I'm sure you've considered that these "gifts" are meant to be more cruel practical jokes than anything. I'm sure even your precious Spider Queen needs a laugh once and a while.

[Malice scowls at him, all seriousness now as he spouts blasphemy. The sarcasm on "precious Spider Queen," that is.]

Malice: [stern] I have. Lloth is no goddess of affection.

Zaknafein: Perhaps she turned her sights on you in a manner you'd rather not have it. I am certain we are not destined to be eternal companions, and so are you. We need to remedy the situation.

[Malice nods thoughtfully, and they exchange a look.]

Meanwhile. . . .

[At Sorcere, Malice's second oldest child, the wizard Nalfein, is just finishing up summoning from another plane, the "perfect" gift for his dear Mother. He then prepares to depart for House Do'Urden to give it to her.]

Nalfein: Oh, this will be so great. I bet everyone else got pathetic gifts for her. And mine will be so great!

[He takes his gift along with him, walking along the walls. Suddenly, some woman appears before him.]

Woman: [muffled voice] You must give this letter to your Matron Mother. It is of urgent importance.

Nalfein: What, I--

[Suddenly, he feels as though his head is stuffed with cotton. The woman is gone, and the letter is in his hand. He looks about in confusion.]

Nalfein: What, huh?

[Nalfein ponders what just happened, and decides, head still feeling cotton-stuffed, that it would be best not to fail in this delivery matter, and makes his way home, not knowing what he's walking into.]

Meanwhile. . . .

[In pain, Dinin is slowly walking to his room, intending to lie down and mend as much as he can. His Mother's boot did a lot more damage than wasexpected. Dinin is sure that at least one of his ribs has been broken. Still in the hallway, Dinin sees Nalfein walking into the house with a letter in his hand and a Hellhound at his side.]

Dinin: [slightly gasping] Hello, brother. You should watch your step around Mother. She's been feeling a bit--how shall we say this-- *uptight* today.

[Dinin then wanders into his room. Nalfein scoffs, and walks to the throne room. When he enters, he sees Malice and Zaknafein having a rather animated discussion.]

Nalfein: [interrupting] Greetings, Matron Mother. Happy Heart's Day.

[Nalfein walks over and bows to the Matron. Malice, after the horrible nightgown experience with Dinin, regards her other son with sometrepidation as he gives his gift to her.]

Malice: [relieved] Why thank you, my son. It is by far the best gift of the day. Is it house broken?

Nalfein: It's trained.

[He hands her the Hellhound's steel chain, and the letter he was given for her. He fills her in about that, as well.]

[Malice opens the letter, and reads it.]

Letter: "Death comes quickly. Beware the dark forces around you."

Malice: [annoyed] Cryptic warnings may be all well and good for getting a bit of a drop on something, but what in the Nine Hells did she mean!? I need facts, not vagueness, for Lloth's sake!

[Nalfein shifts uneasily, Zaknafein rolls his eyes at Malice's melodramatic screaming, and Malice jumps up from her throne, tossing the letter to the floor in umbrage.]

Zaknafein: [snickering] Perhaps it was Lloth in disguise, come to advance the plot.

[Nalfein looks confused, and worried. Saying that sort of thing is *really* pushing your luck around a high priestess, no matter who you are. He is therefor shocked when Malice looks rather thoughtful.]

Malice: [musing] It wouldn't make sense, though. What would this sort of message have to do with that?

Zaknafein: Plots can be so tangled they double in one themselves, even practical jokes.

Malice: [to Nalfein] Did you say that you felt strange around the woman?

Nalfein: [cautious] I suppose so. Like there was a blanket in my head, or something.

Malice: Perhaps. Yochlol's have been known to take drow form.

[Suddenly remembers that Nalfein knows nothing about what's happening, never mind Zaknafein's theory about it.]

Malice: [snarling] Leave!

[Nalfein is all too happy to comply. As he rushes through the corridors, he sees Briza coming out of her room, mumbling.]

Briza: [blurry eyed] I need a glass of water. Better yet, wine. The strongest wine in the House. All that screaming. And when Vierna brought out her and Maya's gift. Idiots! What were they thinking?! Morons! Sacred food!? Huh? Chocolate covered spiders! [groans] All that screaming. . . .

[Nalfein gaps and hurries along before Briza notices him. He gets to the end of the corridor, near his room, when suddenly, two pairs of hands reach out and yank him into a storage room. He turns about, and sees Vierna and Maya.]

Nalfein: [recalling what Briza mumbled] Sacred food?

Vierna: [fuming] Shut up! Now, we need your help. The Matron Mother, and the Weapons Master are up to something. They have to be. Mother went to her room, and came back out about 15 minutes after she went in. Zaknafein was with her, and they were talking up a storm. Their usual communications usually never extend beyond screaming at each other, and smug or sarcastic comments.

Nalfein: I noticed. You can't live in this house, and not notice. But I know what you mean. I was in the throne room, and they were. . .*talking* there as well. It was weird. They were talking about Lloth plotting. Against them.

Maya: What?!

Meanwhile. . . .

[Lloth is watching her people from her web realm, wondering how she can have some fun with them. Roaming mentally through Menzoberranzan, she notices something.]

Lloth: What's this?

[She observes the conversation between Malice and Zaknafein, becoming interested.]

Lloth: [intrigued] They think that I was the one who send them the gifts, hmm?

[She smiles. She had nothing to do with it, but that does not mean that she is not willing to take the credit.]

Meanwhile. . . .

[In House Do'Urden itself, the conversation continues.]

Malice: Why do you think Lloth would do this to us?

Zaknafein: [sarcastic] Perhaps she wants to see us squirm. You have more of her ear than I, that is certain. Perhaps you can figure it out. I'll be heading back to Melee-Magthere. Perhaps I can figure out what the note was about.

[Zaknafein departs, and Malice fondly, absently, regards her new Hellhound. She wonders if perhaps her devotion to Lloth has not been deep enough for her her Goddess's satisfaction. She stands from her throne, and departs to attempt to find some way to figure out what is happening.]

Meanwhile. . . .

[Briza has just finished a lengthy visit with the wine cellar, and is walking back into her room. She sits on her bed, and starts to undress, when she notices a black box on the covers.]

Briza: [slurred voice] What's this?

[Opens the box, and finds another destiny nightgown item. They seem to be going around lately.]

Briza: [confused] Huh?

[Tries it on, and then looks down to see a letter lying on the bottom of the box. She takes it out and starts reading it.]

Letter: I hope that you like my gift. I've watched you from afar and wanted you, as I know you want me. --Dream Lover.

[Briza is thrilled to her soul by this revelation and falls into a drunken sleep, dreaming of her would-be lover, Matron Armgo.]

Meanwhile. . . .

[The current Patron to Matron Armgo, Uthgental, is in a bad mood, and he has the scars to prove it. He had told the Matron he was in love with her, but she had told him that as far as she was concerned, he was just breeding stock, and when he had shown his anger at this, she had whip him near to the point of death, then healed him somewhat, and sent him to his rooms. Now, at the foot of his bed, he sees a box. Opening it, there is a light grey pijama suit in from of him, and a note. Taking it up, he reads it.]

Letter: To my beloved. I have watched you for afar, and I am impressed with you. I have often wondered what it would be like to have you by my side. Come to me, beloved. --Briza Do'Urden.

[Uthgental is confused but pleased. He's seen Briza a few times, and been attracted to her, but ignored it out of loyalty to his Matron. At the moment, however, he's not feeling particularly loyal. So, he puts on his "gift" and then slugs his cloak back on over it, and leaves House Armgo.]

Later. . . .

[The guards of Houseb Do'Urden, rather bored, are talking amongst themselves, and playing dice, when a massively built drow that they recognize as the patron of House Armgo appears. They draw their weapons, readying for attack, when Uthgental crosses his arms in the drow signal of peace, and shows them another letter that he found in the pocket of his pajamas on the way. This one is sealed with the emblem of Daermon N'a'shezbaernon. It expresses instruction to take him to Briza, quietly, unless they wish to suffer extreme consequences.]

Meanwhile. . . .

[Maya, bored, is walking towards her room for a nap, when she sees the House guards marching around with a huge drow male. Maya runs to her room, and melts into a lust puddle.]

Meanwhile. . . .

House Guard: [to Uthgental] Wait here.

[Knocks on Briza's door.]

Briza: [slurred] Who's there?

Guard: The one you wanted.

Briza: Send her in.

[The guard mistakes this for "send him in" and opens the door, leaves with his fellow guards, not looking back. There are some things he does not want to know.]

Meanwhile. . . .

Briza: Shut the door, and come to me.

[Uthgental closes the door, strips, and goes over to her. Briza rolls over to look into the eyes of her true love. . . .]

Meanwhile. . . .

[Malice is summoning a spirit from another plane to try and find out some stuff about what's happening.]

Malice: Spirit of the beyond, I and others around me have been receiving strange gifts of destiny shaping nightclothes. Find out what is happening.

Spirit: [sour mutters] Why do I always get the raunchy cases? Destiny altering nightclothes? Come on. . . .My sister would like this so much better. She and cousin Lisa always were into that, but nooooooo, they get the historical cases, and I get the drow laungerie mystery. Wonderful, just wonderful.

Malice: Shut the hell up, and go do it!

Spirit: [sulky] Oh, fine!

Meanwhile. . . .

[Briza has just noticed who is in bed with her. Or rather, who isn't.]

Briza: [shocked] What the fuck!? Who are you!?

Uthgental: [surprised] What? What are you talking about?

Briza: Get out of my bed, you Lloth be damned male!

Uthgental: But, but you sent the jammies, and the letter, you did.

[Briza snatches up her whip. It hisses at him.]

Briza: [shrieking] Out!

[Uthgental is by this time rather confused, jumping out of Briza's bed, pulls on his leggings with amazing speed, and then feels the bite of Briza's whip across his back. This motivates the Armgo to run out of the room as quickly as he can, leaving most of his clothing, and the letter that brought him there, in the room. Briza screams obscenities after his form.]

Briza: [seething with fury] What in Lloth's name is going on around here?

[She throws down her whip, but a moment later, she decides that her need for spilt male blood has not be slaked and reaches down to pick up the snake whip again. Before she can though, she notices the letter on the floor. Picking it up, she begins to read. Several moments more, and she drops the letter in horror. A few minutes of utter confusion, and then she gives up on deciding what to do, walks briskly to the wine cellars, and proceeds to drink so much wine that she passes out, bottle in, mind still furiously moving in a vain attempt to erase the memory of the male's presence so close to her.]

Meanwhile. . . .

[Uthgental is staggering through the halls of House Do'Urden. The poison from Briza's snake whip has worked it's way into his blood stream, and he has no idea where he is going. Finally, unable to go on, he hits the ground with a meaty thud.]

Meanwhile. . . .

[Maya, suffering from insomnia is amusing herself with some daydreams put to paper, when she hears something at her door, sounding like a knock and a thud. Snake whip in hand, she opens to door to find a massive, unconscious, strange drow male, the one she saw earlier in the night, no less.]

Maya: [delighted] Well, what have we here?

[She reaches down to see if the male is still alive. To her joy, he is still breathing. She reaches down to drag him into her room, when she hears him muttering.]

Uthgental: Briza. . . .

Maya:[confused] What would she be doing with a male?

[Briza's almost psychotic hatred of all things male is rather exceptional amongst any circle of drow females. Maya sighs, and gives one more try at pulling Uthgental into her room, and is just about successful when a pair of House guards, making their rounds, come across the situation.]

Maya: [much more confident commanding common soldiers than she is doing anything around her actual family] Don't just stand there, you useless drider spawn! Help me with him!

[The guards look at each other, and then go about the task of dragging the unconscious male into Maya's bedchambers.]

Maya: [most menacing voice she can muster] If you so much as think about saying *anything* to anyone about this incident, I will personally see to it that you will see the face of Lloth much sooner than either of you ever planned!

[The guards move to leave, but Maya pulls out her whip and soundly thrashes them with it.]

Maya: Now get out! And send for the common Healer!

[Guards crawl out groveling. Maya's timidly around her family is well known, and is secretly called "the littlest spider" amongst the commoners of House Do'Urden. However, these drow are now remembering that even the smallest spider can bite. As soon as they are out of the room, they run to find the healer.]

Maya: [looking over her new toy] Aren't we a big one?

[She begins to prepare him for the healer, fingers tracing over him with unnecessary detail.]

Meanwhile. . . .

[A rather miffed and very frustrated Zaknafein has been trying in vain to find something, anything, on who or what has been sending the latest in drow fashion statements to people in House Do'Urden. Asking subtle questions to suspicious seeming students to begin with, and then progressing through the directness. When he fails to acquire answers, he kills the student in order to keep any wild rumors from starting. It's expected that some students will not live through the Academy anyway, but when you're learning from the best, the unfit disappear even more quickly, so very few questions indeed are likely to be asked about the sudden influx in dead bodies.]

Meanwhile. . . .

[Malice is relaxing in a bath with hot oils, slowly washing her hair in the latest of luxury shampoos, Essence of Rothe. It's good, but not as good as Club Moss of Lloth. Still, it makes for a distraction from all the craziness around her of late. The Hellhound is asleep beside the tub, enjoying the warmth in the air. The 'hound lets out a satisfied sigh as carnivorous dreams run through it's mind. Malice hears the sigh of the hellhound and reaches out to scatch the hound's belly with her long nails, wishing that she could be as satisfied herself. Suddenly, the spirit that she had summoned earlier appears before her. Malice screeches with outrage.]

Malice: What is the meaning of this intrusion!?

Spirit: [enjoying it's revenge for being summoned to such an undignified mission] I thought you'd like to know if I have dug up anything on the fashion issue. I would knock if I could knock, of course, but having no body makes it rather difficult on the Prime Material Plane. Do you have any idea how hard it is just to--

Malice: Just get the point!

Spirit:[feigning shock at the rude treatment] Fine, be that way. You have no idea what I have to endure just to do what ignorant summoners ask of me.

Malice: [jumping up in the tub] IF YOU DO NOT TELL ME WHAT YOU HAVE FOUND, I WILL SEND YOU TO THE LOWEST PITS OF THE NINE HELLS!!!

Spirit: [rolling it's "eyes"] Okay, okay.

[The Spirit glances over at the Hellhound, who had started growling the moment that Malice began screaming. The spirit twists it's form into that of an unimaginable horror, which sends the Hellhound yipping in fear to a far corner of the room.]

Spirit: [resuming speech] Nothing. I've found nothing.

Malice: [dumbfounded] What?

Spirit: [verbally shrugging] Just what I have said. I searched high and low, and I have been unable to find out who is sending you the nightclothes. Perhaps if you summon a demond, you'll have more luck. They're always more eager anyway, on the off chance they can break free and wreak havoc on the mortal plane.

Malice: [disgusted] Get out of my sight!

Spirit: [condescendingly] As you wish.

[It starts to fade back the to the spirit realm as Malice releases it from it's bonds]

Spirit: [distant voice] You might want to cover up, dear. You'll catch your death of cold.

[Malice sinks back into tub, right under the water, struggling to keep her sanity.]

Meanwhile. . . .

[Since Maya doesn't have the advanced learning yet to perform full healings, and she does not want to involve her sisters or mother, obviously, she summoned the standing Healer of the commoners of House Do'Urden. Nervein has been the common Healer for almost eight hundred years, and is over 900 herself.]

Maya: [excited] Will he live?

Nervein: [smiling knowingly] I believe so.

[She starts to undress Uthgental.]

Nervein: [cont'] I have purged the poison from his body. He will need time and rest to completely recover, of course. I caution you not to put the male under any undue stress during that time.

[She directs a meaningful look at Maya, who ignores it in her enthusiasm.]

Maya: [overjoyed] You have served me well.

[She hands Nervein a bag of gold.]

Maya: [cont'] I trust you will be discrete in this matter?

Nervein: [amused] But, of course.

Maya: [smiling] You are dismissed.

[After Nervein has left, Maya walks over to the slumbering drow and starts to look him over, rubbing healing salve on him with a skilled touch.]

Maya: [anticipating] It is only a matter of time before you are mine.

Meanwhile. . . .

[After Maya had wandered away in shocked incredulousness from Vierna and Nalfein, those two had gone into one of the House's many living rooms. It is now the next day, Narbondel's cycle complete some hours past, and the two are rather exhausted, but comfortable, getting along better than they even have in the mystery of current circumstances.]

Vierna: So, why would they think that Lloth is plotting against them?

Nalfein: For the last time, I don't know. All I do know is that things seem rather strange lately. I haven't seen much, but I just get the feeling.

Vierna: So do I. . .

[Suddenly, the common Healer, Nervein, walks by the open door of the living room. The eyes of both brother and sister narrow in interested suspicion as she passes by. After she's gone, Vierna turns to Nalfein.]

Vierna: Now, was that suspicious, or what?

Nalfein: It was suspicious.

Vierna: I thought so, too. I wonder what she's up to?

[Nalfein shrugs. He doesn't care. He's going back to Sorcere tomorrow anyway.]

Meanwhile. . . .

[Nervein walks out of the Nobels quarters, and into the commoners section, at the back left side of the compound. She hums as she enters her private quarters. She smiles in a kindly manner, and draws a sigil on the floor, speaking arcane words cheerfully. Spirit appears in a moment more.]

Nervein: Is it done?

Spirit: Of course. It was difficult to resist the conflicting pulls, but your superiors mastery overcame the Matron's attempt to pry the information from you.

Nervein: You mean that I got you first. She, of course, doesn't know who is doing it.

Spirit: [abashed pause] Well, you could put it that way too, I suppose.

Nervein: Of course. Now, how goes the results?

Spirit: Well, I was able to draw upon the added strength you gave me, and take solid form for several minutes each time. The boy Dinin gave his Matron the nightgown. I planted the jammies in the weapon master's chambers myself, appearing in the chamber, and leaving corporal form as soon as I delivered them. The wizard delivered the note, and Uthgental received the box. Net result--chaos and crankiness.

Nervein: Good, very good. If you're a good little spirit, I may consider releasing you next century!

Spirit: [sourly] Oh goodie!

Nervein: Don't pout, child. It's unbecoming. Now, go along to the spirity realm for your rest. I'll be calling you again soon.

[The spirit disappears with a sigh.]

Nervein: [to self] Now I shall teach my grandson what it means to ignore my advice. I was never one for snake whips and screaming myself. It's all very tiresome. But I found that a good prank could accomplish what a dozen beatings could not. And nine centuries has given me time to hone my skills.

[She takes up a painted portrait of herself, some centuries younger, and a young drow male of three decades, staring at it in disappointment.]

Nervein: [clucking her tongue] I told you not to get involved with that girl Malice, but you wouldn't listen, would you? No, you always were one to go your own foolish way, Zaknafein. But you're old grandma's got a lesson in her for you yet. You'll see.

[Nervein then collapses into the obligatory maniacal laughter]

Later. . . .

[At the Academy, Zaknafein is rather frustrated. The small pile of drow bodies is starting to get on his frayed nerves. He's gone though more than twenty of his students in a futile attempted to find out who or what was sending the Underwear of Fate, but not one of the " failed " students was able to provide him with the information that he seeks. The weapons master decides he has had enough of his students for one day. He walks out of the room.]

Zaknafein: [outside room, the another student.] Clean up the mess.

[The student goes inside the room, and goggles in shock.]

Student: [fervent] Thank Lloth I wasn't called in!

Later. . . .

[At House Do'Urden, Vierna wakes up to find a box sitting nearby. Dinin, in his room, also finds a box. Wandering out of their rooms, they meet each other in the hall.]

Dinin: [futily resisting confession] I've always wanted you.

Vierna: Just shut up and kiss me, you idiot male!

Meanwhile. . . .

[Uthgental, in Maya's room, is opening his eyes. Awaken now, confused and weakened, he asks the traditional questions.]

Uthgental: Where am I? What happened?

Maya: Well, it's about time you woke up. Why where you with Briza?

Uthgental: [shuddering at the memory] I was lead to believe that she wanted me as a mate, and so I left my House for her, and now I have no house, no family, no anything! I am an outcast now! Why did you save me for? Do you know who I am?

Maya: [smug] Yes, I know who you are. You are mine! I saved your worthless life!

[She walks up to Uthgental.]

Maya: [very suggestive] I have many tasks for you.

[Smiling as she lightly traces his jaw line.]

Maya: I'm sure you'll not fail me.

Uthgental: [resigning to the moment] Of, course mistress.

[He reaches up and gently messages the spot behind Maya's left, delicately pointed, ear.]

Maya: [husky voice] Good!

Later. . . .

[A week has passed since Zaknafein has returned to Melee Magthere, and he is in one foul mood. He's taken some time now to House Do'Urden to report on his "findings."]

Zaknafein: [pissed off to the max] Malice, no one at Melee Magthere has any idea as to what is going on and I an just about at my wit's end.

[He absently fingers the hilts of his long swords.]

Malice: [just about to snap into insanity] I know what you mean! Someone is going to pay dearly for this outrage!

Zaknafein: I have still found nothing to explain this. [pauses a moment] Have you seen your [brats] kids around here as of late?

Malice: No, I have not.

[Thinks about that herself for a moment and decides to summon them. She calls the House Page, who runs off to get the House Scions.]

Later . . . .

[Maya walks into the throne room, carrying the end of the chain that is arching to a spiked leather collar about Uthgental's neck. Maya savagely enjoys the shocked, outraged silence as Zaknafein and Malice see her and her new "pet" enter the throne room.]

Maya: [amused] You wanted to see me, Matron Mother?

Malice: [outraged] What in the Abyss is he doing here!?

Zaknafein: [outraged] What in the Abyss is he doing here!?

[Zaknafein unsheathes his long swords, Malice raises her snake whip. Uthgental, though, crosses his arms in the drow peace gesture. He then proceeds to explain how he came to be in Maya's service. Just as he finishes, Vierna and Dinin enter the chapel anteroom, hand in hand, saying all sorts of sappy and romantic things to each other. They then share a kiss so sweet that the people observing them wish to hurl their guts. Even Malice's poor Hellhound is not immune to the site. It whimpers off into the corner to rid itself of it's breakfast of Half-Chewed Champions.]

Malice: [ashen] What is going on with you two?

[She then notices the boxes in their hands. The same boxes that have been raising merry hell over the last while. Just before Vierna and Dinin began to explain their "version" of events, Briza stumbles into the room, dead drunk.]

Briza: [in a drunken fury at the sight of Uthgental] You damnable male! What are you doing here!?

[She reaches for her snake whip, and starts waving it around drunkenly, missing Uthgental by a mile. Zaknafein knocks the drunken Briza down and pins her to the floor, his boot to her throat. He grins rather sharkishly down at her.]

Malice: Let her go, Zaknafein.

Zaknafein: When she cools off, I will.

Briza: [forcing herself to relax] All right, all right! You can get off of me!

[Zaknafein takes his foot from Briza's throat and slowly backs away, keeping his hands on his long swords. Just in case.]

Malice: [forcing herself to calm] Tell me what has happened, each of you. I will listen, and then we shall decide what to do about it.

Briza: [wrinkling her brow in thought] I was sleeping, when I rolled over. There was that damnable Armgo male in bed with me. Naked!

[Briza starts looking for her snake whip, which was lost when Zaknafein had knocked her down.]

[Malice stares daggers at Uthgental, who is just keeping quiet, planning what to say to keep himself alive.]

Malice: Is this true?? Speak up, or I'll have your head on a spike!

Uthgental: I was in my room after a *misunderstanding* with Matron Armgo, when I had found a small black box with a set of fine silken pj's, and a sealed letter telling me that I was wanted by Briza Do'Urden as a lover.

[Now, it was Briza's turn to be sick, and she runs to find a place to throw up. Malice's and Zaknafein's eyes go wide in shock as it takes them a few minutes to wrap their brains around this bit of info.]

Meanwhile. . . .

[Nervein sneaks into the throne room, just in time to see Briza run to a corner and up-chuck her liquid lunch. Staying in the shadows Nervein watches as all of her effort and labor comes into fruition.]

Malice: [flustered and not thinking clearly] Fine, Uthgental. You can stay, but by your word, you are loyal to Maya in person, and myself in ruling.

Uthgental: Yes, Matron Mother. Of course, Matron.

[Maya grins at him. Briza's face glows white in the heat vision.]

Briza: [furious] No fucking way is that damn staying! I'll kill him!

[Briza starts running toward Uthgental, but before even he can do anything, Maya who stops her sister cold in her tracks, with a nice upper-cut that puts Briza back on the floor. Everyone else watches in a shock.]

Maya: [cold and deadly] You even think about laying a hand on my male, and I'll have your heart for dinner with a club moss salad!

[Maya gives Briza a bone-crushing boot to the shock face, braking her nose in a spray of blood. She then smiles nastily and brandishes her snake whip.]

Maya: [flat voice] Go ahead, make my Narbondel cycle.

[Maya starts in at her sister who stars back at "Spineless Maya" in shock. All others are watching in breathless anticipation. Briza, shocked out ofher drunken rage, stares into her little sister's eyes. Instead of the panic she expects to see, there's a flat cold darkness that chills Briza.]

Briza: [trying to save face] If the lowly idiot male means so much to you, sister, you can have him!

[She spins around to exit the throne room in proper huffy fashion, but before she gets to the door, she sees Nervein. Nervein, catching her gaze, knows she's been seen.]

Briza: What are you doing here!?

[Nervein walks out of the shadows with a patented "frightened old lady" look on her face.]

Nervein: I heard there was some trouble here, and came to see if I could be of use.

[Malice, listening, doesn't buy it, but decides to play along.]

Malice: And who told you this?

Nervein: The House Page. He was on his way out of the House, and saw me. He was rather frightened for the safety of the nobles, and thought perhaps they needed someone to calm matters. So I came.

[Malice is not convinced, but it is possible.]

Malice: Very well. When he returns, we will ask him about this. Now--

[She doesn't get the chance to finish, because Dinin and Vierna have gotten so loud in their kissy face games that the Matron notices.]

Malice: [screaming at them] What the fuck are you doing?!

[She jumps down off of her throne, and stalks over to her children, snake whip brandished. She's about to give both of them the thrashing of their lives, possibly the end of their lives, when Zaknafein, who would not have minded their end, but decides that things are getting out of hand, stops her.]

Zaknafein: They cannot help themselves, Malice. It's. . .fate. . .and all that.

[He doesn't believe that. Malice, though, grits her teeth and decides to listen to him. Slowly, ever so slowly, she backs away.]

Nervein: [thinking] Damn, this is good!

Dinin: [lustfully looking at Vierna] Would you like to open our gifts now?

Vierna: Sure. Why not

[They open the boxes. Zak and Malice are talking to each other. Maya is tired, so she tells Uthgental to put her on his shoulders. Briza is being healed of her hangover by Nervein. Suddenly, there comes a moan that starts out low, and works it's way up into a soul-shattering shriek. Everyone just about damn near jumps out of their skins.]

Dinin: [shocked] No! No!

Vierna: This can't be happening! It's your fault!

[She throws her box down and starts beating on Dinin, who actually retaliates, and to hell with law.]

Dinin: [screaming] You're worse than an alley viper!

[They end up actually killing each other before anyone bothers to intervene. In the boxes that fall to the floor are dead spiders, symbols of doom. Malice snaps at the sight of the box and starts ranting, but is cut off as Zaknafein suddenly, without warning, rams one of his long swords though her back. Deathly silence descends upon the room.]

Zaknafein: [off the deep end due to stress] Happy belated Heart Day, bitch.

[Slowly pulls his sword out.]

Malice: Damn you, you bast-t-t-

[She dies, but her Hellhound comes charging at Zak, who just waits for it. As it lunges at him, he cuts it's head off. The body lands with a wet thumping sound, the head hits the ground and bounces for a few seconds before coming to a stop, the hound's eyes are a dull light which quickly drains away. Briza snaps out her shock and pulls a dagger. She starts running at Zaknafein, who shrugs and decides to kill her too.]

Maya: [watching] To hell with this! Come on, Uthy, we're leaving.

Uthgental: Sure.

[They leave Menzoberranzan, take up residence in a cave somewhere and have lots of kids. But that's another story.]

Meanwhile. . . .

[Zaknafein has finished choppy up Briza. He turns around and sees Nervein standing behind him, smiling.]

Zaknafein: What in the Abyss are you smiling about?

Nervein: Well, my boy. I told you that Malice was no good.

[She walks over to the Matron Mother's body and kicks it.]

[Zaknafein, who hasn't seen his grandmother since he was just a couple decades old, doesn't recognize her current, ultra-wrinkled appearance. Thus, he's completely confused as to why this person is speaking to him lke she knows him. Nervein disappeared centuries ago, coming back centuries later, with a new name. He doesn't know any of this except for the fact that his grandmother, who raised him, disappeared centuries ago.]

Zaknafein: Who are you?

Nervein: Here, look at this.

[She hands him the painting of this that we viewed earlier on in the skit.]

Nervein: I told you not the get mixed up with Malice, that she'd bring you nothing but misery. But would you listen? No! Well, I hope you've learned your lesson. Everything that has happened here has happened by my design! I hope you've learned your lesson, boy!

[Zaknafein, who's in a rather stunned state of mind, doesn't realize that he's struck out at her until after it happens. She smiles nastily at him, and falls to the floor, her throat torn out. Zaknafein, stunned, starts looking around as he realizes that he's completely destroyed everyone around him. No, wait, she did. But she did it because of him. But that doesn't matter. But he killed them all. Oh damn it, what's going on here? Damm, damn, damn! He starts howling and running around, planning to kill all drow in his rather seperated mind. The campaign is lain out. He grins with a nastiness equal to Nervein's last look, rocks on his heels, and laughs.]

end