Monday January 3, 2005,
5:30a
     New Year's eve Friday night - Saturday Morning. The evening was like all the other ones. Watch the teley, go out on the back porch and smoke a last cig, listen to a few of the fireworks and watch a couple light up toward the mountains, check the doors, look in the laundry room, check the stove, kitchen faucets, oven, fig door, turn out the kitchen light, look at the oxygen machine, check the heating pad, get the portable phone, turn out the den lights, walk down the dark hall to the front bedroom, go to the bathroom, lay out the sleeping mat blankets, read and then go to sleep.
     Wake up to fireworks about 10 to midnight. Sort-of doze and sleep the rest of the night. Get up about 5:30 and do the normal kitchen cereal eating morning routine, go do the hair washing and shaving, then lay back down and wait for Mom to get up.
     New Year's Day, Saturday.
     I must have done a few other things that morning but it was mostly doing the traditional New Year day cooking. Fixed the hog jowls and some of the smoked bacon that Dan sent, the house smelled of fried smoked meat the rest of the day, turnip greens and blackeye peas. Mom fixed a pone of cornbread. She had one of her hurting stomach mornings so that's about all she did. She just wanted some cornbread and buttermilk for lunch. I fixed that for her and took it to her room. Then I fixed my bowl of greens, peas and fried meat and went in there to eat also.
     That afternoon I watched old cowboy movies, a couple of Clint Eastwood's. The big event was to wash some of the kitchen curtains the ones over the sink. I had got them two or three Christmas' ago. I did that in the labortory sink in the laundry room. The water just kind of turned black as they were soaked and washed and wringed out. I took them down to the clothes washing place by the creek to run them through the dryer. Got back from there, set up the ironing board in the laundry room and ironed them, Then hung them back up over the kitchen sink. At least I know they've been cleaned once.
     Mom stayed in bed the afternoon. She worn one of the house robes or house dresses or whatever it was I got her for Christmas. I left about 4:00 to make my ride around town. Drove up town and through the old neighborhood. Of course made a stop-by at my house just to say I was there the first day of another year.
     I think Mom sat up in the den to eat and had some of the greens and peas. But that's about all she did and went to lay back down. I just watched the usual shows and did the normal evening going to bed routine.
     Sunday the next day.
     Sunday morning started out like it was suppose to ... at least till I went out to smoke the first cig. There was ... some incident in the neighborhood I had to help out with but I'm not going to talk about it. It didn't go all that well, I gave up and left it for them to figure out and it ended without me. Just like everything else when I try to help it doesn't work out till I leave.
     The rest of Sunday was more watching the teley, the McLaughin group, parts of old movies and then the afternoon ride. Mom still stayed in bed, her cold had come back.
     Last evening she called Robert, I guess, I didn't hear the phone ring but I was cleaning up in the front bathroom. She talked with him some and then I did. Everything seems to be like always with him and his family. He told that they rented all the Lord of the Ring movie DVDs and watched them New Years. Twelve or fourteen hours. They dressed up as some of the characters too. I hadn't even heard of people doing that before. The talk was mostly the usual things other than that.
     So this is the first entry of the next new year. .... I think it's getting old already.

Monday January 24, 2005
4:15a
     I was so sure that I had made an entry since the first one this year. But obviously not. It was all in my head, phantom, pseudo thoughts. Now I don't remember the things that have happened since then.
     Saturdays and Sundays are still the same routine with the outtings up to Holly Springs cemetery. Everything is routine. Well I did go in to work a couple of Saturdays trying to get some projects wrote up. The first time I had forgotten that the computer people were going to update some parts of the system and that it was down for that maintence. That turned out to be a waste.
     Leander has been up a couple of times; one was to do some house cleaning. I don't know why she feels like she needs to do that. I had gotten here one day after work and ended up moving the sofa and chair in the den. She came up one time to fix up Mom's hair.
     Haven't heard much from or about DM's family. I guess everything is the same with them too.
     Work again. The time sheets have changed, they're a full page now instead of cards. I heard Lawrence mention that to Darlyne and wondered what that meant. So I wrote up a bunch of activity codes, a number for most every thing one does during the day. Ended up with 55 codes. That generated a series of emails.
     The weather has been extra cold for a few days now. This was after the two or three weeks of extra warm weather. Maybe this weekend will be the last really cold spell of winter.
     Robert called or Mom called him, I think that was the first week of the year. Everything is the same with him and his family. Daniel sent email the other day, it was one of those short ones just telling how cold it was up in New York. Frances sent one too and it was about her and Steve's wedding plans.
     This is the first time I've been up early in several weeks. I have been sleeping or at least resting after waking up till 5:30 and 6:00. I just don't have any reason to get up early anymore so I just lay on the floor and let the time go by now. This morning it was because I had to get up and pee after drinking lots of juice yesterday. I felt like a cold was starting yesterday morning so I went out and bought grape juice and orange juice and drank about half of each.
     I know there are things I had thought of writing about. But they've faded away over the last three weeks. Some of it was politcal stuff I guess. The January 20th thing is over and done with now. The message boards were extra active with the b--- supporters gloating. It's their attitude that is most worrisome. To the victor goes the spoils and the gloating. It's really just not looking good for the future.
     There was one brief glimpse in one of the news coverage. It show a huge cake in the shape of the white house with slices being cut out of it at one of the balls. All that reminded me of the Godfather movie where one of the Cuba crime bosses was retiring. He had a cake made up in the shape of Cuba and as he gave other crime bosses control over some their activites there he was slice off a piece of Cuba and give it to them.
     The rich and powerful are the lords and princes of the States. They have been for a really long time now.

Saturday January 29, 2005
1:10p
     A few days last week, not this past week but the one before, I felt like a cold was coming on. So by Tuesday of this past week it had arrived and I left work at noon that day. Stayed here at Mom's house (well where else would have I gone? my refrigerated home?) the rest of that day, Wednesday and Thursday. I didn't get out to do much of anything Tuesday and Wednesday; just sit in the den or lay on the floor in the front bedroom. It gets really tiresome after awhile of just laying down.
     Today I think Mom is already catching it again. She had one a few weeks ago. So maybe I caught it from her and she wont get it back. But one of the men at work had had a cold recently too so that may be what's going around. Anyway, Mom's been in bed most all morning and this afternoon so far. She's not getting up unless she has too.
     Thursday I was starting to get over the worst of it so I started getting things done that I normal do today. Things like washing clothes, which included the sheets, pillow case, towels and the winter coats I had been wearing. Took all that along with the normal clothes down to the washing place by the creek and did two washers full.
     The coats had already gotten that full of stale smoke smell. I was in line at the bank one day earlier and a young lady at the counter mentioned something about smoking to her boyfriend. He sniffed his shirt sleeve and then turned around to look in my direction. That happened one time a the dentist's office too. So us smokers have always been the outcasts, it's just getting more obivous.
     Stopped by the grocery place to get a few things that would get us though the weekend while there too. Now the weekend has started and it doesn't look like there's any food in the frig.
     Why all the rush to do Saturday's chores on Thursday after being sick? Cause it's snowing, sleeting, and icying here today. There's been some snow on the ground since I got up. Maybe an inch or so. The misty and freezing has already started some too. Just a little, off and on, so far. But the main part of the storm is suppose to pass over later this afternoon and night. It looks spotty on the weather radar, coming in waves like they say on the tely. But of course I just dread any kind of storm that might take out the electricity.
     I tried starting the generator a couple of weeks ago, while it was warm. I couldn't get it started and just didn't have the courage to try and figure out what was wrong. The last time I missed a switch somewhere. This time maybe it's cause I left some gasoline in it all last summer. Besides, you know, if I start to try and fix something it just gets worse and never working right. Besides again, I'm still scared to really use the thing. Would have to run that extension cord through the kitchen window and block up the cracks there. Worry about getting electrocuted or damaging the oxygen machine because it wasn't real electricity. And having to go fill it up every three hours.
     So what do I end up doing. It's wintery weather headed this way and no way out. I always rationalize it all by telling myself I will just call EMS or the rescue people to come and get Mom and take her to the hospital where they have oxygen.
     Mrs Hunt left last night to go stay with one of her daughters. She called up here to let me know and to keep an eye on her house. Mentioned something about her not having any backup heat. So, neither do we. Don't think the Pitmans have any thing either. He's been on oxygen too for about a year, maybe just six months, I can't keep track of time anymore. I so a light there this morning, but not last night. So I guess they are still tuffing it out. The Mcarters are having the roof of their house done. The workers skipped a couple of days last week, to work another job I guess, so part of their unfinished roof is getting snowed, iced and rained on.
     Mom got a bulb plant from Mrs Pittman this Christmas. I planted it shortly after the first of the year. It grew really long stalks, they must be two feet high. It's an Amaryllis and has big orangish-red blossoms. They finally bloomed during last week. The pot it came with didn't have a drain hole. After read what I could find on the internet about the plant I learned it was suppose to have one. So I swapped with one that Dad probably had used, one from the greenhouse, but Mom's gotten so many plants over the years it may just be one of those pots. I made some pictures of it this morning and will upload them to the web site for the rest of the family to see.
     Work has actually been busy for a change. Or more likely I've been making myself do more work, will not quite, there's really projects to work on instead of make my own work type work. It has been about dropping a boxed tool, gasoline engine trimmer, and measuring the impact force. It has been about FEA work on the handle to make changes so it doesn't break after being dropped. It's all about the powers that be wanting to use a cheaper packaging method too.
     As far as I know Leander, DM and others are doing like always. Nothing out of the ordinary I guess and that's always good. Well Lucille called Mom one day and talked about having her other eye surgery in the next few weeks or couple of months. Mom had learned from the Shady Groove news that Graham had been falling, or had a fall. Now this past week in the Sentinel it's mentioned them thinking about moving to be with there son. Graham is really attached to that old house and all the stuff he's collected. He really didn't what to change anything. It didn't matter much that it was putting a strain on Aruie, or rather more stain that she needed since she hadn't been about to get around in the house for a long time now.
     So that's all for now again. Maybe I can really put more effort into writing here more often ... like I use too. But you know, my life is nothting to write about except moaning and groaning stuff and no one wants to read about that.
     Well one last thing. That political message board is still ... populated by a bunch of self-center, self-serving, know-it-alls or so they think. The States are doomed because of them as much as any terrorists. Politicans and political types have always been terrorists.

Sunday February 6, 2005
7:50p
     So last Saturday's snow/sleet/ice storm passed without much here. Just lots of worry about what could happen. Of course that's not how it ended.
     That evening after it looked like it was all over, the icing part, we went on to bed like always. The icy started early evening but it looked like it wasn't going to be bad. So that part was all over with.
     About 11:00 or a few minutes after I was half asleep and heard a hard thump. I got my pants on and went down the hall. Mom was laying on the floor in the bathroom. When I got her mostly sitting up I saw the blood on the left temple and her forehead on that side was already puffed out. It looked really, really bad.
     I manage to get her up some how and back to her bed. There was some running around between the kitchen and bathroom and her room. That was me trying to figure out what needed to be done. I called the ems people, what else.
     They managed to get her before 12:00. I don't remember how much time had passed. Seems like about that time. They do their things here and look around the house to decide how they were going to get her out. It was down the hall and out the front door.
     I asked about the roads and they said they were in good shape. Not much ice at all. So after they leave with Mom I close up the house and drive the truck up to the hospital.
     At the waiting room area I give them the cards and sign a couple of papers like always. Then it's just sit around and wait. Go outside and smoke. Go back inside and wait. Watch the stupid saturday night live skits, at least I guess that's what it was.
     A young couple arrived there, she had fallen in the house and twisted her ankle. I guess that's what it was. Two young men came in later but I don't know what one of them's problem was.
     After I while I get to go back and sit with Mom. That was after they had done everything like xrays and cat scans. Nothing was broken and the cat scan was ok. So it was just a bad fall and a really bad hit on the head. They send her back home. I was sure they would keep her for at least the rest of the night. But they don't do anything like that anymore.
     I had to drive back to Mom house to get her car. Get it cranked up and warmed up. Load up the oxygen tanks and blankets and all that. Smoke a couple more cigs in the process. Then drive back up to the hospital to get her. It was getting on to 3:30 Sunday morning by then.
     After getting her back home and into the den she decided she wanted some soup so I fixed that for her. I tryed cleaning up her head wound some. The ems room people didn't do anything but put a bandade on it. Then it was sit around a few minutes then she goes lay down.
     I think I went ahead and did my washing and shampooing and shaving before I laid back down on the floor. I just sort of laid and wait for time to pass by. It wasn't any real sleep.
     Sunday was spent mostly laying on the floor in the front bedroom. Get up to fix something to eat for lunch then lay back down. I may have managed a trip over to my house late afternoon but I don't remember now. Other wise it was just hang around Mom's house more than usuall.
     The week was spent fretting about going to work, not having anyone to be with Mom, staying in the mornings till she had her breakfast and go back to bed. Leander and DM came up Tuesday. They both brought food and Leander fixed a meatloaf that afternoon. I think I stayed home that day too, I know I did one day last week.
     Mom stays in bed all the time now. She's sat in the den a couple of evenings but that's all. She use to sit in the den and sleep in her chair.
     So that's part of mostly what happened this past week.

Monday February 21, 2005
7:05p
     Another two weeks ... gone ... kaput ... fini.
     Mom started to be up and about more last week. It had looked like the fall and flu-cold-whatever crisis was ending. She has started eating her breakfast at the kitchen table since she can't carry her tray into the den while using her walker. She had been talking a bit more too, but that may be just because I sit with her while she eats.
     She made an appointment with her regular doctor for prescriptions. That was Friday. I think her extra activity may have had something to do with that. She perked up some with have something to get ready for maybe. I sat with her in the examination room this time. The nurse sort-of closed the door but I was planning to stay anyway.
     The doctor wants ... oh well ... insert a bunch of stuff here that really shouldn't be here about someone else's health. ... It's really just not going well.
     ...
     Today I spent the time at work juggling input numbers to a finite element analysis. Too many numbers, too many combinations, it's all messed up and confusing. It has to do with a crankshaft and piston and forces and such. I'll have to do some of it over tomorrow. Plus a page of numbers I gave to Earl last week had a mis-labeled number. He must have spent Friday and today working with it. I finally found the mistake. Work ... the days just seem to zip on by without getting a whole lot accomplished.
     Uncle DM wanted brother Robert's phone number last week. He wanted to call and talk with him since it's been a really long time. He had to try a few days but they got to talk.
     Brother Daniel started an email about presentation of grits. Robert offered one too. But I don't do grits that much even though I like breakfast and think it is the meal. So I wrote about the scrabbled sausage and eggs with toast and going up town to the 70 plus year old eating place on Main Street.
     I still don't do anything but what absolutely has to be done. It's getting depressing. I've started not sleeping again ... just lay there on the floor and barely dose off or sleeping but thinking I'm not sleeping. At least the time passes by, I guess. I try not to look at the clock because when I do it makes me that much more awake.
     That American Dream show on Sunday night isn't on any more. There's some kind of crime investigation show on another channel. They occassionally have some old crime from the 1960s ande 1970s which I'll watch bits and pieces of ... inbetween the other channel flipping things. It's something that gets my mind back in time like the American Dream show ... the music, Nam and the times.
     When things don't go well around here I end up spending time thinking about how I've done so little. Life's on the down hill side, picking up speed and there's nothing to look back on and smile. Just hanging around Pickens thinking I'll take care of things and then move on afterwards. Except there's nothing to move on to now.
     I've even been thinking more about my own old age. There's no one to take care of me or do errands and the things I won't be able to do for myself. Stuck out on Gravely road, won't be able to drive, can't get food, can't get bills paid, worn out from taking care of Mom. Thinking of all the bad things that could happen before I get old ... no job, no income, savings running out, getting really sick, disabled, blah, blah, blah, blah ....
     ....
     At least it's another Journal entry. Bye.

Saturday February 26, 2005
4:25p
     This past week at work was kind of busy ... busy with one project not like there were lots of projects. It's another engine analysis, the crank shaft. There's way too many numbers to keep up with as well as making sure everything gets loaded with forces and torques the correct way.
     I did one of these last year in April so I did this one the same way. I thought everything was going well and sent out the first report. The man I sent it to didn't understand, said it was confusing, along with a bunch of other stuff. "Re-run the simulation."
     I got that response just before leaving Wednesday or Thursday. It messed up my night. Mostly thinking about being put down like that and how I was to respond. The next morning I just forwarded his email along with, "Apparently we're (or I'm) confused up here as well."
     By Friday Earl had finished his analysis and I had finished another analysis using only part of the loads. I sent that out yesterday afternoon. I noticed he had read it a few minutes before 4:30. There's wasn't any response by the time I left.
     Lucille came to visit with Mom this afternoon. Actually Mom had just finished eating lunch and called her to invite her over. I don't every remember Mom calling anyone to come and visit. Mom seems some what more active the last two or three days. More like she use to be. I stayed for about hour to listen to them talk. It was much the usual things they talk about. Family, who's sick, who's done what or not done what, health, medicine costs and the like.
     The other night Mom mentioned moving to my house and selling hers. She just doesn't understand how much better her house is. My looks like Lucille Barron's house, full of boxed up things. There's problems with my house too but she thinks hers is worst. Then the other day too it seems like she was wanting me to sell my house. It's all so confusing.
     She's talked with others about that bone medicine the doctor wants her to start using. She's been told some of them had to quit it. So she's for sure not going to take anything new. ... Oh just stop thinking about it.
     I went over to my house for a few minutes and just sat around. Then I drove up the Holly Springs cemetery and sat there for a while. Always going back to 1970 and 1971. Then I drove through town and up Edens road back to here.
     There are a few trees with early small blossom. I think they've been there for a couple or three weeks. It's because of the warm weather back in January. It's going to freeze again before they really start blooming.
     I may have mentioned this already ... there's talk about moving to Anderson again.
     Brothers Daniel and Robert have started exchaning email about the best presentation of grits. So they've been describing breakfast foods, how to cook it and how to serve it while making grits the feature item.
     I guess that's all for now. Oh yeah. Last night I while laying on the floor waiting for sleep to happpen, I though about how I need to send Roger the pastor a letter requesting prayers. I think I'm beginning to need all the help I can get.

Tuesday March 8, 2005
6:00a
     I was here this morning. Same routine, week after week, with little change.
     The man at work who was in charge of the crankshaft designs, the one I was doing the analysis for, he was fired last Friday.
     No correspondance from anyone recently, but of course I haven't written anyone either.
     It's not as cold as it has been and Spring is only days away. Bet we have a cold snap and have snow and ice on the first day of Spring.
     Easter is early this year too.
     Bye.

Wednesday March 9, 2005
7:30p
     The last week, ten days, or so I've been trying to remember things about the old home place on Farr's Bridge Road.
     How the outside looked, the yards, the black walnut trees with the picnic table near by, the swing set with the sliding board, the get-to-gathers in the evenings, the visitors, the kitchen and short hall way to the grandma Hughes' room, the back bedroom Daniel and Joel used, the other bedroom where Dad, Mom, Robert and I slept, the furniture, the telephone in the corner of grandma's room at the door to the kitchen, the clock on the wall, the oil heater, the chairs, the kitchen table, the well and buildings next to the road, the hedges and bushes around the house, the garage, the pit behind the garage, the wall at the edge of the back yard, the building where the train was (the old food cureing place), the chicken coup, climbing in the trees, the rafters in the garage, the tree house in the big oak tree, ..., ..., ....
     Just trying to resurect memories before they're forgotten with dying brain cells and old age.
     ...
     There's this computer program that we use at work, it's call workbench and is one of ANSYS's products. It makes the finite element modeling and analysis easier, in some respects. I've started using it more these last few days. The company has had it for a year or more but I just kept on using what I was already familar with. I think I'm going to like it. Earl, the person I've worked for and with, he started using it a few weeks ago and likes it too.
     The weather has turned cool again, just got up into the 40s today. It's 11 days till Spring and I'm expecting a cold start to the new season. It's suppose to be raining and cloudy a lot the next ten days also.
     I'm kind of feeling sorry for myself again. It's the life time wasted away thing with not ever doing what I really wanted to do. Just hanging around Pickens to take care of things as they need. Waiting for a better time to do what I want when I want and how I want. Now it's getting way to late in life to do them. I'm always messing up plans.
     I think it's the future of the the States that's looking glooming too. But what do you expect with the political leaders we have?