Wednesday Jun 8, 1988

7:00
     Carolina Creme.

Saturday Jun 11, 1988

5:20
     Highlands, Mountainer Resturant. I tried so hard to get up and go late this morning, but I jsut couldnt. Wanted to go somewhere, but couldnt decide where. My mind has deterriated even more. These last few months. Didn't want to go where I've gone before, didnt want to have to look for a new place to go, Wanted to go to eat at "the Grill" in Athens, but didnt want to be alone among the young people.
     I notice that last Wednesday, I didnt write anything, here. I wrote (tried to write) some more prayers.
     I even drove around town, and back by the house, trying to decide where to go. My life force has faded away! I'm so heart broken from being alone all the time. What's the use in going anywhere - I'll not meet anyone, least not anyone who's interested in me and not the money they can get off of me. So I went to be with my Frined Whitewater Falls, and thought I'd see my other Friend Whiteside but I just couldnt quite make it to him. Decided, as I drove around, to eat at Highlands and go back home. So that's my adventure this weekend, Just like all the other past weekends. I cant go anywhere, How can I think of doing jsut TRAVELING.

Friday Jun 17, 1988

7:15
     SubWay Easley. Some boy kids sat in the next booth for a short while - one spillt a large drink all over the table. Typical teenage fair and they left jsut now. Off down the highway again.
     Got the Campus Holiday thing in the mail today. It looks so easy, just make arrangemetns and leave. What should I do? Spend part of my sabbatical money on sixteen days in England? Fifteen hundred dollars! That's sixty to ninety days of sabbath. But that's just a sabbatical of nothing compared to sixteen days of Forgein travel. What's the comparison! Could I make more money on part of my sabbattical to do thirty days of Forgein travel? But what's eighteen months of sabbattical compared to sixteen or fifteen?

Friday Jun 17, 1988

8:35
     Carolina Creme. So, I've walked from Subways past Foothills Mall, past Pete's to Nick's Car Wash and I'm on the return trip. Walking the streets, in the early evening - twilight time and night time, on the streets again. -- What would that young man I met have said if I had paused a moment?

Tuesday Jun 21, 1988

4:00
     --- -,--. -- reunion. [go play with pot] [one quick game of horseshoes - How long has it been since the last game? I dont remember.]
     This is where I am at this time event on Life's space - time - continium. He wrote a few weeks ago that the reunion would be here. So I made plnas to drive on up - take a minivacation - try to get my head together again - try to figure out what's wrong with my head.
     There's bits and pieces of Flashback, from - telling about the eightysix or eightythree reunion. Mostly cause for my thinking about how great it would be to be part of such a 'family'. But what I remembe now is, how I decided that I would be ('feel') like the outsider. There's been a couple of feelings like that, but I think I'm getting use to being around people. ((( I've smoke a little with them and whoever else there is. It's like everybody knows - so do it. I'tls like it should be. And then there's the mushroom thing - the kabob last night, was that for real, a flashback to his starey, parinoid or what? ))) So anyway, today I tried to lead an expedition to the top of Whiteside. Didnt make it, it rained, it took too long at the stops, lunch was requested, so everything fell apart. No that's not quite right - they did what they wanted to do - look about Highlands - and that is what counts - their satisfaction, not mine.
     He seems to go on about his business with the family. We've only talk a bit this morning. Still sense that my personal stories dont interest him.
     So what diff does that mak? Let go of your troubles - let the 'magic of family' chase them away. Enjoy the moments - 'do what feels right in your heart and makes you happy," says he to her concerning her education, as we walk on an Appalachian side trail. Is this their advice to me? 'sounds of song and music from the evening, sense familar people gathered around fire, beneath the trees, beside the river, flowing from the cave. This is a happy family, a together family - that's what she stiched on the vests - "We are Family". But are they a truely religious family - some are, some are not. These are the contradicitions I sense [imagine]. Nonreligious and happy or religious and nonhappy, that is the question. Remember the first night, Sunday night - I didnt sleep much at all, the late campfire thing, usual sleepless Sunday night, the back of his car. Remember last night, First of Summer [I hadnt realized that], late again, slept straight through to daylight.

Saturday Jun 25, 1988

1:45
     Whiteside, Almost Topside. What a bummer last Tuesday night. I smoked some pot with my friends got screwed up with my thoughts and emotions, freaked out and had to leave. That same ole evil paranoid about 'being' there. My mind, confused by 'cross thoughts', made me think my friends evil. Trying to find hidden meaning in every little act and word. I knew it was the pot, but I was so scared about making bad decisions. I dont want to mess up my already slim chances of getting home to heaven.
     It was a "touch of insanity" on the way back. Were other evil people following em? Making sure I (did)(didnt) come back? Did they put a snake in my truck? I even stopped to check. Before that, I missed my turn (made a turn when I should not have) so I had to turn around again. Was that another one of them checking me out? On the way out of town, pass this church, I had to go back to the church. Would I meet God here and now. Is it really you God? The door opened (not locked out), it's dark inside. But is it another trick of the evil side - to let me think I've found santuary, when it's their place of worship. I cried, I weeped, "I want to know the truth God. God, I want to knwo the truth!" Fear, anxiety, are there snakes in that 'pit'. I have to reach out and feel. But I'm so scared.
     I toss some paper first - then I have to pick it up. There's nothing there, only the carpet and paper. But what does that mean? More doubt, more anguish. Its there no God -- is there no Evil? Which is true. I leave, standing on the porch, truck lights on. I leave.
     Next it's the fork in the road. Which way? Is it a trap to go up that road, or is my Freedom and Peace there? Do I return to the same 'hell' I've lived before. Out and back I drive, I dont know which way to go. There's a dirt road off up road aways. Marked private. Why have I been drawn to this place? Will I die at the end of that dirt road, are 'they' waiting there to sacriface me to thier evil one? Even if they do, will I not be in Heaven with God if I'm a real Christain?
     Now it's a junction with another road. Pull off and stop. A vehilce comes this way. "Hey Mister, where can I find God?" A startled, strange - you're crazy look, off he goes. I turn around and 'back' into something. I sit at the junction - which way - where is God. To the left to the right. God is in Nature, God is Everywhere. It doesnt matter which way. That's Buddist Thought. So there I sit - takling to myself. Rationalizing every answer. Farther down the mountain I drive. But what's at the end of that dirt road? Pull off again. Sit and think and try to decide.
     I do, I decide to go to the end of that dirt road. If they kill me, I'll be dead and in Heaven or Hell. I've got to know the Truth. [If they kill me, I'll be alive in Heaven, I will have found the Truth and Peace and Freedom.] Maybe there's an old man in an old house who can show [tell] me the way to God. Just like all those Lighthouse Mission stories. My religious experiences. So now it's back up the mountain.
     Pass the junction. But what's this fear again? I dont understand, is it a diversion to keep me from my salvation? To trick me into going their way? Or did I go to far. Is the peace I seek back at the junction. Turn around again. Now I'm at the junction again. G.M. Baptist Church, ok, I'll go take a looksee.
     It's a nice country church. White. With a stream and awater fountain. Water of Life - like in the Bible. There's Peace here. I hope it the real Peace. I sit and I calm down adn I try to understand what has happend tonight. I drink from the fountain, I sprinkle water from then stream on my head. I hope it's holy and blessed water.
     I ran from what evil I perceived, I ran to God and to Church. Is that the Truth there is, I ran from one toward the other! But why was the door locked at this church -- why am I locked out? And was that a bat that flew off to tell other what had happened to me.