Wednesday Jan 15, 1992
6:35
Pizza Inn. The date is an indication of my lack of writing. Fifteen days into the New Year and this is my first entry. No going anywhere special for New Year's Day or special words written that day. Mostly is has been jsut drifting about, unmotivated to do or start anything. Except.
Wrote a public letter about this county adminstration building site. It prompted a call from Sam of Easley. He really took it personal and misconstrued my words. I think he was mostly upset oven all the other preceding letters and opinions, just another asinine letter. But,
Mr Earle, Jr. wrote me a letter, it was an accurate interpertation of my words. Mostly because he agrees with views expressed in the letter. I wrote him a thank you in return.
There's a bit of dejavu here. I feel that he has commented on one of my previous letters a long time ago. But I forget which.
Other than the preceding (there's that word again) it has been only Habitat on Saturday and the clinic on Monday nights.
Went to the Roper Mtn Observatory in Grn'vle. The Lens (23") was ground in 1872 for Princeton University. In 1933 the instrument was given to Naval Obs. Later it was stored in Arizona. Anyway, I've stood in the presence of a classic telescope. {{Margin note: Drawing of instrument in observatory.}}
Wednesday Jan 22, 1992
6:20
Pizza Inn. Went to the substitute teacher training thing Monday. I think I should jsut stop thinking about being a teacher. An undisciplined, out of control class just scares the hell out of me. No preptime for a last minute notice to teach. A strange school most of the time, unknow students all the time. Kids who would refuse to do what I ask of them to do for themselves.
Thursday Jan 23, 1992
3:30
Carolina Creme. Another successful day of verify I cant find what I want in stores, even Easley store. Been looking for a 48" "T" square for rockboard work. Lowes has one, a fancy adjustable one but it cost $24. Guess I try my bad luck at finding some alumnium, flat barstock and make my own.
Wrote the school district and withdrew my subteach ambitions. So that's the end of that.
Wednesday Jan 29, 1992
6:20
Carolina Creme. Sign of desperation for somethig to do --- bought a tv at wall mart tonight.
Went to PHS to talk with them about tutoring in Algebra. He's failing most everything. I only wish it could have been another student. I dont know (suspect) that they deliberatling matched us. Just how cautius must they be about letting "strangers" into the schools.
Wednesday Feb 5, 1992
7:00
Pizza Inn. A week of tv. Thursday morning I went back home from breakfast, sat and watched the morning tak shows, I sat and shock my head and repeated over and over again, "Why did I get this thing?" The Winter Olympics begin Saturday, I hope buying the tv will be worth it.
went to the courthouse Monday with Jackie. It is a "boring interest" to look through the old books. Today, when I went over to tutor Jason she said she went over to Greenville to look through the COnfederate Records. She may have found Toliver H Hughes.
Worked habitat Tuesday, build the front and back stoops (porches).
Worked United Christaiin Minsitry this morning, the programmable telephone problem. Mrs G really is something else about calling people to help with problems. She doesnet think about the probablity of success.
Went to the Clinic and spent the afternoon alphebitizing the drugs in the pharmacy. Working alone that's what I like.
Friday Feb 7, 1992
8:00
Carolina Creme. I havent felt the feel of the streets in a long time, not that I feel that way now. It is just that I would like to have those feelings again. Like Timothy in Copenhagen.
I read in E.B. about an Authur Reiman, a rebellious, adventerous lad of the eighteen hundreds.
Tuesday Feb 25, 1992
11:30
Glassy Mtn. I'm in the blues mode again. No satisfaction from the homework center, had a cold last week, the Olympic Games were boring (bad tv coverage, mostly talk and little action). So I'm in a sit at home and do nothing state of mind. Mostly thinking of the great things I could be doing, but dont. This is just like a recored stuck in a groove. Every now and then I think about not getting a job when I will need one and have to look for one. No signing lessons, no french lessons, no tutoring, no studing, no nothing, no writing, no programs, I dont even go to Whitewater or Whiteside anymore. I'm beginning to worry, what if this is to be the rest of my life?
Wednesdy Feb 26, 1992
1:50
Whitewater Falls. Top Camp Area. This is my first outting for this year. The sun came out about 10:30 and I jsut had to get out too. Nothing has changed here, no fallen trees on the trail, it's even cleaner than I expected. Maybe the forest keepers have kept the litter picked up. The "In Nature Be Free" prose is still tucked away in its crevice, 5 and 1/2 years now. There are three young studs down the trail toward the rapids, they were here jsut a bit ago, in fact they jsut came back and went down to the top of the Falls. My only contact in months and it's jsut like the past, "Hi" and then they're gone.
Wednesday Feb 26, 1992
4:10
Sandy's Kitchen, Hwy 11. {Of course, everyone knows your name here. Except mine.} Some dude talked with me at the overlook. He had moved to Westminster from Tampa. Has been to Coloroda for three months, climbed Pikes Peak in 1981 when he was 16. My imagination says he's traveled a lot, lived a lot, like I wish I had.
The main reason for eating here is to be here when Sean may stoop on his way home. But my luck is sure and awill prevail, he wont.
Oh yes, the three studs at Whitewater, saw them on the East side at the over hang rock at mid-Falls. They had climb all the way down the West side, crossed over the rocks and back up. Probably left the car park a few seconds before they walked down the path to their car.
I'll leave jsut a few seconds before Sean stops here too.
What else could have I done today? to waste away another day? Just that, waste it away in another way.
Friday Feb 28, 1992
6:30
Pizza Inn. Went to Pendleton to the Historic place to look through the books. "Grave Digging". They closed at 4:30. On the way back, between Liberty and Pickens, I thought abut the Easley Library. Detoured to there and stayed till 6:00. Thought they would be open late but they werent. So that's what I did today.
Monday Mar 9, 1992
9:45
Huddle House. Mostly been doing Hughes stuff, going to Library Easley adn Greenville, grave walking, etc. Worked United Christain Minstry Med Clinic with the Library inbetween. Just wanted to make a note in the Journal.
Thursday Mar 19, 1992
6:00
Pizza Hut, Columbia, Across from USC Campus. Came down here to the big state capital to find Toliver at the Archives, I havent. He lived without a paper trail. So that's that, there's no where else to look, least way no other obvious place. I guess I've become detached from my old library emotions, the archives is nothing but a building with a few old books and file full of microfilm. There's no burning desire to hangout or walk about the campus. I'm just to damn old. {{Supper's over, the pizza's gone, me thinks my mind's been gone long long time ago.}} Dont you know, this will be, the last entry before the '92 Spring Equinox. It's just a day or so past the Full Moon too
Friday Mar 20, 1992
6:15
Pizza Inn Pickens. Spring arrived about 3:20 this morning. Nothing extra ordinary happened, just another Spring Equinox. Ate breakfast at the IHOP this morning, hadnt ate at one of those places in a long time, probably the last time I was in Columbia. Sat around the hotel room till 9:00, decided then to leave and drive to Laurens. Spend an hour or three there. More deadends. There's no connection between Toliver and any other. These other researchers have more going for them. Patience to read every word of every document. I cant and wont do that. They also have other family connetions to helpthem, like old letters. Their documentation is better too.
So what? The only motivation I have is jsut to have something to do. A reason to go somewhere. A pretense to waste away another day.
Monday Mar 23, 1992
3:40
Carolina Creme. Been over to the DSS food givaway today,helping pack bags, mostly picking up the trash and boxes. Those kids and they are really kids, have no motivation to grow up. They goof off and work hard to get out of work.It msut be a built in instinct to do what they think is wrond. They rode the lowlift like a scooter, they tossed bags of flour and meal, they did just anything that appeared to be against the rules.. They have been brought up to believe such things are the only way tohave fun. Ihave wondered if there would be anything to learn by trying to talk to them, jsut to hear what they have to say and how they would say it.
Thrusday Apr 2, 1992
4:40
Carolina Creme. Today I found the connection between Toliver and his father, Joel {{not really never did learn who his father is}}. It was through an estate account case of Tolivers son John (Doc). It is in the Greenville probate records. Appears John was murdered in Dec 1886 by Richard Jacobs. He was also married twice once in Hackshaw GA and in SC. He married his 2nd cousin Sally, ever how one gets 2nd cousins ((or 1st cousins once removed.}}
Tuesday Apr 14, 1992
2:50 EST
Carolina Creme. It's so much easier to bring genealogy foward than backwards into ancestory. The obits of Sallie Hughes lead to obits of Lula McNeely and Lawerance E Hughes which is? the connection tothe Charles E Hughes of Easley.
Wednesday May 13, 1992
10:30 EST AM
Carolina Creme. I've found (made) a quiting place on the genealogy thing. Made copies of the work and mailed them. So that's over for another 20 years. No more list of names to dream about. Even after all that work, there's no conclusion about who Toliver's parents were. There's even more confusion, Toliver may have been a nickname and his real name could have been Edward Issac. The only thing I accomplished was finding (put together) his and Matilda's family story.
So now what will I do with the time? Maybe I should go back to Whitewater and Whiteside, visit my "ole Friends". More likely, renew my standy habit of "wasting away the days."
Wednesday May 13, 1992
12:30 EST
Whitewater. Above the INBF poem, Top of over hang. If I'm to waste away another da, it might as well be here. The sun is almost out now, hot muggy days are on the way. Anyway, I up here, looking down, thinking back in time, to the few (too few) intersting memories that happened below.
Wednesday May 13, 1992
5:15 EST
Pizza Inn Pickens. Like? Like what? It's going to be the same old grind. Lonely is as lonely be the words of loneliness.
Wednesday May 20, 1992
4:45
Tony's Resturant. Last Saturday, Tony S and friends had a BarBy at his place. Saw Glenn G, he's in Japan this week, lucky him, I would never have gottento go. Saw Mark, he's been in a bad car wreck, hurt him really bad. Randy probably told me about it eariler this year but my brain cells are failing me fast now, I cant remember things. Dr Sakai came over and spoke to me, said they never replaced me at work. Should have told him yeah I heard that I didnt leave any hole at Ryobi by leaving. Must not have been doing very much. Bob was there too. Glenn kept me company for a while, till I showed him "chase the dragon" he read it then moved to another group. Not much latter the others I talked with left too. Then I started to feel out of place sitting by myself so I left too.
What I need to do next is work on "Campfire" some more. Iff I could only dream up an intergalatic travel mode. By the way, I did have a campfire today. {Four fold effect: bore hole, fold space, compress time, move fast. Bore holes only work to an advantage around mass where space in curved. Interestingly space is basicaly flat:}
Monday May 25, 1992
9:40 EST
Glassy Mtn. Another lonely lonesome holiday,nothing planned todo,nothing will be done. No motivation to do anything. No ambitionto do the great things I want todo.I've seriously buned out major brain cells with little bti of THC, alcohol, and worry,much to much worry. What purpose is there to my life?Maybe it si like "they" talk about. I'ma fifth generation descendant of an illegal child an a second generation descendat of another. Maybe I ws never meant to be.
Wednesday May 27, 1992
5:40 EST
Tony's Resturant. Today Imay have learnt that Elvir Precilla maried Ezekeil Long, least there is a widower by that name listed in the 1900 cnesus and they had a kid mamed Kit. So Elivr may have died between 1896 - 1900. Also there was a William Robert age about 27, married with children listed then too, another "maybe" WM Robert Jr. So much for the genealogy work today. P.S. Still no luck finding secondary evidence, just an endless list of possibilites.
Oh YES! While at the Grn Library I looked up his (Arthur Rimbaud} words, two books all mostly commentary, one grouping of his prose, in French - Belgeses! So I still dont know what he had to say.
Wednesday Jun 3, 1992
6:00 EST
Pizza Inn. Started working at the Advance Placement Testing thing at Clemson today. All "sorting" of Govt and Political essay booklets. All preperaton in order to support the "readers", those who will do the actual evaluation. Havent taken time to read much myself (others have, I know what the Japanese are talking about now "stupid and lazy"). Maybe tomorrow I'll get my own personal sampling of what the high school and college bound students really think and think they know. One drew a picture afterhe (answered?) the chosen questions. I will make time to read some of thier work.
Bob is also working there too, in the Physics group. They must have done their soritng quicker than us, probably cause Math and Physics is more easily sorted.
So where will this shortlived micromini adventure take me?
Wednesday Jun 10, 1992
6:15 EST
Pizza Inn. Finished working the Advance Placement Testing thing at Clemson today. It was something different to do. Maybe ever do again. But I doubt it I could do that type of work ever week.
My T shirts got some attention. Heard one of the readers was going to Poland, so I wore the Polish Univesity shirt. Wore my Moscow Cafe shirt and one of the reader in my room spoke Russian. Princeton flys people, professors, in from all over the country to do the reading, puts them up in hotels and all. It was interesting to se them mingle at the breaktimes. Colleague activity going on. Of course, I tried to imagine what it would be like to be a real part of the process, but I was just another "readers aide". Most of the aides were high school teachers and retired teachers.
Took my "ThoughSmithing" book in to let some of them read. Usual "they're good" comments. Two of the young ladies took them home to read. One like "the Fourth Man" and the other "Circa 72", the first obviously religious and the second interested in the '60s and the Nam.
I think it would have been fun to work the second session, a math group where they have almost a 100 thousand to process. Stay and work late into the early mronig hours. Just once, one of those sessions.
It was fun to play with the readers, they're not all serious business you know.
Wednesday Jun 17, 1992
6:00 EST
Pizza Inn. Just came from wathing "the Encino Man" movie. Now I have that "empty jsut back form fantasy land" feeling. Like it was another mind trip into "why couldnt something like that happen to me"land. To be a teenage in LA, forever, living the happy carefree life.
Spent, wasted away, another day at the library, looking at the '30s Pickens Sentinel, for family items I'll never find.
There is definitely some forces against me. Ninty-nine point nine nine nine percent of the times I choose a project, items to look for, to work on, it is block from a satisfactory completion. Like that is what it feels like and taht is why I am so depressed over starting anything new. But of course, I've wrote all this before, havent I.
The other day the talk around the round table was about phone sales people. I mentioned about how I use to ge them but since I've use the answering machine alot, they dont call anymore. When I get home their was another one of the computer calls on the machine. I left the thing unplugged today so I wont be reminded that no one ever calls just to talk.
Friday Jul 3, 1992
5:15 EST
Tony's Resturant. Today I wrote a letter to Britinnica Home Library Service terminating my year book service. They messed up my account by not crediting payment and even sent it to a collection agencey. So that's the end of my yearbook and science book after 14 years.
Mostly I've still been doig the Library thing, looking through the Pickens Sentinel hopping to find something useful abuot the "Hughes". But mostly it's ben about every other family but mine. There's been tidbits abut who is visiting who, even Dad advertising chicks for sale, and Mom's attendence and honor roll in Pickens Mill. I have basically given up hope of finding anything about Toliver's children and grandchildren or his ancestory.
Also, I dont do the United Christain Ministry or Habitat anymore. And I grudgely do the Free Medical Clinic.
Friday Jul 10, 1992
5:50 EST
Carolina Creme.
Sunday Jul 12, 1992
4:30 EST AM
Huddle House. "Thin Ice" bus and equipment trailer left just after I go here. The name is familar but I dont know for sure if they are a big name band.
There is a Knight-Ridder piece in the paper this morning, it is about legalizing drugs. Judges and proscuters are for it now. But that will nevr happen, the writer did mention that drugs are big business because they are illegal but he did not say (recognize) that that is precisely why drugs will never be legal.
{{BUT WHY DOES IT TAKE SO LONG FOR "THEM" TO REALIZE THE WAR ON DRUGS WAS WRONG?}}
Monday Jul 14, 1992
1:40
Carolina Creme. The past few days that I have spent looking through the old Sentinels, I've felt like my life has been such a waste. Mostly cause of the "famous names" I have seen when "they" were young. Eagle Scouts, College Grads, Office Holders.
{{Margin note: From Senator Gore's opening VP canidate interview -- THE LAST 10% OF OLD GROWTH FOREST. 10% LEFT!}}
Friday Jul 17, 1992
1:10 EST
Carolina Creme. I'm really mad about my "lack of youthful wildness". I'm in my high school sixty years' o fthe Pickens Sentinell and I missed so much then. Why did I not say to Ralph and Robin or anyone else back then "Teach me the WildLife" "Do or Do Not, there is no try".
Wednesday Jul 22, 1992
4:50
Carolina Fine Food. The only thing worth mentioning is that I sat on Glassy and watched a lightning storm go by.
On Monday Jul 20, I spoke with Robin at the Library, first time in 25 years.
Friday Jul 24, 1992
4:10
Pizza Inn. Another boring day at the library. Did find when grandfather Dean and his brother Luther bought the Blacksmith shop in Liberty.
Friday Aug 7, 1992
4:45
Tony's Rest. I have done the Sentinel from 1900 to 1972, some of the 1870's but I think I will quit for a while. Had to go to the courthouse a couple of times. I think I will catalog their old books, that will be something different.
I discovered last week that Jeremiah Hughes, Toliver's third son, was killed by a black in 1892. He was Easley's town marshall. He and brother John R were the only two names mentioned in William Robert's death notice, he died in 1915.
I ordered another (3rd) computer yesterday.
Tuesday Aug 11, 1992
3:50 AM EST
Huddle House. The day began at 1;30 this morning, poofff I'm wide awake. And after I thought I was back on the 6:00 routine. Last night at the clinic I got mad. I wanted to leave early to watch Blossom, Joey and the alcoholic had there girls). Even told David that, he said he'll be back and left. The scheduled pharamist was late too and they didnt get there till 7:30. I had seven patients waiting and all their prescriptions counted out. Could have done the labels too but I couldnt read the doctors writing. So all that got me upset and of course it's my own fault for wanting to do something for myself. I 've been at the clinic practicaly every night sinc eit opened and one of the few times I want to leave early something happens to mess up the mood.
WHY TRY? IT WILL NEVER WORK FOR ME.
This killing going on around the world, it's really bad now. Ethnic hatred is extreme again. I thought about writing another letter (to who? and who would heed it?) expressing the contradiction of economic embargo versus an arms embargo years ago. "Withold the food but ship the guns" type thing. Several days latter some government offical is talking about send guns to the other side so both side can kill.
The more I would will the killing to end, the worse it gets.
Friday Aug 14, 1992
5:50 EST
Pizza Inn. The new computer came in today, actually yesterday, but I wasnt home. So I went up town and drove around till I found the UPS man. I did sit down at Ryobi and waited till that truck arrived, the wrong truck. He told me the other truck was on West Main so I drove up there and meet him at the Bait Shop (Cy Rampey's old place). The rest of the morning and day was spent clearing off the table, moving the old computer into the kitchen, checking out and loading up the new machine. When I get back, I'll unload some of the junk software. PaintBrush isnt working and I'll not waste my time fixing it or playing with it. Go back to only the excutional and if the floppy disc go bad they go bad. Oh yes, I did go to Stewart's funiture and got a small kitchen table to put the old machine on.
Now and forever more, the powers that be in this world will not take action against the atrocities of man against man, till the tv news media makes a big show of the tragic events. "I didnt' know such things were going on in the world" said the young college student. And therein lies the crux of the problem.
So who would listen / read my words? Who, of any importance knows I exist?
Wednesday Aug 19, 1992
5:30 EST AM
GSP. Here at the pool area, waiting to see Frances' plane take off.
Wednesday Aug 19, 1992
4:30 EST
Tony's Resturant. Except for the last entry, today has been another wasted day.
Went to the library and looked through some of the Easley history books. Rode around the north side for a bit - found Kings Park, walked through RockSrings cemetary again. Found nothing. On Monday I prepared Jeremiah's story and sent it off to Washington DC. So that's the end of that.
Oh! How I wish the my thoughts would flow into words, like they use to so long ago! Not being able to write is like not being able to have sex and not being able to have sex is like not being able to write.
Wednesday Aug 26, 1992
6:15 EST
Carolina Creme. Mostly another one of "those" days. For a fleeting moment the other day, I felt really good, one of those "it's fall time and time to go to the beach." Like I was free to do what I felt like doing. The kind of feeling that is always on the verge of "something bad will / has happen to steel away my happiness." I can neither explore nor exploit those good feelings, the more Itry to be happy, the greater the disaster which follows.
Hurricane Andrew blew through south Flordia and then into Lousianna. I dont have a job to go to. There's no reason why I cant pack up and go there to help. ISNT THIS WHY I QUIT WORK?
There are ALL the the things I've planned / thought about to do still waiting to be done. WHY CANT I MAKE MYSELF DO THEM? WHY SHOULD I EVEN HAVE TO ASK WHY? JUST DO THEM!
Tuesday Sep 1, 1992
7:45 EST
On the Road to South Flordia, I26 Columbia I95.
Just past a long convouy of Duke Power Equipment, we'ver all headed to the same place for the same reason, Hurrican Andrew Relief.
Help loaded the truck yesterday from one to fourthirty. Did a little of the sorting and boxing, canned goods here, baby stuff there, paper here, soap there, lift and tote, push and shove.
Then it was drive to the Free Medical Clinic and work and worry about that; hot and sweaty inside and out.
Went home, bathed and packed, smoke cigs, watch a little tv, then go to bed.
Wake up at one thirty, only three hours sleep. Watch tv, smoke cigs till three. Wash and shave. Pack and leave. Eat at Huddle house in Easley. Drive back home.
Leave home again. Eat at Bobby Garren's too. Sit in old Winn Dixie car park. Stand around a bit. Pray and leave. So now it's on the road again. This time for good reasons.
12:45 EST
Farther down the highway. South GA, after eating lunch at Western Sizzlers at 10:30. We had a delay, Buddy (yes it's the Buddy from August 15, '81, he's riding with his father in the Fred G truck) decide we in the van stopped for gas and waited by the road for us to catch up. We were on down the road vaiting for him. A waiting stand off for 30 minutes. We're outside Glendale now, jsut crossed the high bridge where the big plant is.
Wednesday Sep 2, 1992
8:00 EST
South FL. On the last leg in, breakfast at BurgerKing, taped Sign to side of the truck -- how long will it last, still got two hours to go. It was lightening in the thunderheads predawn morning, but with very faint sound, like there's still a silent storm where we are headed.
Wednesday Sep 2, 1992
9:15
Stranded. Trailer has flat, left rear inside. A DEA man stopped to help. Some tire service is suppose to be on the way.
Wednesday Sep 2, 1992
11:05 EST
West of Maimi Airport. In the city traffic, going in circle. ---> We will not make it out tonight! Still miles north of the huricane track but the damage is beginning to show.
Wednesday Sep 2, 1992
12:00 EST
Moving again. Reached the truck check in place. Ate a sandwich. Helped a little with unloading someone else's van. Got our papers. Now we go into "The Battle Zone".
Wednesday Sep 2, 1992
5:35 EST
Homestead FL. The delivery has been made! At the Hatian Church into an almost open building. I'm at the First United Methodist Church now. We have to unload some of the building supplies here. It's quiter thatn I thought it would be, but darkness has not arrived. I'll leave the TS book there.
Thursday Sep 3, 1992
9:15 EST
On the Road North. Last night after we got back to the EconoLodge, the same one we stayed at before. We went to Denny's to eat at 10:45. "Did you just get off the ship?" the lady asked. Woke up at 5:00 and sat around the lobby drinking coffee and reading the paper.
Wednesday Sep 9, 1992
4:45 EST
Pizza Inn Pickens. A week ago today I was in Homestead FL unloading a truck of food and stuff. Stuffing it into a little building behind a small church. The ride back was uneventful, jsut sit and ride for 12 hours. Ate breakfast about 10:00 at a Shoneys place. One of their all you care to eat breakfast bar. There ws this one lone fat man who ate and ate and ate. That's why he's fat, lonely. --- There were two really heavy rain downpours, hard enough to make some of the travelers pull over to the side, but Buddy -- {Remember him from TK's '81 adventure?} was driving the truck, we were following and he didnt slow down for nothing. We got back to Pickens about 9:30 I think.
Decide to drive by Mom's to see if she was still up, she was so I stopped and visited with her. But before that, after the farewell at the Church, I went down to Jr Mart to get some coffee. Bought a news paper and read about our trip to Fl while I sat there smoking and drinking coffee.
Friday, the day after, I really dont remember Friday. Dont think I did much of anything, maybe clean house a little.
Saturday I cut the weeds down. Some young man stopped by, he wanted the power pole the BREC people left after replacing it.
Sunday afternoon I went to Lowes in Easley and got the material for the truck bed cover. And that's what I've done Monday, Tuesday and today, 12 hours Monday, I sweated over that thing. Now that it's almost finish I've decided to go without it. Just like my other projects, tossed onto the scrap pile. The tile board I thought to be water proof is a vynil on masonite and masonite deteriotes when it gets rained on. Mostly though, I am not going on an 800 mile times 2 road trip with something strange on the back of my truck. Besides, I shouldnt take that much stuff anyway.
May not ever go at all, started to call that church downt her and no one answers. Besides, why should my offer of help be accepted this time? {{PS. Tony S called the day I was in Homestead FL.}}
Friday Sep 11, 1992
5:15 EST
Tony's Resturant. Thought about just getting a bottle of champagne and a bag of rolls for supper tonight, but I dosed off and I'm sleepy and the mood to get high and be hungry has been dreamt away.
The Dade County United Way people called this morning. They need me but there's not place to stay. So now the ball is back on my side of the court. Jsut go on down and what happens, happens? Like get turned away. Opportunity to bust my butt for some good, but it's just not that easy to do.
THE MAJOR TRUTH is that I am so starved for fellowship, I will drive two days, 900 mile, just to be in a crowd of strangers.
Wednesday Sep 16, 1992
5:45 EST
Tony Resturant. Started clearing out the undergrowth around the house, the back. Did three truck loads, burning themat the bottom of the drive. Maybe tomorrow I'll just pile them up out back and watch them rot.
I havent even called anymore about the Hurricane thing. Why try? There ws another one in Hawaii on Kauai last Friday. Same old story there too.
What I have thought about doing is just go to Carnavel and stay a couple of days. Could take my stuff and go on down to Homestead if I felt litk it.
The sun is down behind the trees now, another day is done, another empty lonely day is done.
Monday Sep 21, 1992
12:45 EST
Caolina Creme. The last day of Summer 92. Tomorrow is half Summer and half Autumn, Wednesday will be all Autumn. It's cloudy today and willbe the next two mornings so that I will not be able to see the Equinox sunrise.
I could go home and write the "Political Dream Team" or "Once upon a time in Pickens County" or call McClean VA about Jeremiah or Homestead FL about volunteer work. But I wont, there's no future in anything I try.
Wednesday Sep 30, 1992
--:--
Feedroom Resturant. Today is Jame Dean Day, thirty-seven year ago he died in the car wreck. Must have been in '85 when the Clemson Player did the "Come back to the 5 and 10 Jimmy Dean Jimmy Dean" play. He would have been 61 can you believe that, James Dean the teen rebel 61 years old.
The Front of the house is almost clear of pine trees now. Friday, Monday, Tuesday and today has been saw, saw, snip, snip. I cant seem to do more thean for or five hours. Cant hardly bend over either casue of my big 40" fat middle. My system gets so back up it feels like I'm on the verge of feeling sick. "and after it's all doen, all around, what diff will it really make?"
Maybe I'll jsut go sit on top of Glassy afte I eat. Just sit up there and think about James Dean.
Friday Oct 8, 1992
3:50 EST
Tony's Resturant. I almost started on the write up of Family stuff again. Wrote a page about Jeremiah, but that was as far as I got with it. There's no enthuaism to think -- I hate thinking - and it si so boring to tyhpe up what has already been copied. All of these past weeks mindlessness has become permenant. Four weeks of zero motivation. I'm really getting terrorified of looking for work again. That will be a failure too. There's no purpose in my existence.
Tuesday Oct 13, 1992
1:15 EST
Glassy Mountain. Climbed the FireTower. First time in how many years?
Tuesday Nov 24, 1992
2:10
Carolina Creme. It's been a little more than two and a half months since I've done anything. This past week I've decided that I'm suffering the unemployment blues. It's almost a vegetable state on somedays. At times me thinks I've risked it all and lost it all!
Monday Nov 30, 1992
6:05
Tony's Resturant. Another week and still nothing I do.
Monday Dec 7, 1992
3:05
Huddle House. Fifty year ago, the war had been going on for it's first year, and fifty year before that, Jeremiah Hughes was killed, and about fifty year before that John R was born, and twenty year before that Toliver Hughes was born.
There's two things I really should be doing, the space travel writing and differential equation learning. And after that there's the wall to finish and after that there's a lot of other stuff I should be doing. But I wont. I'm never going to get out of this unemployed blues. There's no purpose to my existence.
{{{ Words, million dollar words, they just wont flow unless zest for life flows through your being. Living a life liberates the lust for writing words worth reading. }}} A ten year old, today, has lived more of life than I.
Wednesday Dec 9, 1992
3:10
Tony Resturant. My mind is ebbing away. I just refuse to try anymore. There's no purpose for my life, has there ever been? I just sit at home hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month. There's no new contacts, jsut the same people each and every day. There's no prospect of any new joy to break the monotany. So this is how it has been for Mom all these years. Even worst cause she doesnt even ride around anymore.
Why should I write any great thoughts, they would be ignored, like me. Who morns for me? DRIVEN TO DRINK BY BOREDOM. Who would love me?
Wednesday Dec 30, 1992
12:00 Noon
MenKin Spartanburg.
I've seen and touched part of the Berlin Wall today.