Well, the Talking to Charlie is column is finally back after an extended hiatus, and with precious little time before I graduate. So let's get on with it.

The Southeast Vending Stripe is a blight upon this university. The entire notion of putting money on your student ID is an enormous hassle masquerading as convenience. I have been quite put out by the Southeast Vending Stripe, which is something I couldn't say about cash.

The problems with the Stripe are many. The machines for adding money to ID cards break down even more often than the elevators in South. Malfunctioning vending machines and laundry machines are known to eat ID cards. Some vending machines take off more money than they should (I've had the milk machine in Dempster do this to me several times.) I could go on. Oh heck, I will.

ID's are easy to lose; I've lost mine several times. And if you lose your card and don't get it back, not only do you lose any money on it, you have to pay $15 to replace it. You must have a student ID; you don't have a choice.

I got carjacked over Christmas Break, and my wallet (among other things) was stolen. I thought I'd be able to get by this one last semester without a student ID, since I had a driver's license and the people in the cafeteria and Geronimo's recognize me. The old man at textbook services destroyed that delusion for me. My driver's license wasn't good enough for him.

It was probably best that I got a new ID anyway. The Stripe on my old one had only worked for about a month. After that it never accepted money again. For a year and a half I had to borrow a friend's ID before I could do laundry. Now I don't.

The university loves to place us in positions which force us to use the Southeast Vending Stripe. I work in the computer lab in Dempster, and often buy chocolate milk in the student lounge on my way home. If I don't have 45 cents in change, then to get the milk I must put money on my card. There is no change machine in the lounge, only an add-money machine.

One night I found I had no bill smaller than a five, and, against my better judgment, put that money onto my ID. I promptly lost $4 to an error in the snack machine and had to visit Vending Services in the scrag end of Dempster to get the money back (on my card, of course.)

The worst of it is that once you put money onto your ID, it isn't really money any more. It's just non-refundable credit that works in certain machines on campus. It's not legal tender. It's not accepted in any store, not even the campus bookstore. Sodexho doesn't even accept it.

Basically, money on your ID is just like that novelty money you buy at amusement parks which only works in the park. People only buy Mickey Money and its non-Disney equivalents for entertainment. But there is no entertainment value to the Stripe, unless you consider buying snacks or making copies the height of fun.

It's all just a scam to bilk more money from our pockets. Once I put a dollar on my card to buy a 45 cent carton of milk, I'm committed to spending the other 55 cents in a campus vending machine. In reality I already spent it, by putting cash into the add-money machine.

The Stripe is supposedly convenient because now students don't have to carry around cash all the time. But in normal circumstances, the average student never spends more than a few dollars at a time in the vending machines. Nobody would rob him for that money even if he had cash. And students still need to bring cash if leaving campus or when their ID's are all spent.

I haven't even come close to listing all the problems with the Southeast Vending Stripe, but unfortunately I don't have the opinion page all to myself, and must quit here for lack of space. Know now that the Stripe is evil, and must be destroyed. Sic semper tyrannis.