recently a couple friends & i went out for hommus (aren't we trendy?), running a few chores while we were out. while sitting at the parthenon, one of my friends (let's call him "sir archibald `quicksilver' cunningham iii") & i couldn't help but watch our sun-dressed host(ess) as she meandered about the restaurant, doing her food-service stuff: bussing tables, delving into the kitchen, &c. our other friend (let's call him "reginald `aquarius' rockbuster, esq") somehow resisted the powerful pheromone rays she emanated, looking only occasionally, not continuously, as we did.

reginald's immunity didn't surprise us. but sir archibald `quicksilver' cunningham iii was surprised by something else. he remarked (as he did again later in the day), "i can't help it. i'm just looking at all the ladies today." to him i replied, "now you have an idea what it's like to be me."

yes, i'm a girl watcher. but i'm not just any old shmoe with binoculars or a mirror in my shoe. i'm an expert, & i don't need such props, such toys. some people go out & smell the flowers . i go out & gaze at the girls.

simply put, i am enamored with the female form. as the drink-spilling guys said, "i love all women." i'm in love with the entire esthetic of the female body. just about every part of the woman's body is beuatiful, sexy. i'll admit that i don't love everything about every body, but in general... i like it a lot.

now before you all accost me, calling me a sick voyeuristic onanistic repulsive perverted peeping tom, let me set this straight. i don't creep about gazing in windows. you'll certainly never find me in your tree. & i don't follow people home from work, the mall, or anyplace else. as holographic lounge-singer sensation vic fontaine said, "there's a lot of pretty ladies in here, & it's okay to look as long as you don't touch." admiring the beauty of the women is one of the few true joys i have in life, since women never want to be around me in person.

but the problem with adoring women instead of some other work of beauty (paintings, sculpture, film, flowers, &c) is that they can catch you looking, which can be quite embarrassing if you're shy like me. trust me, as someone who gets stared at plenty (albeit for entirely different reasons), it's not usually fun catching people staring at you.

it's not great getting caught, either. i remember once i got caught big-time & it ended up in the senior wills at school. ick. but since then i have much refined my style. & i will share with you some tips on how to gaze at people without getting caught.

don't face them

it's pretty obvious when someone's entire head is pointed at you & their eyes are barreling dead-on into you that they're staring. the trick is all in the corners of the eyes; not really even the corners, all of them. use every part of your eye possible. if you seem to be facing away, most people aren't going to check where your eyes are focused.

glance away regularly

pretty self-explanatory. it might sound obvious, but you can never be too sure.

reflective surfaces

these are a huge help. the windows outside my building at work are extra-shiny, & whenever there's someone worth looking at, those windows are my best friend. the shiny doors to the elevators help, too.

the wandering eye

the key is to appear as though you're looking around. if there happen to be more than one women worth watching about, then this is practically done for you. just flip between them like it's a commericial break. this method can get quite complex: if someone happens to notice your eye being directed at them, you can try to convert your stare into a slow scan. if you're crafty enough to do it seamlessly, you might not get caught.

then again, if you're not pathetically introverted, you might actually want them to see. you might even want to try to talk to them.

scary. anyway, this has only been an introductory session, feeding you some of the more basic concepts. for more in-depth instruction, sign up for my class by clicking here! it's only $99.95, & you win your own decorative diploma upon completing the course.