there's only 2 weeks left!

there's panic a-brewin' at the way. the apocalypse, the end of all sermons as we know it, could be only a fortnight from now. start stockpiling now!

it all stems from the fact that sermon year #2 is coming to a close. you've probably heard the rumors already. it seems that due to an oversight in the evolution of the human brain, most people can't comprehend numbers greater than 2. an elite few have theorized the possibility of a superset of numbers, which the press has dubbed "supernumbers", that includes the 0-2 number set we understand & even expands on it, inventing new hypothetical numbers such as "free" and "thor". however these theories are as yet unvalidated; no set value has been defined for these new numbers, & they have never been observed outside a lab environment.

but i'm a bit outside my realm. here's our staff specialist, "doctur" françois knickerbocker.

"it is impossible to predict what might happen when year 2 ends. such a question tears at the very fabric of time/space as we know it. your head very well might explode. or everything in the universe but your head could explode. or instead of exploding, everything could simply reboot, go back to square one, or in this case sermon year 1.

"of course it's also an issue of individuality. while one person might go around exploding as soon as the clock turns, others might be able to function almost normally. some might retain full memory, while others could be turned to weird space monsters, or grapefruit, or icky little sticky things. no one can say whether the effects will be universal or largely localized, or whether it will affect only our species or all reality, or to what extent, by affecting us, it affects the universe, or whether we are or are not the center of the universe.

"there are some who speculate that numbers greater than 2 do in fact exist. they've even invented names for them, & fancy typographical symbols such as the backward epsilon (3). these people suggest that life will continue on, far past 2, perhaps forever. their theory is comforting, but i'm afraid i can't share their optimism. i tend to think our heads will explode."

you heard it, my children. prepare yourselves for a massive wave of head explosions. now, in the event that your head explodes, it could become very difficult to find food & water to support yourself. what's worse, others whose heads have exploded might want to hurt you & take the food & water that you've rightfully saved for yourself. science-types estimate that people with exploded heads can live only a few days without food & water. so it is essential that you stock up now, not just on eats, but on all kinds of massive hardcore weaponry. because everyone else is going to be arming up too, you must be sure you have far more firepower than they do. i mean everything: automatics, explosives, cruise missiles... if you can get a nuke i say do it!! we cannot afford a stockpile gap!

you might be hesitant. you might not like shopping. well leave it to me! for only $250,000, i can hook you up this amazing deal: the y2 survival pack. this pack contains a year's concentrated rations for 2, as well as 2 handguns, 2 grenades, 2 sniper rifles, 2 rocket launchers, a tank, & 1 squadron of infantry, with ammunition for all. you can't hope for a better value! these munitions would fetch a million easy on the black market. & i'm offering it to you at this low low price! you can survive the end of life as we know it without hitting your pocketbook too hard.