new york: another civilian & two more policeman were brutally murdered today by the taco bell chihuahua last night. this makes a total of 13 civilians and 5 law enforcement officials killed & 34 wounded so far by the corporate mascot.
witnesses reported that the chihuahua caught the scent of a taco bell chalupa being carried by ronald o'toole, 27. when o'toole refused to relinquish his chalupa, the dog became agitated. patrolmen federico montoya & albert branigan soon arrived at the scene, but were unable to prevent the mascot from attacking before backup could arrive. all three men were killed in the struggle, & another three people were injured as the chihuahua made its escape.
the taco bell chihuahua, an asthma-hound with the ability to speak in bothe english & spanish, became immediately popular following his first appearance in a taco bell television commercial. a multimillion-dollar line of dolls & t-shirts soon followed. but the small dog's rise to fame took a tragic turn for the worse, experts say, when his originally fictional predilection for taco bell food developed into a full-blown psychotic obsession.
authorities scoffed at initial reports that the chihuahua was stalking & otherwise harrassing taco bell customers, but their laughter would turn to tears when the chihuahua turned violent with a gruesome triple-homicide in july.
since then, police have been unable to apprehend the chihuahua because he is small and "it looks just like any other chihuahua in this city, most of which couldn't kill a person if he was tied up," said detective jack friendly, in charge of the investigation.
many social groups denounce taco bell's advertising campaign, which still features the dog but does not show the bloody consequences of his cravings. wilma starling, president of the society for protection against corporate mascots (SPACM), is among the most outspoken of taco bell's critics.
"what they [taco bell] are doing is glorifying the actions of this psychopathic criminal simply because he's a cute dog & not a human being," starling said. "by keeping these ads, but not showing the gruesome violent acts this dog is committing, they're cashing in on his infamy.
"their newest commercial is a perfect example. the story is clearly based on the recent o'toole murder, but ends comically. what they should show is this animal viciously slaughtering three human beings for one taco bell menu item. this is the real truth behind the taco bell chihuahua."
the chihuahua is only the most recent corporate mascot to commit atrocious acts revolving around the product it endorses. for decades, the cereal icon sugar bear, who also went by aliases such as super sugar bear, assaulted anyone who wanted him to share his super golden crisp breakfast cereal. in the early '90s sugar bear was rehabilitated & now lives peacefully without cereal in jellystone park.
mascots were even violent in prehistoric times. ancient pebbles spokesman fred flintsone was arrested many times for assaulting neighbor barney rubble, each time because rubble wanted some of the cereal flintstone was not willing to share.
thankfully, not all corporate mascots share these misanthropic traits. froot loops spokesman toucan sam said, "i always try to share the magic of kellogg's froot loops with everybody. with my fabulous nose i can help everyone discover froot loops, a nutritious part of a healthy breakfast."
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