no matter that the last couple subject lines might've said, this is week #37, & the 3rd week of this year's do my work for me contest. this entry comes from regular reader my sister. i'll break it up so i can hit each point.

Hmmmm
Topics of importance

California power crisis (man, they are stupid)

i can't pretend to be well-versed in this subject. after all, it's more than a thousand miles from here. but you'd think, when you hear keywords like "energy crisis" & "rolling blackouts", that there must be some massive energy shortage going on. but from what i understand, there's nothing of the sort. when i think of an energy shortage, i imagine power plants desperately struggling to generate enough energy to keep everything running, or perhaps empty energy stores (maybe a quaint image of a steam engine, with the engineer moving in to scoop in more coal & discovering there is none... ah, anachronistic metaphors...).

but that's not the case in california. the plants are running fine, & there's plenty more fuel to waste (i could take this opportunity to rant about how we need to move toward "alternative energy sources" like solar, wind, etc... but honestly that fact is so obvious it doesn't really need to be stated). there's no energy shortage, only a money shortage.

energy prices are goin' up! the illuminati, or whatever oligarchy controls fuel prices, has been slowly bumping up prices for years. nobody can really argue with them, because they control all the major energy sources (see previous parenthesis). meanwhile, organizations like opec have also been whittling down the supply by simply deciding not to produce as much. with a smaller supply, they can charge even more.

suddenly the local energy providers, already lumbering bureaucratic beasts thanks to their monopoly status, get stuck with the bill. & when they suddenly figure this out & try to in one huge increase pass on the ridiculous extra expenses to the consumers, everyone complains. there's no real energy shortage. there's definitely not a greed shortage. it's all financial, just numbers on paper. & when the power companies couldn't afford to pay their creditors any more: rolling blackouts. a totally artificial crisis has left millions of the countries most self-important people without power for hours on end.

how to rid myself of 5+ eggs a day ( those chickens are busy)

suggestions for increased egg usage: write a diet plan book titled "the all-egg diet" (or just skip writing the book & go straight to the infomercial). paint "nevada" on them & sell them to tourists. take up juggling. build model sperm & sell the sets as visual aids for biology students. paint faces on them & create a stop-motion cartoon called "the eggheads". start a local superstition that fresh eggs bring good luck at poker. convince neighborhood children that the easter bunny lives in your area & will hide eggs there year-round. throw them at coyotes.

Bush (well I guess you have covered that already)

it depends whether you're referring to a) the current u/s president, b) the american slang term, or c) the british slang term. for a), yes i've certainly already spent some time lampooning him, & hardly need to do more than point at your local newspaper or other media outlet. as for b), i've never gone too into the biological details, but i think some of my pursuits have been chronicled here pretty well over the years. & for c)... no comment.

Gas prices (how much can they rip us off for?)

it's funny you bring this up, because from what i can tell, this is almost exactly the same situation as the first point (california power crisis).

Horatio Hornblower

what this name immediately brings to mind is the john waters episode of the simpsons, where homer is telling john the things he resents about homosexuals. "you took all our best names!" homer says. "like lance, & julian. those were the toughest names we had!" alas horatio suffers from a similar malady. he could be a grade-a swashbuckler, & i imagine his tale is one of much seafaring excitement. but he will forever be scarred by the silly undertones that now cripple his name, thanks to modern sexual terminology & innuendo. "hornblower" these days is so obvious even children these days giggle at it. it doesn't help that "horatio" sounds suspiciously like "fellatio". it doesn't sound like a real swashbuckler's name at all, more like the cheap porno parody version that would hit the shelves a few months later. poor thing.