i just put the finishing touches on _the fezzuck_, my next full-length cd, last night, so it should be out soon. so today, i was discussing an upcoming compilation cd, specifically whether i should write a new song for it, when i caught myself making an odd statement: "i don't have too many projects now."

hmm, let's see... i'm in the middle of a reorg & redesign of the website (a silent, stealthy one, no "this site under construction signs" that stay up for years). i just sent out the call to begin work on the next animals within animals cd (want to be a member? email animalswithinanimals@yahoo.com). i still need to make at least 1 or 2 more music videos before we can release the upcoming bad taste video. & i need to work on the upcoming beep the speaker project.

what am i, on meth? i have all these music-related projects hanging over me, yet "i don't have too many projects". why do i keep increasing my to-do list, adding more & more delay & decreasing the chances of any one task being finished anytime soon? it's almost like being at work, except that i'm not getting paid & there are few if any deadlines, which means i can put it all off indefinitely.

oh, & the other main difference is that i really want to do all this stuff, when i rarely want to do what i'm supposed to at work. that's the key part. i think the problem is that i'm trying to have a life outside my job.

when you work full-time, your employer wants to own you. they want to wrap you in a little box & rattle you around like a kid on annual gift-giving day, saying "ooh, what's inside? sounds like a firetruck!" they want to grasp you in their jaws & shake you around like a squeaky chew-toy. your employer considers you their property, all because they pay you less than you feel you're worth (sometimes you're right) to do something that (if you're lucky) you used to love doing.

sure, you can get married on the side, raise some kids or 20 housecats, crochet or quilt or paint-by-numbers or do charity work or even be in a band. but those are all hobbie, trinkets they let you have so you can say with pride "i don't just read computer books! i also volunteer at a soup kitchen!" you only get that much because under federal labor regulations, forcing you to do their bidding 24 hours a day would be cost prohibitive. as soon as you become a financial burden, they cast you discreetly aside. "i'm sorry, but terminal death syndrome is not covered by our health insurance or disability program."

this doesn't describe everyone (especially not the self- or unemployed), but this is life in the corporate world. this is what it's like to be employed at most places. you spend the most substantial percentage of your time either working or preparing for work, & when you get home you're too tired to do much more. i know i often am, & i'm just a paper-pusher. i never lift anything heavier than a box full of 3 passes of a 1500-page book (in color separations). even if your employer isn't tangibly out to get you, the coldness of bureaucracy sure makes it seem that way.

well i refuse to be bound by my "career". it's just a day job (perhaps a day job i care too much about sometimes, but still just a day job). i will continue to pursue a life away from my job. the drive to create is too strong to be stifled. will i do a new song for the compilation? probably. will i finish all the other projects too? eventually. but i'll probably have several new projects in the works by then.