Untitled. by brian cleary CAST: REM and SYLVIA -- a couple. GOD A dark bed room. Two bodies lying in bed. REM suddenly sits bolt upright and fumbles for the lamp beside his bed. REM (shouting) What the hell was that?!?!?! SYLVIA (groggy and annoyed) What was what? REM knocks the lamp onto the floor, breaking it. He never got it to light. REM Shit! SYLVIA (turning on her lamp) Why were you going for your lamp anyway? REM (snapping back) Because I heard something. SYLVIA So, the lamp was to help you hear it better. REM No, it was so if the world was ending, I'd be able to throttle you before I died. The dark was slowing me down. SYLVIA I'm sorry, but I don't feel that any of this was my fault. REM What? SYLVIA Tonight. I don't think that was my fault. REM You said that you'd never had an orgasm-- SYLVIA (cutting him off) Which isn't my fault REM (continuing) In front of all our friends at a dinner party. SYLVIA It was a nice party. REM Yes, very nice. I especially liked the way our host made sushi having clearly never had any experience preparing food of any kind. SYLVIA Mike's a dear, though. REM Yes, charming. I need to thank him for the pain and vomiting next I see him, but the low point of the evening wasn't eleven people suddenly turning green and then fighting like William Golding's children over the one toilet. It was my verbal castration. SYLVIA I thought it would make a funny remark. REM Yes, while everyone was discussing Robert's new microprocessor, I'm sure they found it quite entertaining SYLVIA It couldn't have been any more embarrassing than when you tried to sing "Let It Be." REM What? I thought i did a rather good job. SYLVIA Are you serious? REM What??? SYLVIA No offense, but you sounded like Kermit the frog dying from a crack overdose. REM (to himself) Like fucking Kermit, i thought it sounded fine. SYLVIA You would. But still it isn't my fault that I've never orgasmed. REM PLEASE! Haven't we covered my inadequacies for the evening? SYLVIA It's just that women don't usually work that way, you know, by doing it. REM Oh, so it's by not doing it then? SYLVIA No. it just requires a little bit extra... (sweetly) Rem? Rem? (giving him that look) REM WHAT!?!? Are you serious? There's no way that I'm going to... She touches him. REM Well, alright then. He begins unlacing his pajamas. SYLVIA Umm, honey, not that yet. REM (getting the hint) Oh. He gets under the covers between her legs. We can't see what he's doing but, the motions are all wrong. She just lies there. After a little bit, he speaks. REM Hello? (pause) Alright, I'm going to go kill myself now. I'm sorry to have wasted your time. SYLVIA (lying) No, i was enjoying that. REM No, you were not. You were lying there like a dead animal. SYLVIA It takes time. REM Oh, I'm sure to get to the finale it takes time, but they hadn't even started sending up the little rockets, yet, had they? A loud boom. REM What was that? SYLVIA Maybe it's the end of the world. The area around the bed is flooded with harsh white light. Scenery starts toppling. Eventually, the whole set is trashed. Thunder accompanies the chaos. VOICE OF GOD Man has again strayed from the path I set for him, and has again been destroyed. REM Sorry, Lord. How have I offended you? It wasn't the thing with that girl, was it? I swear I though she was at least sixteen? VOICE OF GOD SHUT UP! No, man has failed to-- REM Honor you, Lord? How can we make it up to-- VOICE OF GOD SHUT UP! Not some stupid honor thing, I don't give a damn about going to church or what have you. Man has failed to please woman. REM (hesitant) But, lord, it's your fault. You seem to have faltered in their ability-- The thunder goes silent. God walks onto stage. GOD I know I know. Really it's not my fault. It was a simple mix up. SYLVIA A mix up? I've never orgasmed and it's a simple mix up? GOD A clerical mistake really. Okay, in my youth, I though it would be funny to make men only able to orgasm once per campaign, but make women to be capable of going many times. The obvious joke being that men could never rival women's potential. I figured that you people would figure a way around this. You know, discover methods of sex that lasted longer. From manual stimulation to employing a group system. I mean, it worked so well for bees. The problem that exists to day is due to a mathematical mishap. I decided that to protect women against orgasming strongly too many times in succession, the work involved in reaching climaxing for a woman is set at 27% harder than reaching climax for a man. Unfortunately, when i renewed the order to have you all made, i left that figure on the sheet. Therefore, each new generation, women find it 27% more difficult that the preceding. To make up for this surplus, some clerk in charge of evolution hid some of the excess sexual ability. SYLVIA Hid it? Where? GOD Terribly stupid clerk. He hid it in a woman. REM So? GOD So, this girl, Katherine, has two thousand years of female ability to orgasm stored inside her. SYLVIA So? GOD You think men go quickly? You'd be amazed. She climaxes brushing her teeth. Oh, her men think she's great because they feel like they are doing something right. That is until they finish and she is still going. They get dressed and she is still going. They get home form work and she is still lying there going at it. She can't help it. If the neighbors slam the door, she gets one. Oh the poor girl is tired all the time. REM So what now? SYLVIA Yes, have you destroyed the world? GOD Oh no. No. Just you two. REM AND SYLVIA WHAT? GOD Yes yes. quite. dead, completely disintegrated. Your new color TV exploded and showered you went x-rays so powerful that you both fell apart on an atomic level and were reduced to an unpleasant goo. REM Is that possible? God looks at Rem for a moment. REM Right. Stupid question. SYLVIA But, why? GOD Because you castrated him in front of all his friends. SYLVIA Just verbally, and I don't think it was really that bad. GOD Oh dear, just verbally? Sorry. REM Wait. If it's because what she said, why am I dead, too. GOD Because you were so stupid to be led around by the pecker after she had torn it off your body, even if only metaphorically. A wink and a nudge and all's forgiven. Ready to go back at it. Pathetic. Men are so dumb. SYLVIA Are you going to put us back? Since it wasn't literal castration and all. And since you were clearly confused if you thought he's was going to go back at it after you thought it had been torn off. It seems you really weren't paying close attention. GOD Haven't you even heard of the clock-maker god? REM If your a absentee-god, like a clock- maker why did you interfere at all? GOD Oh yes, I do see your point. SYLVIA So back then? GOD Umm...no. You're terribly annoying and I think you should be quite dead. Everyone freezes. Rem eventually steps forward out of the action to give a summary, REM So the moral is: men are stupid. Women, except that Katherine girl, are horribly mistreated by man and nature. And any god who actually cared to dabble in our daily affairs would have to a very stupid god. the end.