-={ To read previous 'Thoughts' on this page, visit the Archive of Past 'Thoughts' Postings }=-
My scribblings on a typewriter would print out like this--given that I was given a typewriter that lacked a space bar but not keys to digest. . .
lifesucksassifyouknowhatimeanbutwhoknowsrightnow?thewayiamfeelingdoesnothappeneveryday.
thestressofcollegewhilenotgettinganywhereinlifeingeneral,thatis,atraveleronaquesttowalkbutwithoutdestinationorresidency,
thelackofcomfortandsupportfromthisworldthatpreferstobitethehandsthatfeedsthemthemeatoftheirsustainment,
thetalksofr'matesbehindyourbackswhenyouarerighttherehearingeachworddespitemyguiseofaheadsetandsleepingsuchloyaltyinpeople,
thelackofappreciationforyouraccomplishmentsforhelpingothersorshowingdedicationtoagoalmorethanthepersonthemselves,
howyourhardworklaborsinksdownbecauseofincomptentleadershipandteamworksooobestoflucktocasayourtimehasendedwithourdeparture,
thefutilityoffeelingandfeelingwithoutreciporcationbutthathappensallthetimesowhybothertofeelanythingforiamnumb,arock,anisland,
thestupidityofoneanswerstatementsbyamathematicianandinabilitytoexpoundwithwordsyetwhocanblamepeoplelikethat'tis'meaculpa',
thestressandinabilitytofaceadayafterdayafterdayafterdayofteststhatgetmenowhereinmycareerfutureofaglobalwarmedworld,
differentfriends'inabilitiestocomfort24-7butsomefriendsdorelievethesoulwithoutmakingthattheirgoalbutjusttheirheartispureandtrue
(Thank.you.Pkay.Preuk,.'Artie',.and.Volleygrlz.for.your.strength,.words.of.wisdom,.soup.of.comfort,.and.smiles.of.warmth.and.radiance),
aformerloverwhocannotbepatientforpatienceisavirtuethatmaynotdeliverwhatyoualwayswantbutthenagaintimeisoftheessenceinlife,
myinabilitytomaintainacademicallybalancedyetbeingsociallyoverwhelmedwhilehuntingdownafuturethatdoesnotsuitmyinterestsandabilities,
sighsighsighsigh::exasperation::sighsighsighsigh::fatigue::sighsighsighsigh::jaded::sighsighsighsigh
'tis.mea.culpa.when.i.think.about.all.this.mess.in.my.head..if.i.did.not.have.to.be.such.a.perfectionistic.painter,
then.i.would.not.have.painted.mona.lisa's.on.the.people.i.meet,.the.events.in.my.life,.the.world,.nor.my.life.
dreams.are.for.those.who.want.only.what.you.can.picture.on.canvas..and.painters.kill.themselves.to.live.that.dream.on.canvas.in.spirit.
expectations.are.one.of.the.things.in.the.world.that.is.never.satisfied.like.that.of.an.appetite.for.knowledge,.for.love,.for.success.
thinking.is.the.drink.that.sustains.the.mind.and.from.there.you.are.the.gatsby.or.pechorin.of.life.
from.that.statement,.i.shall.state.that.there.are.three.types.in.this.world.superficially.(or.not),.(each.with.their.species):
1).the.gatsby's--the.dreamy.thinkers,
2).the.pechorin's--the.cold.thinkers,
3).the.bayardo.san.román's--the.superficial.scarecrows.(in.lieu.of.a.harsher.description).
which.one.are.you?
fact:.the.world.is.composed.mostly.of.wandering.scarecrows..so.be.wary.of.such.straw.stuffed.filling.lives.
. . .and so my typewriter daydream ends with the pains of reality and the release of my boggling mind's horrid thoughts.mea culpa
SYLLABICATION: me·a cul·pa
NOUN : An acknowledgment of a personal error or fault; Latin translation for 'my fault'.
ETYMOLOGY: Latin mea culpa, through my fault, [mea] feminine ablative of meus, my, + [culp a] ablative of culpa, fault."Mea Culpa" by Enigma
"Kyrie eleison
Christe eleison
Je ne dors plus
(The time has come)
Je te desire
(The time has come)
Prends moi
Je suis a toi
Mea culpa
Je veux aller au bout de me fantasmes
Je sais que c'est interdit
Je suis folle. Je m'abandonne
Mea culpa
Kyrie eleison
Christe eleison
Je suis la et ailleurs
Je n'ai plus rien
Je deviens folle
Je m'abandonne
Mea culpa..."http://www.oocities.org/SunsetStrip/Towers/7875/lyrics_mea.html
::sigh::
3:55PM: Murphree Dorm Desk
posted by John Khuu 2:43:46 PM
Before I begin my spew of thoughts:
1. Normalization of *regular* (emphasis on REGULAR) sleeping hours at home during spring break: *Failure* (same emphasis as 'regular')
2. Thought that's been in my head today (Tuesday):
----Studio portraits of families and individuals are misleading of who the persons pictured really are. Are we really that civil beyond the lens of the camera? Do we smile like that for everyone on the inside? Think about that. (I went to a picture studio this Tuesday evening.)
3. Thought that's been bugging me since Sunday:
----The world (or at least the United States) has become hostile nowadays: you cannot help or aidingly inform someone without being rudely cussed at, harshly lashed at, or intentions questioned--let alone not being thanked. The saying, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you", seems to have dissolved. Perhaps we have come to the point of killing the person who feeds us the fish, rather than let them teach us how to fish and feed ourselves for a lifetime. (Sunday night, I tried helping and informing people on Napster of their incorrect songs and labels.)And now, the feature presentation of the post. . . 4:58AM
5:01 AM 03/07/2001
Family, Traditions, Legacy Versus Love:
A Racial Conflict In An Asian Familyby John Khuu
Love. Hmmm, romantic love between two people is supposed to be forever and be the rubber cement that keeps people together. Forever and together. Right?
Ennnnnt. Wrong answer, or should I say wrong outcome?
When you come from an Asian family that lives by traditions and beliefs set long ago by ancestors (no, not forefathers--that's for the United States), traditions and future ideals are clothings that you have to fit into or at least grow into with little or no resistant; and when you don't want to fit into them--that's when the trouble and heartaches arise--like a bad stitching.
That is not to say that Asian traditions are totalitarianistic or dictatating lifestyles for Asian children. After all, Asian culture does teach us discipline and many other important life lessons from our parents and elders.
When I became involved with a girl of Filipino ethnicity--a different ehtnic group from Chinese or even different race group (depends on your view)--I did not anticipate much trouble or heartaches from my parents, but particularly my mother. After all, I have seen other racial couples--some of them being quite radical. Additionally, my sister is in one too. Isn't that more than enough to be okay?
Plus, I'm American born so that should give me some leniency or slack in traditions, right?Ennnnnt. Wrong answer, or should I say illogical fallacy?
Love should be able to see me through the tough times and keep hope alive for me and my former girlfriend. Love should be many things, but my expectations for love reminds me of Paul Simon singing his words of wisdom,
"Nature gives us shapeless shapes
Clouds and waves and flame
But human expectation
Is that love remains the same
And when it doesn’t
We point our fingers
And blame blame blame"
--"You're The One", Paul SimonI guess that is what I am trying to do. Point at my racial and ethnic background. Point at others who have 'defied gravity'. Point at anyone who could prove my case the other way. But hear me out please?
If I continued in this former relationship, I would not be able to bear the tears my mother cries to seek a Chinese woman, or at least close to Chinese. Even a girlfriend would have to be Chinese relatively. But that doesn't mean, "Chinese" is automatically accepted--there are other characteristics and personalities that have to be met--which I agree with. But ethnic background is such a big chunk of all of that.
I admit that I used to dream of marrying and being involved with a Chinese girl too. I dreamt that they would speak my obsolete (err, 'not too frequent') Chinese dialect, live by my childhood standards, etc. Then I grew up, and found that I dreamt too much, that Gatsby is dead, and that not many Chinese people speak my dialect at all, and if they spoke Chinese, it was Mandarin. Mandarin, a language my parents should have taught me too--which I still regret not growing up and learning. Anyway, growing up in the United States and being surrounded in a state of 'white people' and 'black people' populus, and hardly any Asian people around, well that makes childhood dreams falter and change.
Like a tailor, I changed those dreams and fit them into a new pattern to be worked with and stitched together. But an apprentice tailor should not go astray with what the master tailors have set. I did that and this has led me to rant here.
Family traditions passed on from culture has always given struggling Asian Americans issues to deal with in growing up and becoming an adult and entering the 'real world'. I understand how as Asians, we must carry on traditions and beliefs that have made my Chinese culture: Chinese.
When I chose to follow my mother's path of tears, I did so because of family love and my parents. Family love is strong too and should not be broken just like romantic love. As son of Chinese parents, however, I must stand and say I cannot go beyond a certain line. I chose my path not because of traditions, but more along the lines of family.
My mother through her tears tonight told me the little parable:
Little birds are fed and sheltered by their parenting birds. When they grow up and fly away, they must come back to give back what was given to them. That is to say, the life we're given by our parents should be given back to them as respectful and honorable merit of their energies and life.As much as I did not want to heed my parents, I realized that love is understanding. And hope Jonalyn will understand this dilemma that I grow up. (*tears*) I did not mean to cause the pains and heartaches that I have caused for Jonalyn and my parents--regardless of myself, for I need pain to thrive. My love for Jonalyn is true and (for her) "everything in her life". The path that I've chosen is not often travelled, as I presume, but somewhere down the line I hope I do not regret this. Though the tears build up in my eyes, I can feel a sense of regret in my decision.
But how can I say love is understanding, when I do not understand what I have done to Jonalyn. Love is a tug-o-war: you win or lose in your battles. I have thought about getting back with Jonalyn behind my parents' backs but do I dishonor my parents and lose their complete support in life? I bet movies portray incidents where the son or daughter walks out on their parents to be with their lovers. I realize that people in my positio have perhaps left their parents for their lovers. For them, I wonder how they did and what happened to their parents. Did their life end up like the family in the movie, "Father Of The Bride"?
*Shrugs*
I'm feeling down-n-out. It's morning again. I better crawl into bed. I bet she's still up at 6.30AM, my time.
Peace to the world that blows so softly compared to my life.
Love to my family and Jonalyn.
"I am fortune's fool."--RomeoI want to close with a quote from Counting Crows:
"And one of these dreams
You forgive me
It makes me think of the bad decisions
That keep you at home
How could anyone else have changed
But these are wrong conclusions
That leave you alone
How could everyone rearrange
How could everyone else have changed
What I see
I believe
For all the things I'm losing
I might as well resign myself to try and make a change"
--"I Wish I Was A Girl", Counting CrowsGoodnight/morning.
6:33AM, Home at the computer.
© 2001 All rights reserved to John Khuu for all thoughts, writings, and intellectual properties on this Website.
posted by John Khuu 4:23:54 AM
"Things are changing
But nothing changes
And still there are changes
Le roi est mort, vive le roi! [The king is dead, long live the king!]
There is no teacher
Who can teach anything new
He can just help us to remember
The things we always knew"
--Enigma (Odyessy Of The Mind)
Here on this page, I will lay upon to you, the reader, my thoughts that are not intended to teach but to remind us all of our past, mistakes, lessons, and all things that shape our lives.
posted by John Khuu 10:30PM
Woohoo, you are the 
th person to visit this page. I appreciate your visit to my poetry caf?
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