Dream

(feb. 2000) i saw you
last night.
i spoke, but
you didn't hear me.
i didn't know
why, and wondered.
and all i
heard was your laughter,
which always makes
me laugh when i'm down.
you walked toward
me, and i reached
out my hand,
but was stopped.
no matter how
i tried, i couldn't reach you.
an invisible wall
blocked me. maybe you wanted
it that way,
but didn't tell me.
i no longer
wondered why you couldn't hear me,
and a part
of me wondered if you ever had.
i retreated quietly,
mourning my loss,
the sound of
your laughter echoing
in my mind,
your gorgeous smile permanently
etched in my
mind's eye.



Waiting

(april 2000)
 You thrust me aside
In favor of those who
Will occupy you for only
A moment.
I understand why,
I think, but that isn't balm
For my bleeding heart.
Nevertheless, I--
Unchanging in my love
For you, and in my
Belief that you are
Perfect, absolutely perfect--
Will languish in the
Shadows of my unswerving
Devotion, waiting for you to
Pull me into the light.


Puppy Love

(august 2000)
 I was your puppy.
Still am, I guess,
But now unwanted.


The leash of my devotion to you
Tightens evermore around my
Heart, mind, and actions,
Incapacitating me.


You were my master.
Still are, I guess,
But now unknowing.


The love I'd searched for and
Thought I'd found has fled from
You, banished by an unknown demon,
A reason I've not discerned.


And yet...
Even as a puppy will return love
Where an uncaring master has
Given undeserved retribution,
I continue to flay my wounded heart,
Ignoring the consequences.



The Interview

(august 2000)
 The appointment card said "One o'clock;
Remember what you've done.
Bring only yourself and an open mind--
A cab can be sent if you need one."
The day came and I made my way
To the glistening white building on the hill.
I rang the doorbell, was shown into a hall,
My reflections a bitter pill.
A man came and said, "He'll see you now,"
And led me into the interview room.
At the desk sat a tall, regal Man
Whose eyes, unlike mine, held no trace of gloom.
"Do you know why I've asked you here?"
"I don't," I answered truthfully.
"Well, I'd like to strike a deal with you
In order to help a friend of yours, you see...
Or maybe more than a friend, to you," He mused.
"Do you recognize this face?"
He held up a picture for me to inspect.
Your visage was clear; I could mentally trace
Every curve. "What do you need of me?" I asked.
"I'll do it willingly."
"First hear what I have to say,
And then decide," said He.
"You know the problems he has with his health,
I assume? Well, you can change his life.
But before you answer, you should know
There's a catch to this sacrifice.
In order to help him, you must surrender
Your life in the state it's in now--
No death-bed repentance, no chance to fix it up--
It's kind of abrupt, but the time to decide how
Much he really means to you has come.
Do you need time to think
Or are you ready to answer?"
In the one split second on the brink
Of opening my mouth,
My sins flashed before my eyes--
Sexual experimentation, drinking, impatience,
Swearing, shiftlessness, demons I'd wanted to exorcise.
"Sir, I accept your offer, but if I may
Inquire, could I choose what you'll change?"
He smiled, as if He expected the question
And said, "I do believe I'd think it strange
If the one making the sacrifice didn't get to decide."
I thought for a moment, then presented my list.
"First, fix his colon, and then fix his back.
Give him the body he wants. Oh, and I insist
On this last--mend his broken heart, so he'll smile
Like he did when we first met.
If I could be there to see it, see him happy again,
My life would be complete, but my path is set.
I tried to be the one to heal his hurting heart,
But what I did wasn't quite right.
Maybe, by helping him *this* way,
In some small way I might
Make reparation for any pain I caused,
Whether it was out of jealousy
Born in my own dark heart
Or pain caused inadvertantly."
The Man smiled again, almost sadly.
"But how does he feel about you?"
"That doesn't matter--I know I'm just a friend
With almost no chance to renew
What we had, what I cherished, and still hold dear.
That is inconsequential--the part
That matters is *his* health and happiness,
Not what I give up or how I feel in *my* heart."
The Man stood and took my hand
In His and gripped it tenderly.
"So the deal is set?" He asked.
"Yes," I answered, realizing heartrendingly
That I would never see you again,
Never feel your touch,
See you smile, hear you laugh,
Or lose myself in your kisses that I love so much.
'Maybe it would have been that way
No matter what,' I thought
As I was escorted back down the hall.
'But at least this way the help I sought
To give you will actually help you.
My efforts to be everything you wanted, and all
You'd dreamed of were clumsy, sophomoric,
But I'd actually believed you'd fall
For me like I did for you. Fate,
However, is a fickle mistress,
And one I won't willingly serve.
I hope you don't feel any distress
Over what I've decided,
What I've chosen to do--
There never was a choice, because
I'd give anything for you.'