February 16, 1999

If you were here last month (or just a few minutes ago) I'll just say now that i never finished my story. I just left it as it was....something I only said. Once i finally got to my computer to start wording it down, I found it was rather mechanical, being that that's the way i remembered it.

Lately though, i've been thinking about something a former teacher of mine said to me in response to something I said about waiting for inspiration: "sometimes you just have to sit down and force yourself to write." What a crock. Oh well, it's worth a try...even if it HAS been 3 1/2 years and I haven't figured out any sort of significance for it yet. Except maybe for the fact that I can sit here and write forever about the fact that I have nothing to say.

Yeah, that's it...maybe... Because people do believe that creating something starts from having nothing. Well, inspiration is something, yes? Well actually, if you don't have inspiration, then that BECOMES your inspiration...so scratch that.

Maybe it has to do with simply pulling something out of yourself as opposed to drawing from outside sources. Hey! That means you wouldn't have to give credit to anyone but yourself. Soooo that means that forcing yourself to write could be a selfish act. So if it is a selfish act, is it intentional? If it's not, then that's very very sad. If it IS intentional, it might be a statement...saying that you needn't try to be 100% selfless because it just DOESN'T WORK.

Or maybe none of that matters at all. And in case you didn't know, I sat down and forced myself to write this. I had nothing to say, and yet i've covered nearly a page and a half of my legal pad. And furthermore, it shows a little of my frustration, and that could work to bring out what I might need to let go of...maybe...

Sooooooo to answer my first question. Is it worth it? Well, I'd say yes...and only because you could probably draw something from yourself that you wouldn't normally expect. That might seem like what you do all the time, but it might be a little different. When you're inspired by an outside source, you have a general direction of where you want to go...based on that source...if you have nothing, you will be going around in circles on paper and fussing and moaning while not paying too much attention to what's coming out...maybe...so when you finally take a look at it, it could surprise you.

But don't take my word for it. Do it yourself and see what happens. In the words of this teacher in my paraphrasing, "fuck anything you write...I don't care about it. It might be creative writing but as long as you fill up the notebook it doesn't matter if it's a diary, or a shopping list. I'm much too busy being me and making rules to think about creativity."

Okay that's enough of me for now. Thanks for listening, and be sure to check out the rest of my page, and then force yourself to write about everything you see. And then give it to me so I don't ever have to say anything about it. Have a nice day.

The end for now . . . nice day for somethin' . . .

Words of Wisdom: "If there aren't enough thoughts pissing around in your brain, drink more water"