"Hey, what's the matter? Don't tell me 'nothing'. There's nothing
I hate more than nothing. Nothing keeps me up at night."
---Edie Brickell and The New Bohemians, Nothing


   Finding his office was a chore. Not that she hadn't been there before, and not that she was bad with directions-- she had, and she wasn't. But she'd gone in the back way to avoid seeing that bloody fountain, and Hargrove Hall was a maze. All university buildings were, really. The architects probably considered navigation part of a well-rounded education.
   She didn't have any reason to expect he'd be there, other than his absence at the station and the silence at the loft. He might have been anywhere, and god knew she wouldn't have been in any hurry to return to this place. But Sandy seemed to be something of a 'get back on that horse' sort of guy, and he did have to go back sometime.
   Once she found the right hallway, finding his office wasn't much of a trick. It was the only one with lights on at such a late hour.
   She let her heels click on the floor as she walked, but still she saw him before he saw her. He was tapping something into his laptop, eyes fixed on the screen. He was wearing his glasses and his hair was brushed through which was good. The less he resembled the body they'd dragged from the water, the happier she was.
   "Sandy."
   He looked up and stared for a few seconds before remembering to smile.
   "Sorry," he said, "I've been at this way too long."
   She moved into the office and took the seat in front of his desk.
   "Writing about what happened in Peru?"
   "Uh...yeah." he pulled a pencil from behind his ear and tossed it into a desk drawer. "Technically it should go into my diss, but I feel kind of weird about that. I figured I'd get it down and worry about it later, you know?"
   It was a pleasure to have him meet her eyes so steadily, no wariness, no deception.
   "Thank you," she said, "for being so honest with me."
   His smile broadened.
   "I didn't have a whole lot of choice."
   She had to smile at that. She believed there was a decent chance he might have told her anyway.
   "You don't have anything to worry about from me."
   "I know. His expression was perfectly serious. "I'm not sorry I told you. That's the one thing that's not bothering me right now."
   She settled back in the chair, which was comfortable enough but nothing she'd want to spend hours in. If he was willing to talk, she was going to recommend a late dinner.
   "Did you want to talk about it?"
   He gave her a faint smile and shook her head.
   "No. I don't think there's anything to talk about. I just...feel strange."
   "Perhaps there's another shaman in town."
   As soon as it was out, she was sorry, but thankfully, Sandy laughed.
   "No," he said with a wicked grin, "I think I know that feeling."
   She reached across the desk and put a hand over his, patted it.
   "I would have missed you like crazy, Sandy."
   That damped the smile, but he didn't take offense at the mention of his death. He met her eyes.
   "Thanks."
   She pulled her hand back.
   "Sandy...the official report says that Alex pulled a gun on you. Is that right?"
   "What, in my office?" he asked.
   "Yeh. I believe that's what you told Simon in the hospital."
   His mouth twitched.
   "I believe that's what I told him too, but don't hold me to it. I was kind of preoccupied."
   "Right, well, is that how you remember it?"
   His eyes narrowed, just a little.
   "Is this an official visit, Megan?"
   "No. I just want...I can't imagine how you woke up in that fountain. It makes no sense."
   "Oh." He leaned back. "Well, you're gonna be disappointed to hear this, but it doesn't make sense to me either. I don't remember what happened after she said she was going to kill me."
   She frowned.
   "And this doesn't fuss you at all?"
   "No." his eyes were wide open, innocent. "Why should it? I'm alive, she's not a threat anymore...it's over."
   She hated to push, but it was unbelievable that no one had confronted him on this.
   "I can understand your not wanting to think about it, but don't you think you've got to? This was a horribly traumatic event in your life. you can't just pretend it didn't happen. It's not healthy."
   He raised an eyebrow, a trick which no doubt drove Jim up a wall.
   "I can't help what I don't remember, Megan."
   "Of course you can! I'm sorry, I don't mean to shout, but that's idiotic. I've seen you hypnotize Jim."
   That hit home. he blinked and lowered his head, unwilling to meet her eyes.
   "Fees like old times," she muttered. "Sandy, I really think you ought to speak with someone about this. Have you at least talked with Jim?"
   Blair raised his head and stared at her, startled enough to bark out a laugh.
   "Sorry," Megan said. "Stupid question. Look, you know the police department has a psychologist..."
   Blair was looking at her the way she imagined he looked at particularly dense students.
   "Megan...what am I gonna say? I can't talk about how Jim was acting or why. I can't explain how I got involved with Alex. I've been in and out of therapy a lot in my life, and I'm telling you, there's no point if you can't tell the truth."
   "Maybe so," she allowed. "But...you really don't remember anything?"
   "Nope," Blair said, but his eyes were looking right through her and his skin had gone pale.
   "Sandy?"
   "I died," he breathed. His eyes focused on her, wide with horror.
   Megan had wanted him to talk, and she knew she should let him talk, but now that he was talking she just ached for him and there was no way she would ever have the stomach to push him again.
   "Sandy...you don't have to..."
   "My body knew it was dying, and it was screaming. There was something in me that wanted to live so bad...it was going crazy. I've never felt panic like that. God, Megan, I couldn't do anything and it was howling at me..."
   Megan went around the desk, and she took him in her arms.
   "It's all right, love," she murmured, running a hand down his hair. "You're alive; you're perfectly safe."
   He was trembling against her shoulder, but he didn't lean into her warmth, didn't accept comfort. She tried for a few more minutes, whispering to him and stroking his back. The only result was that he started to cry. Silently, just one tear after another without any sign of a break in the weather.
   Megan sighed and reached for the phone. It only rang once before a clipped voice answered.
   "Ellison."
   "It's Megan. Look, Jim, I know you and Sandy are on the outs right now..."
   "We are not 'on the outs'," he snapped. "What is this about?"
   "I'm an Sandy's office. We were having a bit of a talk about...um... the fountain, and he's quite upset. I thought--"
   "Jesus, Conner, why did you bring that up?"
   "Because somebody had to!" she said, barely managing not to shout next to Sandy's ear. "I can't believe that you--"
   "Megan," a soft voice said from beside her neck, "leave him alone. I'm fine."
   He didn't sound fine, not anything like it. She heard Jim draw in a deep breath.
   "Don't let him go anywhere. I'm coming down there."
   Megan hung up the phone. Sandy gave her a quick hug.
   "He really doesn't need to be bothered with this right now," he said, gently pushing her away. "I'm fine. I just had a little nervous breakdown; it's over; it's all good."
   She knelt in front of him and lay a hand on his cheek.
   "You're quite completely mad," she said fondly. He rolled his eyes, which convinced her it was all right to go back to the chair.
   "How are things at home?" she inquired once she was settled. Sandy laughed.
   "You sound like a social worker. Honestly, everything's fine. I mean, it's a little awkward, but it'll smooth out. Just gotta give it some time."
   "He loves you to bits, you know."
   Sandy's eyes were troubled, but he nodded.
   "Jim's a good friend."
   In Megan's opinion, a good friend would have shown more interest in the welfare of a friend who'd nearly died, but she held her tongue. She held it for a good long time, the entire twenty minutes it took for Jim to show up at the office door.
   "She shouldn't have called you, man, I'm sorry," Sandy said. Jim ignored him. His eyes were locked on Sandy's face, searching for something.
   "You all right, Chief?"
   "Yeah. I just got a little rattled. No big deal."
   Jim nodded curtly and turned his attention to Megan, who could have done without it.
   "You just don't know when to leave something alone, do you? Does it ever occur to you that something might not be your business?"
   She got to her feet, trying to convince herself that it would be ill-advised to shoot him.
   "Sandy is a friend of mine. I was concerned for him and rightly so, as it turns out. Did it ever occur to you to wonder how he ended up in that fountain when Alex arrived meaning to shoot him, or were you too busy thinking about all the places she might keep her gun?"
   "Megan, don't!" Sandy was coming around the desk to step between them. "Come on, you know better than that."
   She did, but it didn't stop her being mad as hell. Jim had done more than the usual amount of rubbing her wrong in the past few weeks.
   "Sorry," she ground out. Sandy looked at her warily, then slowly backed away to lean against the front of his desk. He saw Jim looking at him and shrugged.
   "She came here to ask me that, and I told her I don't remember. I don't really wanna remember, you know?"
   "Yeah." Jim said. He didn't seem to trust his voice any further.
   "He remembers dying," Megan said under her breath. She was startled to see Jim's eyes turn to her with feral sharpness. Damn it, she could not keep forgetting that he heard everything.
   "I don't think he needs to dwell on that."
   "I think he's going to dwell on it at some level until he's dealt with it properly."
   "I'm sorry, Conner, do you have some psychology degree I don't know about?"
   "Guys, I am in the room!"
   They turned to him, saw the exasperation on his face.
   "Sorry."
   "Sorry, Chief." Jim placed a hand on his shoulder. "C'mon, I'm buying dinner."
   Megan couldn't say anything, She'd already said more than was welcome. But it burned in her gut that Jim intended to sweep this under a rug. Easy for him; he hadn't seen the look on Sandy's face.
   She followed them out of the building. She didn't know if the dinner invitation had included her, and didn't care. She was going to stick with that kid until someone told her to stop.
   They were nearly out the front door when she realized that they were going to walk down those steps and right past that fountain. Of course they were--avoiding the issue so obviously as to go out the back way would have been the same as admitting that something had happened.
   It was a credit to Sandy's willpower that he kept it together as long as he did. He'd already done quite well, going to his office, staying there by himself...but now there was a crack in the dam. When they were far enough along that the fountain was right beside them, it couldn't hold anymore.
   He stopped and stared at the water with that same horror that had sickened Megan in the office.
   "Chief?" Jim said nervously, standing at arm's length away.
   Megan wanted to scream at him, tell him to show Sandy a little of what he showed every other person who needed him. That soothing voice, the gentle protectiveness, all those Sentinel traits Sandy's book had gone on about. But she kept still, and Jim didn't move, just stood there, reaching for Sandy's arm with a shaking hand.
   "C'mon, let's go."
   Sandy gasped the way he had when the air had first come back into his lungs, then the tears started again. Not silent this time, they sounded as though they were putting a gash in his throat. he fell to his knees, and Megan dropped to his side.
   "Sandy..."
   She rocked him, but he didn't even seem to notice she was there. She looked up, intending to tell Jim to tend to his friend, but the expression on Jim's face put that thought out of he head. The Sentinel of the Great City would walk into a burning building without a second thought, he could comfort another Sentinel as he went hopelessly insane, but this he could not handle. Possibly he just wasn't much damned good without his partner at his shoulder.
   "I'm just guessing," she told him. "I don't know much about this Sentinel thing, but I think he needs you, Jim. Specifically, and exclusively you. Do not just stand there."
   He gave her the oddest look when she said that, something akin to hope. There was a light in his eyes that she hadn't seen for months as he knelt beside them.
   "Blair...don't do this, huh? Drives me nuts." He pulled Blair into his arms. "C'mon, give me a break here."
   Sandy cried harder, but he pressed against Jim as though he'd reached dry land.
   "Jim..." he wailed. "Oh, God, Jim, I died...make it go away..."
   Jim shut his eyes and Megan could have sworn that look on his face was bliss. Where the hell was that coming from?
   "Stop it," he said, with more warmth that Megan had heard in his voice before. "Knock off the crying, Chief. You're fine. I promise. Shh..."
   When Sandy finally did stop, his cheeks were flushed, and he buried his head in Jim's chest to avoid looking him in the eye.
   "Sorry about that, man," he mumbled.
   "You should be," Jim told him. "You made a mess of my shirt." he hugged Sandy close for a second. "You okay now?"
   He nodded. Jim ruffled his hair.
   "Good. Let's go back to the loft, I can change my shirt, and I'll buy the two of you dinner. You up for that, Conner?"
   Megan gave him her very best smile. He'd absolutely earned it.
   "Yeah, sounds great."

   It wasn't until a few days later that she had a chance to corner Jim without his partner and ask him why in God's name he seemed so annoyingly content.
   She'd expected a brush-off, but instead, he smiled broadly, and clapped her on the shoulder.
   "Sandburg is the worst scientist in the world," he said cheerfully. "He's personally involved, his emotional dependence is very strong, and at times he actually seems to think the goddamned sun shines only for his research subject. I'm not sure what he's gonna do about his dissertation, but I'll tell you, he's made a mess of this project."
   Megan stared at him.
   "But, that's awful...he's been working on this for years."
   "Yeah," Jim said with a wide grin. "It's a hell of thing. Good thing he's young enough to start something new. When you think about it, his life's barely started. You know," he added, slipping an arm around Megan's shoulders, "I hear a near-death experience can really put your priorities in order. He's been doing a lot of thinking lately. I'm sure he'll figure something out."
   He gave her shoulders a quick squeeze and walked away. She didn't have Sentinel hearing, couldn't be sure, but damned if that bastard wasn't whistling