DEEP THOUGHTS

by Jack Handey

Instead of crucifying a guy on the cross. Why not a wind mill? That way you get the pain and dizziness.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you are drunk

Before a mad scientist goes mad, there's probably a time when he's only partially mad. This is the time when he throws his best parties.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "Thats dynamite, baby."

Too bad you can't buy a voo doo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and feak everybody out.

To me clowns aren't funny, In fact they're are kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.