April Fool's Day...(1), 1998

Ever since I was a kid I always wanted to be at the giving instead of receiving end of April Fool's jokes. Well this year...my dream came true. Total...5! Along with Amanda's MOUSE idea and my emergency need for shelter, I got myself some great laffs. The best one though came from my ex, Roman who was subjected to me calling in a so-called "emergency" from the hospital with a broken leg. "How did you do that?" ...he pondered as he quickly made arrangements to come pick me up..."Well you won't believe it," I quipped, "but Angel (my adventurous cat) jumped off the veranda and started to run away and I jumped off after her"...(2nd floor veranda that is...) He seemed agitated as he cooly responded, "well that takes the cake TaMarah. I take you up on a skiing trip and you don't take any chances, but then you jump off the veranda? I'll never understand YOU!" "I'm sorry," I innocently replied, "I hate to bother you but I can barely walk on these new crutches." Finally, as he was about to leave his job and meet me at the hospital (sweet eh?) I said, "yeah I REALLY HATE putting you to this trouble...especially on April Fool's day, April Fool!" AHHAHAHAHAHAHA Well he said very cooly, "You Got Me." Oh NO, I know that coolness and what it means, I better be watching out for the next 6 months since I'm sure revenge will be on his goal sheet. :) But I tell you, it was the most fun I had on April Fool's day in years! A joke is always fun, especially if it's at someone else's expense.

Well I should tell you about skiing last week with him. I finally graduated from the bunny hill and came down a real trail called the CHIKADEE at WentWorth. Well, I don't think I got such a fulfillment out of any other accomplishment in all my life. I spent the morning on the bunny hill practising my turns as I hadn't been on skis for 2 years and I have only been on them a total of 5 times in my whole life! Anyway I was grumbling about my fear of heights and my stops etc. when the bunny guide said out of the blue, " well maybe you should take up a sport like golf, or pool, without the risk." I looked at him as if he were nuts, then declared, "are you saying you don't think I can learn to ski?" He remained mute and as soon as Roman finished his trailblazing on the EXPLOSION (which looked to me as if it were on a 45 degree angle with bumps..which I now know have names called Moguls) I declared,
"it's time! If I don't do this NOW while we have a slow day at the slopes and it's nice weather, I'll be on the bunny trail when I'm 50!"
:) Well....his jaw dropped.
"What brought this on? I thought you said something like it's gonna be a couple of more years yet?"
"Well little Mr. Expert here said I should take up pool and forget skiing if my fear of heights is so bad."
"Damn how come if I said that you wouldn't speak to me for a week, I've wanted to say something like that to get you going for years..."
"Quit laughing at me" I said sheepishly..."Let's go!!"

And GO we did...up the lift off it...didn't fall once!! and then down the CHICKADEE, once, twice...then THREE TIMES...the last time was the best with only one fall and faster than the speed of sound. *LOL* After the first disastrous run when I spent more time rolling around in the snow and trying to get my skis off so I could stand up, I thought I'd never make it back but as soon as I saw "Mr. Instructor", all determination came back and then the second time was easier, and finally the third was magical. Oh the feeling of the wind against my face as I came roaring down that trail..ok well it was probably very slow but to me it was SPEED...:) When we came to the hills I just screamed for Roman to not speak since with this Attention Deficit thingy I have in my brain, talking to me while I'm skiing down a hill, doesn't seem to work out...!! :) Anyway I felt like lightening streaking through the air. As I made it towards my last hill, I took the tie from my hair and let it beat with the breeze as I came roaring down to the final leg of my journey. WHAT a feeling...I LOVED it...had to be one of the biggest thrills of my life. ( ok so I don't get out much..hahaha) Well Roman came easing on by, bored to tears with this trail but I think he got some satisfaction after finally seeing me make it down. I told him I'd never have done it without him, he wished me well and it was almost a sad feeling between us. Almost as if inside we felt the loss of something inside, for a moment. Almost like a feeling of "leaving home". Maybe Roman's purpose in my life was higher than a steady boyfriend. I have truly learned so much from him, even though he gets on my nerves quite a bit ... hey...I'm sure I bug him too sometimes. One thing for sure is...even after everything we've experienced together, I trust him entirely and will ALWAYS consider him one of the best friends I've ever known ... one who stuck by me through thick and thin, who didn't take my crap and stopped giving me his, even if it took alot of pain for the both of us to realize how we were dishing it out to each other. He's a great guy and will always be the one I go to when I REALLY need a friend. I hope he finds a great gal someday...I'd love to go to his wedding. :) ...or at least send him a nice wedding gift! :)

Anyway, "Mr. Instructor" came over himself to congratulate me. "I knew you could do it and if I hadn't of said that, you might NEVER have tried so hard." :) I must say "Mr. HardBall" was a mighty fine teacher. I thanked him and Roman and I moved on, he back on the lift, me for a juice and a break.

NOW I CAN'T WAIT FOR IT TO START SNOWING AGAIN!!! NEXT YEAR, I'M GOING TO SKI ON THE SLOPES OF MY HOME PROVINCE...WESTERN NEWFOUNDLAND, WHICH IS SAID TO HAVE THE BEST TRAILS EAST OF MONTREAL.!!! Hope they have one for Beginners!!!!!

Night All...luve. TaMarah

April 15/98

Good grief??? dont' think so!!! Charlie Brown...there is nothing good about grief! I really dont' know what Karma is trying to teach me this past year and a half or so...maybe it's to see just how strong I really am. But there seems to be no end to the death which is influencing my energy and life force. When this cycle of death subsides, I feel that I will truly be in a position to grow, learn and LIVE maybe more effectively than I ever have in my whole lifetime...

I'm not sure how I feel knowing that my dad lays dying in a nursing home, in another province. It's a bitter end for a man who was so proud and at times so "in control." Part of me wants to run to his side and hold his hand the way he used to hold mine when I threw up every month with my "monthly cramps"... Part of me also wants to get angry and say..."why did you get sick and get weak ... this is not the way YOU are!" Then still more of me cries out and begs to know if our lifelong pattern of fighting with each other was because of both our illnesses...he parkinson's/ dementia and me chronic depression/ADD. Perhaps both of us were sick and didn't know it, after all my father was in his late thirties before I was delivered by the stork. I always felt like a burden to my dad. He told me I was at times and that he didnt' want another child but he got me to please my mother. I often felt as if I was ordered straight from the Sears Catalog ... especially when I was dressed up and taken out as the "adopted little girl" but told to stifle it when there was any emotion to be had! I probably was a burden to him though...and he got me back as he became a burden to me...an emotional burden. Our relationship, as troublesome as it was, did help me become alot of what I am today - both the good and the bad! My fighting spirit both was learned from and because of my father. I had to fight against him in order to survive and become independent and challenge his authority and belief systems in my life, however, I also learned that very fighting instinct, which created such havoc between us, from him, I'm certain.

When he kept calling my name last year from the nursing home bed which was to be his new home, I was reluctant to go home and visit. I did it though, as difficult as it was. I walked in and when I saw the unrecognizable human frame where my father used to be, I broke down. He took my hand and squeezed it and tears trickled down his face slowly...I don't know where his mind had travelled or where he was at that moment but he knew...he knew my pain, my burden and how he had hurt me...I could see it in his eyes. I smiled through my tears and held back, the first time in many many years that I was close enough to physically touch him. Somehow deep inside, I knew he also knew that I forgave him and that I was trying to leave the burden behind...and to put his soul at rest. That moment did change my soul forever. My life circumstances or problems have not really improved alot in a year....but my soul has. I have a peace inside that I have never known and I have a comfort in my heart that I have made peace with my father. The whole experience made me understand the traditional phrase, "rest in peace".

Parkinson's is a hateful disease. It is a slow deterioration of the body and eventually brain. I know my father's first signs of it now looking back were his loss of ambition or interest in life. He just seemed to give up and though I and the rest of us did everything we could to motivate him to want to just do simple things...it was to no avail. I used to be so angry at him for that when I was younger. How could he not want to help me put my new bookshelf together? Go to that movie or do simple things around the garden the way he used to?...it was he who taught me the beauty of nails and a hammer for at one point he was forever going around "fixing things." I often thought I'd like to be a carpenter someday, like him, but it wasn't a "girly" thing to do. I know I tried everything to please him at one point in my life and nothing seemed to work. I don't know now if he was unhappy because he was sick with Parkinson's at the time, or if he was just a stubborn soul! Whatever the reason, it left me feeling like I had a hallowness inside that could never be quite fulfilled. These days my lack of regard for others people control or opinion of my goals and belief systems is probably a result of that time in my life when I finally made a decision to live for myself and not seek other's approval.

This past year though, I've been able to remember some of the wonderful times I shared with my dad growing up. Though things were ugly and unfulfilling for many years, there were many good things in my father that showed he did love me, in spite of me being an added "burden" in his life. Thinking back there were many; he risked getting in trouble for confronting a guy who attacked me when I was a teenager...he did try to set limits and rules which I broke most of the time.... He did give me everything materially that he had to offer...(spoiled me in fact) and though he didn't give me all positive emotional things (understatement?)....he gave me what he had...all of it! He took me and our family on long drives and picnics when I was tiny...he brought us all to see fun movies at the drive in where we snacked on popcorn and laughed the night away. One night we all had such a big thrill when we saw a shooting star fall out of the sky just behind the movie screen...I was so excited I didnt' stop talking about it for weeks. It was far better than any movie...another time we got there at the wrong time and instead of the Walt Disney feature, an adult scary movie was playing about a plant that came to life and started eating people! Well when I screamed as hard as I could and hid in under the back seat and of course dad saw it fit to take me us all home where I would feel safe. My brother wasn't pleased as he got a kick out of seeing me so NERVED. :)))

I don't understand things sometimes unless they are said directly,as I'm learning about how the Attention Deficit has played a role in my behaviour and life circumstances, I can see my need for clear and repetitive directions as one of my limitations. For some reason, the past week or so, knowing dad is on his final end of the journey here, I keep remembering things that happened between us and how he was trying to teach me things, through life lessons. Since these lessons weren't spoken of, I thought he didnt' care and it's only now I see the relevance of what was going on. For example when I got old enough to drive and had my first car... (gift from him!) I took to driving all over the place and not coming home sometimes. Eventually I wouldn't come home for days. Even though I felt tension and anger around the home because of my actions, nobody "said" not to do it...most people might have figured it out that it was not the right course of action to take but I took that silence as "noone caring" so I kept it up. Now I see how my own behaviour just added to our communication problems, even though I blamed everything on him for years and years.... I wish things had of been different between us, but they are now and will be forever. At least my father's spirit has hung on and Karma has allowed me the beauty of these insights. I wouldn't be surprised if is spirit is reaching me now...as it touches my heart with our memories, knowing that the bad stuff, was tainted by two people who were fighting, against illnesses that made them in turn fight against each other. (April 16/98) As dad fights for his last few breaths I can't help but be a little selfish and hope he hangs on til I get there to just hold his hand one last time. *tears* Fate is in Karma's hands now and at least my soul has been released of anger. I will have a tough day trying to get things organized and hook up with a standby seat so I can try and make it in time. I trust my Guardian angel to take dad my message for me if I don't make it home to give it to him directly.. "Dad I love you, in spite of everything and I know you love me too. "