March 3/1999

Happy March! Wow...I can't believe it...life is so different than it was a year ago! Finally some peace. Well for the most part! :) I really can't believe people. They amaze me ...as they scare me at the same time. I recently had a complaint sent to my old server about me sending mail to someone that didn't want it!! It all sounded so strange...almost like I was being harassed by someone with false complaints. I couldn't get any information from my server...as I was on a HUGE one and they said there was no time. That's when I decided I wanted to be on a more helpful server that could protect me from harassment. It all worked out perfect as I get so much more information about the internet here now and...it's cheaper with more working hours free! Anyway...it's unsettling to know that just when I'm settling down, this net stuff is acting up again. I have learned alot about net abuse in the past. The net can be a haven for manipulative people who don't have the guts to handle the real world. I've got an inkling that someone hacked my account and has been sending letters from my server and using my name on them, but it's difficult to get the info. Now on my new server (the best server I've seen so far except for the slow delivery during early morning net traffic..) I'm able to keep a better eye on abuse and harassing notes or hackers.

I sometimes get a little nervous about these interferences from my past as it means I get faced with my past. I wonder how sick the people in my past really are and if they would try to cause me physical harm. A few years back I was at a very emotionally vulnerable time in my life...and people please learn from MY mistakes..when you are down and out, it's not the time to find new friends! I came in contact with some dooooozies. MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER does not begin to describe some people who I associated with, thinking I had found a new and decent friend. I'll never forget one instance of a total nut. I used to run into her in all kinds of places and she always seemed "desperate" for attention to me. I found I could never get a conversation going with her that didn't include "HER" life drama in the middle of it...if the attention went in a different direction for even 2 minutes...she'd start a bizarre conversation or began mind screwing everyone around . It's as if she always had to feel like she was an outstanding member of society, when in actuality, she was quite ordinary and not particularly gifted but seemed to feel the need to pretend she was. She seemed to have an awful disdain or simple lack of acceptance of herself. Sad in some ways! Perhaps when I met her I was at the same level...but I'm not NOW! I was going through a difficult transition in life, had just lost a dear friend and so on and I really believe grief totally interferes with life choices. Since this person only cares to hang with people in a funk or who choose to put her on the pedastel she needs to be on, our relationship didn't last long...!! Thank Karma! I was not comfortable in her "strange " energy but I tried to overlook it and be a friend. I struggle with my own awareness about people on times and the fact that I want to believe that caring and loving someone will help any situation. Unfortuneately, some people don't respond to love. Goodness knows I didn't for years, however, it's a tough lesson when you grow to care for a person and then have them turn into a Mr. or Mrs. Hyde before your eyes. In the situation from my past that I am completely boring you with, a problem arose and I talked with her ex to confirm my suspicions that I was dealing with a bit of a freak. I found out that I was right and my would be friend was not the honest decent person she would have me to believe. He confirmed everything in every detail. A pattern of behaviour was soon clear and when she found out I made contact with her ex, I'll never forget how she totally lied and manipulated in order to gain control over the situation. He seemed to be a very vulnerable person, and quickly got sucked right back in. Of course I didn't know him, so he might have been manipulated in any number of ways...Anyway...HE TURNED ON ME AND BECAME ANOTHER MR. HYDE AS WELL!

I guess I'm pretty naive. I can't believe people actually go through life not facing their own illnesses and bad energy, mostly because I do so much work on my own life and Karma. It's sometimes very difficult to fight back bad karma and people who are negative and refuse to do anything about thier life problems. I've gotten alot better at it that is for sure. It helps to have a supportive husband and lots of great friends and finally a GREAT LOVE FOR MYSELF! That's the biggest thing...I think too much of myself to accept negative people in my life anymore and I refuse to put up with bullshit. I don't believe anyone will ever abuse or attempt to betray me again...they won't get the chance simply because I've learned to pick out decent people for friends and confidantes.

I know alot of people from my past are just prancing around in the same dull dreamlike state using people and manipulating others. Perhaps a mental illness prevents them from changing...perhaps they are simply JERKS. They would never pick someone who could put them in their place when they begin to use others, since they really have no guts. They probably get really irritated when/if they think of me and and the rest of their ex's and find that we're doing extremely well except for wasting time writing a few paragraphs about them in our online journals!

I just hope this is the last look into my past relationships that were awful. I have moved on and karma is guiding my life and I'm growing spiritually by leaps and bounds. Let us just hope that I will have no more reminders of my own stupidity or simple vulnerability...it's over...OVER...THANK KARMA'S GRACE...SO TAKE YOUR BALLS AND GO HOME PLEASE!! YOU MAKE ME SICK...YOU DIDN'T WANT TO TREAT ME DECENT WHEN I KNEW YOU AND YOU'RE ANGRY CAUSE I WOULDN'T TAKE IT? GROWWWWWWWW UP AND LOOK IN THE MIRROR. ahhhhh That felt great...PURGE> :)

It's all about power and a need to have attention without doing the work to get it. I sometimes send a positive energy around the people from my past..not for them, as I know many are too far gone to receive it..however, for the people who come across them who will get hurt by them. I always wish for innocent people to see the truth of bad karma as quickly as possible and stay away from the darkness of lies and manipulation. When manipulative people can't find anyone to "play" with and they are forced to look in the mirror at themselves all alone, they MIGHT have some hope of changing...otherwise...they'll wind up old, ugly and all alone, the way karma wants them to be...

I try not to send off bad revengeful energy to anyone..Karma will do the revenge...far better than I will...and in a way I pity those who refuse to head towards positive light. I've seen what Karma can do..and it's SCARY. It's not as scary though, as people who refuse to look at themselves and keep hurting others in life.

So in the meantime, whoever is hacking me? Keep it up...KARMA WILL BRING YOU WHAT YOU DESERVE. You obviously didn't like the truth being flung your way...and whoever is complaining about me? Get a life, get a life...GET A LIFE! Wake up..this is the net where unwanted email is a part of the culture. If I made a complaint every time I got an unwanted email I would be without time to work on my homepages, which I'm having so much fun with or do anything constructive! I get on average 10-20 emails a day (sometimes more) 5 of which I don't really want!

SO IN THE WORDS OF DAVID WHO IS NO LONGER WITH US....TURN IT AROUND! Turn it around people and look in the eyes...there are alot of USERS around so make sure you know who you are getting involved with. I have learned my lessons well and thank goodness I didn't have to stay in the situations very long. :) TURN IT AROUND.

TAMARAH

MARCH 16/1999

ASSERTIVE DISCIPLINE is what I need to learn. After looking at the movie DANGEROUS MINDS a few nights ago, I am facing the reality of the situation I have gotten myself into. Most of the students I will be working with are from "high risk" social arenas. I got the feel for that today when the local policeman made his regular trek to our classroom to discuss drugs, fighting, and the jailing consequences of such behaviour. I had been so worried that I was being hard on my students and if I was too aggressive when I broke up a fight for example and lectured the two involved about their future life in jail if they started resolving things in this way NOW!When I saw the approach of the policeman, I had an inkling that he had alot more information about the lives of these children than I did and I felt assured that I was somewhere along the right track.

I am in a dilema! I am loved by my students, especially the ones who seem hard pressed for attention! They actually listen and will do work for me, however, I feel the stronger students are suffering since most of my attention is focused on those who really need help in just "hanging on." Maybe this is the hardship of every teacher in today's world. I am quickly learning more and more from the others around me who are seasoned in their discipline approach. I mean I'm NEW! When I taught before I taught at the community college level where the majority of my students were eager to learn and had been past puberty!

I keep asking everyone if they think I'm doing ok and I get, "well we haven't heard any complaints." Though that is a welcome response I still need to know HOW AM I DOING? I have to do my meditative stance and look within for this one I suppose. I think I'm doing fine then...I just need to learn to raise my voice without feeling guilty about it! I hate being mean and they know it...I hate being mean to kids...but I guess I will have to learn quickly that being mean is not the same thing as disciplining...a lesson I'm learning myself as I'm passing it on to my students. I am working hard and attempting to learn this asap. My students cannot wait and I don't want them to be my guinea pigs!

What I do know is that some people call children punks, hoodlums and other such unwelcome names, when I could never call a child something like that no matter what the circumstances. The way I see it, children are a product of our adult society. They learn by their parent's worlds and the worlds of those around them. They learn from their environments and they learn from home. Since many parents are ending up in courtrooms these days OR THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW, how can anyone use the children of our world as scapegoats? I struggle with this knowledge and the knowledge that in order to teach my curriculum based lessons there needs to be some method of discipline. Therein is my conflict. I struggle with my sense of responsibility and the hurt (suppressed rage!) of knowing that so many people are letting theirs go. Perhaps being an abandoned child has something to do with this dilema. My hurt runs deep and manifests in my decision of not having children of my own. Bringing a child into this world where so many children's needs already are BARELY being met, or not being met at all....does not make sense to me...not one bit. As I begin to tell my story in a novel on grief, I am putting the pieces of my world together and it fits with every child I ever meet!

Peace...

TaMarah May