May 11th/1998

Well it's good to want to write again. I haven't felt like writing for a couple of weeks. I never do when I'm down about something, so any spaces you see in my diary are the times when I'm hurting too much to even click my keys. If you read my last entry you will probably understand why I haven't been feeling great lately. My life will never be the same after all of this...but that is not all bad in some ways.

I made it back to Newfoundland to say good bye to my dad...my last words to him after I kissed him on the forehead were..."if you go somewhere while I'm gone dad..make sure you get John Denver's autograph for me". With that, I wrapped his comforter around me...(the one he had used since he'd been living at the nursing home) grabbed my stuffed rabbit and headed home to try and rest. Inside I knew that it was goodbye.

Reflection:

The last time I wrote I was just about to catch a bus so I could make it to the airport as soon as I could. I felt sort of numb as I made my way towards home. I didn't know how I was going to react, or even how I felt...all I knew was that I had an urgency to get to my dad...The years of hardship and trauma we'd both gone through had suddenly vanished, and I knew I had to see him. The next 7 days were to be the most spiritually profound moments I have ever experienced in my life. I don't think I will ever again doubt the existance of a higher being or the comfort of the fact that there is a better place for all of us after we are finished our mission on this side of the universe. I felt the presence of angels and I felt a miracle was happening as I was present.

The airport experience was one of the most painful parts of the whole mess if you can believe...I arrived at the airport at 3pm in hopes of catching a standby connection home that was leaving at 6pm or so. After three anxious hours of waiting around with what appeared to be suitcased clad clones, I made it wearily to the room where I might find out whether or not I could squeeze onto the plane. Reason for rush trip I was asked? "I want to catch my father's last breaths on this earth" I answered in a somber tone. With the emotion of a pre-recorded phone message the WOMAN OF POWER (i.e. ticket agent) said..."sorry we won't know if there will be a seat available for another 20 minutes." I nodded wearily and sulked back across the room and sat on my luggage. Within minutes along came a sweet looking young male who walked confidently up to the WOMAN OF POWER. The two proceeded to share some intimate giggles and and finally he headed over my way and proceeded to tell me his little "secret" which was that he would be having a seat on the plane! I asked abruptly.."why did she give you that information when I was told she wouldn't know for another 20 minutes?" He looked at me with an innocent but very surprised glare...the kind that perhaps came from years of batting his cute eyelashes and getting anything he ever wanted...without question. He obviously wasn't used to being "questioned." I made it to the WOMAN OF POWER's perch and hastily asked her why he was given the information. When she refused to answer me, the flood of emotion I'd been holding in for the past 3 hours came out in front of an audience of maniquin emotioned ticket agents. I burst out in my highest octave..."I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD TO BE A TEEN IDOL FOR WOMEN, TO GET A SEAT ON THE PLANE OR I WOULD HAVE CUT MY HAIR AND STUFFED MY DILDO DOWN MY PANTS FOR YA." I hurried out of the room feeling rage swell within me amidst the giggles and looks of shock that came from the cold waiting cell. I took refuge in the fairly private phone booth that was a short distance away. I fell on the chair..put my hand on the phone and realized I didn't know what to do next...the next flight out would cost double a normal fare, which was at this point an arm and half my body parts ...(airline's way of helping out in an emergency?) I burst into tears and like a newborn baby I howled and howled for what seemed like hours there alone at the Halifax Airport in a haze of confusion. I knew people were coming and going around me but I managed not to make puffy red eye contact with any of them. It was like my life was coming to a hault or something...I HAD to get back to see my dad before he died or I don't think I would have ever been content for the rest of my days.

My stomach groweled and I started to get back to reality. I realized it had been hours since I had eaten. I felt weak with emotion and hunger and after a couple of quick calls and with the help of my brother's credit card, I booked the costly flight back to the rock. I ate and began to regain my strength and hoped that the ex would make it in time to see me off, as he didn't know what time the flight was leaving. I spent an hour in Coles bookstore reviewing the latest non-fiction and metaphysical section and then the restlessness took over again. I began to make the rounds all around the airport. Pacing back and forth feverishly, needing to see my buddy, someone who knew me and someone who had history with me. Up through the security clearance, to the second level and down again...no sign. Knowing it wasn't like my ex to be late for anything I now had extra anxiety to deal with...where was he...??? Surely he was ok? I knew I had to board the plane in a few minutes so I headed to all the information sections I could find and left descriptions, names, phone numbers anything I could that would hopefully get the message to the ex that I was gone on to Newfoundland after all, and that I would call when I got there...I made my way back through the guards and spot checks again on and on and got in the line to board the plane and just as I was going through the door to board I heard my name came over the P.A. system...At this point I figured my life had become a short film in the making so I just went on played my role in the drama of it all...I looked at the ticket agent, A POWER "MAN" this time and he told me to hurry I had only 10 minutes. I took off down the escalator and out through the glass doors like a flash...R. and I saw each other from a distance...began to grin and ran towards each other like a scene from an old black and white romantic film...or one of those corny slow motion love scenes from the seventies. Too bad there was no romance between us or the whole scene would have made history. We stopped right in front of the crowded bar where excited glares seemed to be expecting a passionate embrace. I just made a funny face at our new gazers and walked on up the hallway with my bud. He began to tell me of his horrible day and apologized for being late...we quickly walked back to the security clearance and hugged and to my surprise tears began to trickle down from his eyes. I guess more than I, he knew what I would be facing back there having lost his own father not long ago. A lump formed in my throat and I knew I had to rush or I'd have another cry and I didn't want us to have to leave like that. I ran up the escalator making light gestures and comments to the police guy on duty and we were waving to each other til we were out of sight. I ran to the plane...being the last one to board. I could now go home with just a little more peace in my heart knowing he had come through for me once again...as if I should ever doubt his loyal friendship.

I practically fell on my seat. I knew my eyes were puffy, I had stinky breath and I was exhausted from all of the emotion. I lay back on my seat trying to let my mind settle down. I closed my eyes and when I woke them one of the most adorable looking creatures I've ever seen in my life towered over me looking confused. "Mind if I sit next to you?" I was greatful for the company, even though I was feeling like trash. The next hour and a half was a sweet time, in the company of this handsome and sensible man. It's amazing how easy one can talk to a complete stranger and feel as if there is a deep intimacy between you...and feel as if you've encountered a friend who knows the true you but has just been away for awhile. I sensed warmth and compassion coming from this soul and I could sense it was genuine. When I wanted him to distract me with information about himself, he did. When I wanted to talk, he listened. When my head was becoming so weak it couldn't stay up on its own, he lent me his warm shoulder and I snuggled in tight. I closed my eyes imagining what it might be like to have a man in my life who was like this. I can't remember when, if ever, I had ever been nurtured by a man so sweetly. I opened my eyes to his whispers and I whispered "I really wish this flight would never end." Looking back on it, the flight was like something out of a Daniel Steele movie. The flight did end though and reality hit back as cold as the north atlantic winds at the St.John's Airport. We got off the plane and he looked in my eyes reassuring me I was going to be ok..I knew I would be too...I trusted his eyes. I didn't even know his name or much about him but as I walked towards the airport door to leave with my brother, I looked back and he was staring at me. I was so happy he was there...we waved and I went to the nursing home to see dad.

unedited notes ... more to come.