Mga ipinadalang jokes ni Jimmy
na napahagalpak ako!
Ana B,
This one merits inclusion in "Jimmy's Jokes". Siguradong tatawa ka dito.
In a last ditch attempt to disqualify Erap from being
President, the
administration has accused Erap of having "such a low
IQ" that would not
allow him to perform the functions of a President.
Afer much debate between the LAMMP party and the administration,
it was
decided that Comelec would ask Erap (l0) basic questions
and all Erap needed
was just to get one question right.
It was also agreed that the questions could be asked in
Tagalog or Tag-lish,
so Erap would suffer no disadvantage from his lack of
English. After further
negotiations, Comelec also agreed that Ronnie Poe, Edong
Angara and Reli
German could give clues to Erap.
Below are the results of the question-and-answer session
between Erap, his
advisors and the Comelec.
l) Comelec: Anong hayop sa dagat ang may walong tentacles?
(Octopus)
Reli: Ang pangalan niya ay nagsisimula sa
letrang "O-C-T-O"
Erap: October?
Comelec: Hindi.
Edong: Erap, "walo" ang "tentacles" nito!
Erap: Octo-walo?
Comelec: Hindi pa rin.
Ronnie: Erap, ang hayop na ito ay malambot
ang katawan.
Erap: Ah, Octoart dancer!
Comelec: Hindi pa rin.
Reli: Last clue. Nagtatapos sa "S" ang pangalan.
Erap: Octoarts dancers!
Comelec: Sorry! Hindi pa rin! Next question...
2) Comelec: What is the national tree of the Philippines?
(Narra)
Reli: It starts with the letter "N"
Erap: Alam ko 'yan...niyog.
Comelec: Hindi.
Ronnie: Erap, mas malakas pa diyan!!!
Erap: (In his strongest-sounding voice)...NIYOG!
Comelec: Sorry! Next question...
3) Comelec: OK, History naman...Saan binaril si Jose Rizal?
Edong: Erap, it starts with letter
"B" (Bagumbayan)
Erap: OK, OK...sa kanyang "Back"
Comelec: Hindi.
Ronnie, Edong, Reli and the Comelec
enter in quiet discussion.
Reli: O, Erap, puwede rin daw ang
letter "L" (Luneta)
Erap: 'yon pala...sa Likod!
Erap's three advisors and the Comelec
confer again...afterwards...
Ronnie: O, Erap, last clue daw. Puwede
rin "R.P." (Rizal Park)
Erap: Tenks, Ronnie...kuha ko na!
Sa kanyang "Rear Part"!
Comelec: Sorry. Next question...
4) Comelec: Saan pumupunta ang tao pag-summer upang maligo?
Ronnie: Erap, starts with letter "B"!
Erap: Siyempre...Banyo!
Comelec: Sorry.
Edong: Remember..."pag-summer"
Reli: E'tong clue...maararawan ka
diyan!
Ronnie: Last clue, Erap...maraming
naka-bikini diyan!
Erap: Sana, sinabi mo pa 'yan kanina!....BEERHOUSE!
Comelec: Sorry, next question...
5) Comelec: What is the national bird of the Philippines?
(Maya)
Edong: Starts with the letter "M"
Erap: Manok???
Comelec: Sorry.
Reli: Erap, "brown" ang kulay nito!
Erap: Piniritong manok?
Comelec: Sorry!
Ronnie: Maliit na maliit ito, pero
itsurang ibon pa rin!!!
Erap: Maggie Chicken Cube?
Comelec: Sorry. Next question...
6) Comelec: What is the country's national flower? (Sampaguita)
Edong: Starts with the letter "S"
and grows in the sun!
Erap: Sunflower???
Comelec: Hindi.
Ronnie: Erap, binebenta ito sa kalye!
Erap: Stork?
Reli: Bulaklak, sabi eh...
Erap: Ah, sitsarong bulaklak!
Ronnie: Isa pang clue! Ends with the
letter "A"
Erap: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?
Comelec: Sorry!
Reli: Last clue! Kapangalan ito ang
isang sikat na singer!
Remember, Erap, starts with "S" and
ends with "A"!!!
Erap: Sharon Cuneta!
Comelec: Sorry. Next question...
7) Comelec: Ano ang tawag sa taong sumasagip sa nalulunod?
(Lifeguard)
Edong: Isipan mo, Erap - may "buhay"
sa Ingles ang sagot nito!
Erap: Ah...Lifebuoy!
Comelec: Sorry!
Reli: O, Erap...isipin mo...may "bantay"
sa Ingles!
Erap: Safeguard?
Comelec: Sorry.
Ronnie: Malapit na, Erap! Pagsamahin
mo na lang ang sagot mo!
Erap: Safeboy?
Comelec: Sorry...last clue.
Ronnie: Hindi siya "boy" at maskulado
ang katawan niya!
Erap: 'Yon pala! ....Mr. Clean!
8) Comelec: Sino ang kauna-unahang chess grandmaster
of Asia?
Edong: Ang kapangalan niya ang isang
tao sa chess (Eugene Torre)
Erap: Carole King?
Comelec: Sorry.
Reli: Mas mababa sa King.
Erap: Al Quinn?
Comelec: Sorry.
Ronnie: Tagalog ang apelyido niya.
Erap: Armida Siguion-Reyna?
Comelec: Try again.
Edong: Mas mababa sa reyna.
Erap: Bishop Bacani?
Comelec: Sorry.
Reli: Mas mababa pa sa bishop.
Erap: Johnny Midnight?
Comelec: Sorry. Last chance.
Ronnie: Erap, mas mababa pa sa knight!
Erap: Kuha ko na! Jerry Pons!
Comelec: Sorry! Last chance talaga!
Reli: Erap, isipin mo! Ano ang piyesang
hindi ba binanggit?
Erap: Thinking...thinking...ah, 'yun
pala...Sylvia La Torre!
9) Comelec: Oh, simple math na lang! Ano ang "2 + 2" ???
Erap: Three!
Comelec: Sorry.
Ronnie: Mataas pa diyan!
Erap: (In his highest-pitched voice)
Threeeeeeee!!!
l0) Comelec: OK, last question na ito! You still need
one correct!
Sino ang national hero sa 500-peso
bill? (Ninoy Aquino)
Edong: First initial is "N"
Reli: Second initial is "A"
Erap: OK, I got it! Nora Aunor!
Comelec: Sorry.
Edong: Ang last letter ng palayaw
niya ay "Y"
Erap: Ah...Guy Aunor!
Comelec: Sorry.
Ronnie: Erap, dating senador
ito!
Erap: Si former Senator Guy
Aunor?
Comelec: Sorry.
Reli: Erap, patay na siya!!!
Erap: Ano? Patay na si
Nora Aunor???
Subject: Erap
applied for Med School!!!
Little is known of the fact that Erap once applied to
Med School. Listed
below are the results of his entrance test dug up from
some ancient
archives. Needless to say he didn't make it...
ANTIBODY: against everyone
ARTERY: the study of fine paintings
BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria
BENIGN: what you be after you be eight
BOWEL: letters like A, E, I, O, or U
CAESAREAN SECTION: a district in Rome
CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing
CAT SCAN: searching for ones lost kitty
CAUTERIZE: made eye contact with her
COMA: a punctuation mark
CONGENITAL: friendly
CORTIZONE: the local courthouse
D & C: where Washington is
DILATE: to live longer
ENEMA: not a friend
ER: the things on your head that you hear with
FIBRILLATE: to tell lies
GENES: blue denim slacks
HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space
IMPOTENT: distinguished, well known
LABOR PAIN: hurt at work
MINOR OPERATION: somebody else's
ORGAN TRANSPLANT: what you do to your piano when you
move
PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories
PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go
PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
PROTEIN: in favor of young people
RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula
RHEUMATIC: amorous
SECRETION: hiding anything
TABLET: a small table
TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport
TIBIA: country in North Africa
TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak
TUMOR: an extra pair
URINE: opposite of "you're out"
VARICOSE: very close
VEIN: conceited
The joys of travelling through Asia.....
This email was nominated "best of 1997".... Watch
out! Believe it or
not,this actually happened.
A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service,
at a
hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the
Far East Economic
Review.....
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest :
"Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
RS : "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish
to oder sunteen??"
Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy,pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like
them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine"
RS : "Hokay. An Santos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "Santos. July Santos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about
this, but I don't know what 'judo one
toes'
means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don
Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping
we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've
got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes,
an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother
on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just
put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please,
and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino
fee, strangle ache, crease
baychem,tossy
singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and
copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "Your welcome"
NEWS ITEM
I am informed that the European Commission has
just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official
language of the EU rather
than German, which was the other possibility. As
part of the negotiations,
Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling
had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in
plan that would be known as
"EuroEnglish."
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c"
will be dropped in favor of
the "k".This should klear up konfusion and keyboards
kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f".
This will make words like
"fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling
kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments
will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre
that the horrible mes of the
silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they
should go away.
By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from
vords kontaining
"ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of
leters. After zis fifz yer, ve wil hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. Zer vil
be no mor
trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand
ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!! And zen ve vil take over ze vorld!!
HEIL HITLER!
Kung meron dito na hindi kayo natawa, sabihin lang at aalisin ko.